Drew's Goodbye

[Revolte]

Dear mommy, I couldn't go on
This world is evil, it's stale, it's wrong.
The people are horrid, they rape and they kill,
they take care of the rich, and laugh at the ill.

Mommy I'm sorry, please don't cry
it's not your fault, I wanted to die.
I'm a teenage girl, I have much to fear,
I couldn't take it, the things I'd hear.

“Hey whore, take off your top,
don't bother to scream, I am a cop.
Who will believe you if you dare try,
I'll tell them you're drinking, you're shooting, you're high”

Why mommy why, what did I do?
He touched me all over, he made me feel used.
I tried to tell people, I did, I swear,
but no one would listen, nobody cared.

They said it's a lie, that I'm making a tale,
But it wasn't a fib, I know it was real.
People should listen, to the buzzing of bees,
so they don't end up dead, dead, like me.

I promise you mommy, I promise I'm fine,
I'd be so much worse off if I were alive.
How could I take it, the pain, that rape?
My only regret, is I can't see your face.

In the end mommy, be happy for me,
I'm singing with angels, I'm dancing in dreams.
I bet that in heaven, there isn't such pain.
Love your dear daughter, Drew Lucy Jane.

[hillwalker]

Written in the nursery-rhyme voice of a child this is a very powerful poem.
The theme is of course one that haunts every parent.

I just think that the simplistic moralising (lines 2 and 3 of verse 1) distracts from what this poem is really about - one specific crime against an innocent child.

A disturbing poem but worthwhile. Good effort.

H

[Revolte]

Written in the nursery-rhyme voice of a child this is a very powerful poem.
The theme is of course one that haunts every parent.

I just think that the simplistic moralising (lines 2 and 3 of verse 1) distracts from what this poem is really about - one specific crime against an innocent child.

A disturbing poem but worthwhile. Good effort.

H

thank you :). Yeah thats very true, it just sort of happend that way at first she was going to have killed herself from observing so much evil in the world, but as I kept going I figured it would be felt more if I made her a direct victem to something as disgusting as rape.

[Il Dante]

Yikes!

Stanza three, line four has several instances of "your" which should, in this context, be "you're." But that's just grammatical technicality.

Poetically speaking, this poem is very up front and clear.

Philosophically, I disagree with the girl's premise, that it is sweeter to die than be alive due to all the evil in the world. One of the poems I'm trying to work on (partiriunt montes!) addresses this. Maybe someday it will be done.

The bottom line is: death is the gateway to eternity. Once you're dead, you're dead, and you can never undo it. The girl in this poem might want to consider all the beautiful experiences, all the experiences of love and joy, which she would miss having taken her life so young—experiences which will never, ever be hers.

Nevertheless, thanks for posting!

[blank|verse]

That's a great, dramatic, powerful poem, Revolte - one of your best. (And reminded me a bit of Eminem's 'Stan'.)

It's got a ragged quality to it that suits the subject well, and it rattles along because of your use of poetry's equivalent of triplets in music - the ternary feet that can go DA-duh-duh DA-duh-duh (or the reverse).

Even though it's good that it's ragged, I thought some of it would benefit from being tidied up a bit, just so it can be read more quickly, and when you break the poem, it's done so for a reason.

But still, good work.

[dizzydoll]

Wow, you hit it with this one Revolte. I know you say its about rape but while I was reading about it I imagined one of these poor girls who land up addicted to meths under the control of some pimp who sells her and rapes her too. Very sad state of affairs these days, am I lucky I dont have any daughters.. or sons to worry about these days. I couldnt bear the thought of them going out to date rape drugs etc. Our age group was much gentler back then, we were all safe then, today.. Not. Really sad. :frown2:

[Revolte]

Yikes!

Stanza three, line four has several instances of "your" which should, in this context, be "you're." But that's just grammatical technicality.



ah oops, thanks for pointing that out, sleeping pills and caffeen at three in the morning can make that happen lol.

[Revolte]

That's a great, dramatic, powerful poem, Revolte - one of your best. (And reminded me a bit of Eminem's 'Stan'.)

It's got a ragged quality to it that suits the subject well, and it rattles along because of your use of poetry's equivalent of triplets in music - the ternary feet that can go DA-duh-duh DA-duh-duh (or the reverse).

Even though it's good that it's ragged, I thought some of it would benefit from being tidied up a bit, just so it can be read more quickly, and when you break the poem, it's done so for a reason.

But still, good work.

I thought about that throughout writing it, but I wanted it to be some what realistic to what a young person would write in their suicide note. The girl in the poem is only about 13-14.

[Bar22do]

Causes anxiety, uneasiness, in between the nursery rhymes. One can of course question the motives of the girl, but evidently the girl's young age gives her different proportions and intensities in response to what for her is the world's evil... The distress is rendered fully... Be well, and thank you Revolte - Bar

[Revolte]

Causes anxiety, uneasiness, in between the nursery rhymes. One can of course question the motives of the girl, but evidently the girl's young age gives her different proportions and intensities in response to what for her is the world's evil... The distress is rendered fully... Be well, and thank you Revolte - Bar

Hey Bar :). I'm glad it caused anxiety and uneasiness that was sort of my goal. I wanted the reader to feel crappy after reading it, a bit sadistic but still lol.

[MorpheusSandman]

I love the idea and I think it has some powerful moments, but I also think there's something that doesn't quite ring quite right about the language and rhythm as representing the thoughts of a 13-year old that was raped. Most of it reads like the writing of someone much older, while other observations read like someone who's much older. I never really feel it's from the POV of an actual 13-year old. Formally I think it's fine though, but I do think it would be better if the moralizing was cut.