In Hiding

[hack]

In the village of hiding
not one
knows my name

In its darkest corners
there is no light
of blame

Underneath
its light posts
an oily shadow seeps

Here there is no wonder
at secrets
darkness keeps

Streets
with unlit windows
shuttered to the rain

When the sun
breaks through the clouds
it's just to show me pain

[Dark Muse]

Oooh I love this, captures some great imagery and I love the atmosphere it creates.

[NisreenS]

Streets
with unlit windows
shuttered to the rain

When the sun
breaks through the clouds
it's just to show me pain
__________________

beautifull ! I like the way these two stanzas are written and the effect produced by the imagery.

[dizzydoll]

Excellent, the visionary is exquisite, and its got the beat. :smile5:

[Hawkman]

Reminds me of driving through Edinburgh, in the rain, at 2am!

Great poem hack. H

[PrinceMyshkin]

Shouldn't you capitalize "hiding" as you did in the title? Apart from which this is such an economical, vivid poem.

[Bar22do]

O Gwynplaine, o man who laughs, o misery of humanity grotesquely deformed... but -
"When the Sun
breaks through the clouds"
it's not only to show you pain, it's to remind you you can also partake of light! Clearly, your poem brought Victor Hugo to my mind as I read it, and - I don't fully know why - with him a vast array of associations: Henry Miller's "The Smile at the Foot of a Ladder" (my preferred work by him), Rouault's clowns, Bruno Schultz's father lost in windy streets of his shtetl... in short, your poem spoke to me from its dark village! (my only suggestion would be to give up rain-pain rhyme...) Thanks for sharing your "pieces", your creative skills... Bar

[hack]

Thank you all for your reads and suggestions. I am glad you liked it DM. It is dark, like you,
or rather, as you can be. The it was written without the last two stanzas, but at the last
minute I added those. Prince it is really not about a village named Hiding, it is about being
a refugee, hunted and in peril, about being in danger of being found out, and the pain that that might entail.
There is a village in Thailand that is called Baan Lap Lay by the people who live there, that loosely translated is "Hiding Village". This not about a place at all though, it could as easily be Babcock Hole, Colorado. I could not resist the title. Bar, I am undecided if it needs the last two stanzas, and if it can do without them, not only the offending rhyme. NisreenS, NS if I may, you seem to vote for them. Dzy, what do you think?

[tailor STATELY]

Nice piece hack.

Small suggestion:

"Underneath
its light posts
an oily shadow seeps"....... begs: what does the shadow do ?

Perhaps:

Seeking those
with secrets that
only darkness keeps............... or something

As usual I enjoy your creativity.

[lallison]

In the village of hiding
not one knows my name
In its darkest corners
there is no light of blame

Underneath its light posts
an oily shadow seeps
Here there is no wonder
at secrets darkness keeps

Streets with unlit windows
shuttered to the rain
When the sun breaks through the clouds
it's just to show me pain

Needless to say, I think it reads smoother written in four line rhyming stanzas. The images of the village is nice and dreary, as intended. I think that this, along with the rhyme and rhythm are the poems strengths. I think the last stanza fits in well, although I don't like the word pain, I'd rather feel it than hear it, but that's a bit masochistic isn't it.

The wondering through a ghost town type theme works, but I'm not sure why you are feeling so bad, only that you feel it. Maybe if the town was populated, but you still had the feeling it could strengthen your work. Maybe, just a thought.