Mankind's Deceit

[Revolte]

Orange clouds of nuclear dust
descend upon the city streets,
flaming trees burned down to dirt
stricken by mankind's deceit.

Silhouettes of human pose
shaking hands and giving kiss
surround the planets every curve,
photographed in final bliss.

Once blue oceans painted red
from blood of child, from mom and dad,
the founding piece of modern day
falls deep within the earthen cracks.

Mountains fall to crumbled sand
and purged the sky of curves.
not a single note, not a single song
is sung by tropic's birds.

The settled dust has covered up
most bits of human bone,
blown off by wind a single child
in shock and awe is shown.

His mother's arm is reaching out
a final try to grasp
her new born son before the dawn
of doomsday come at last.

[dizzydoll]

Excellent job, altho not of a ideal circumstances. :wave:

[tailor STATELY]

Trinity - A Misnomer

O Aurora, did you beckon me ?
It seems like only yesterday
I practiced ducking under my
desk in school. As if. As if.
Crown Hill it was, how apropos.
One need not sleep to have
nightmares. I know. I know.
O Forest Hill, do you beckon me ?
No. For I came into covenant
on another hill nigh the Golden Gate
seeking to see His sapphire eyes,
ever bright. Seeing me. Seeing me.

tailor STATELY
4/30/2010

Thank you for the memories.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Revolte: this was ragnarok on steroids!

TaylorStately: a fitting, moving follow-up to Revolte's poem.

[Hawkman]

Orange clouds of nuclear dust
descend upon the city streets,
flaming trees burned down to dirt
stricken by mankind's deceit.

Silhouettes of human pose
shaking hands and giving kiss
surround the planets every curve,
photographed in their* final bliss.

Once blue oceans painted red
from blood of child,** mom and dad,
the founding piece of modern day
falls deep within the earthen cracks.

Mountains fall to crumbled sand
and purged the sky of curves.
not a single note, not a single song
is sang*** by tropic's birds.

The settled dust has covered up
most bits of human bones,****
blown off by wind a single child
in shock and awe is shown.

His mother's arm is reaching out
in a final try to grasp
her new born son before the dawn
of doomsday came to man.*****

Hi Revolt,

A powerful piece but why the apocolyptic refrain? I personally do not feel the world to be in imminent danger of nuclear holocaust, not immediately anyway. Are you thinking of Hiroshima and Nagasaki?

Just a couple of points. Firstly this reads better than when I first read it so you've made some good edits. Watch the metre though;

* You could drop, 'their' without diminishing meaning and maintain metre.

** I think you need another 'from' here to maintain the metre and it will reinforce the statement too.

*** should be sung

**** I would lose the 's' on bones

***** The last verse non rhyme jars for me as all the others follow a rhyming scheme. If you ended with, 'of doomsday come at last.' the half rhyme would be less jarring. I'd also drop 'in' on line 2 to maintain metre. As always these are suggestions only and also only my opinion. It's a good poem though.

All the best, H

[Buh4Bee]

The opening stanza reminded me of my son's two year old throwing rocks into puddles while making exploding sounds.

[Revolte]

Hi Revolt,

A powerful piece but why the apocolyptic refrain? I personally do not feel the world to be in imminent danger of nuclear holocaust, not immediately anyway. Are you thinking of Hiroshima and Nagasaki?

Just a couple of points. Firstly this reads better than when I first read it so you've made some good edits. Watch the metre though;

* You could drop, 'their' without diminishing meaning and maintain metre.

** I think you need another 'from' here to maintain the metre and it will reinforce the statement too.

*** should be sung

**** I would lose the 's' on bones

***** The last verse non rhyme jars for me as all the others follow a rhyming scheme. If you ended with, 'of doomsday come at last.' the half rhyme would be less jarring. I'd also drop 'in' on line 2 to maintain metre. As always these are suggestions only and also only my opinion. It's a good poem though.

All the best, H

thanks for the edit advice Hawk, I like it alot better now. I was a little worried about using sung instead of sang, but it worked out better.

and thank you everyone! any thoughts on the edit?

[MorpheusSandman]

Hawk nailed most of the formal criticisms, so I'll just say that I have an affinity for apocalyptic pieces! I've wrote a great many myself and this one is certainly quite vivid.

[Bar22do]

Just to tell you, Revolte, that I read this end of times poem and felt its power. I came to it late, when all the great have already spoken! So I can only agree, add my voice to Hawk, Stately etc... and thank you for sharing! Best regards, Revolte - Bar