Exchange Rates

[hillwalker]

EXCHANGE RATES

Transaction I - Work

This easy addiction; my workplace, my empire,
my mistress, my opium, my 24/7.
Each spreadsheet a sacrament, blessings in balance sheets,
columns and tables, supply and demand.

My own mission statement, my mantra, my ethos,
that maybe I count if do a bit more
‘til I’m chained to the b1tch; an adrenalin junkie,
who craves his next fix, always waiting to score.

The humdrum of schedules, of deadlines and timetables,
last minute phone calls that keep me from home;
a welcome diversion, I’m needed, I matter,
I can prove my expediency day after day.

Transaction II - Home

I take you for granted, why shouldn’t I do that?
We both made a trade and we both knew the deal.
You hint at the question - so does he still love me?
I hint at the answer - I must do I sleep with her.

Yet deep in the night I can sense the world slipping,
I have no response to your b1tching and brewing
as I struggle to outpace that work-ethic treadmill,
that poisonous brainwash that drags me down screaming,
go faster, go faster…..

My heart tells me slow down and put right the damage,
step back from that line that I cross every morning,
but you push me away when I’m trying to save you
…...you’re stuck in this quicksand the same as the rest of us.

Transaction III - Work

I’d trade all her fragrances, boardroom and boudoir,
I’d trade all her eau de cologne and charisma,
illicit liaisons, that corporate hooker,
I’d trade every one for a whiff of your washing day.

Yet the thrill when we meet and the way she talks dirty
I crave her attention, I beg for her touch
because now in my heart I admit I’m expendable;
I need validation….. that I’m still her man.

Transaction IV - Home

You condemn and you threaten, you call her a harlot,
but aren’t we all prostitute? aren’t we all property?
Mortgaged and married - they call that a done deal;
Working for kudos like sex for security.

Neither transaction gives value for money,
just trading this millstone for that one that’s heavier,
and we all end up screwed…..
devalued, deluded…..
debased and diminished…..
one born every minute.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I have a quibble with the rhyming in stanza 2, which set me up to expect a repetition or variation of that pattern (which is magnificently redeemed in the half-rhyme in the final two lines).

Still, it might do with a bit of editing. It seemed to me to go somewhat flat maybe half-way through, as if enacting the tedium rather than reporting it from however slight a distance.

[hillwalker]

Thank you Prince - I am aware of the 2nd stanza's rhyme and almost changed the wording in order to avoid that exact expectation in the reader.

I also note your comment about the pacing of the piece. There was an attempt to change the mood to one of reflection towards the end of 'Transaction II' before expanding on the issue of 'work versus home' in the final half.

I value your responses as always - this is the second draft of what started out as a much longer piece. A rant, I suppose. A little judicious editing might yet cut it down to something a little harder-hitting and compact.

Thanks again.

H

[Hawkman]

Hi Hill,

I'm with PM on this one. I feel the poem would work better if the metre and rhyme scheme were a little more consistant throughout. It's a good concept though and I look forward to seeing what you do with it in the edit. H

[Buh4Bee]

It's a good commentary on modern life.

[MorpheusSandman]

Except for the varied rhymes that's already been commented on, I actually think this is a superb idea for a piece that's wonderfully executed. I like the format you have of dividing two life elements - home and work - into four sections and two "exchanges" that take us through the complex entanglement of each with the individual. There's some fascinating ideas in there; but I agree it could use with a bit of trimming.

[dizzydoll]

EXCHANGE RATES

Transaction I - Work

This easy addiction; my workplace, my empire,
my mistress, my opium, 24/7.


You should say my 24/7

Its very sad that most people are consumed by work and forget to smell the roses. This poem reflects life as a burdensome duty both at work and home all the while tied up with a red bow of denial. This poem indicates life as more of a race and quite unsettled for it. No fun in this life, but all up to choice.

Good job Walker. :biggrin5:

[hillwalker]

@Hawkman and Morpheus - thanks you both, the edited redraft trims away some of the dead wood - but the message remains intact I hope.

@jersea - modern life the way it is for so many people unfortunately

@dizzy - yes, good spot. I thought the beat might become disrupted by including an extra 'my' but it works, and increases the repetitive element that was at pains to maintain.

Thanks you all for your helpful responses.

H

[blank|verse]

A vivid portrait of people one meets with annoying regularity in today's modern society - the work martyr. Interesting form, if a little heavy-handed (I could do without the 'Transactions' in the stanza headings).

Again (!) I found it too long - the first two stanzas fall into the trap of becoming lists of things, but I can see how that reflects the subject.

I'm undecided about your loose use of ternary feet (dactyls or anapaests) but on the whole I think it works effectively not being too tidy and it does give pace to what is overall a successful poem.

[hillwalker]

Thanks BV

As I have already mentioned earlier in this thread - this was meant to be a rant hence the list of gripes, the monotonous metre, the repetitive elements.....

The transactions were my clumsy attempts to differentiate between the 'currency' of work (many people work to validate their existence more than to earn a salary - hence the amount of unpaid overtime so many workaholics put in each week) and the 'currency' of home (many relationships are based on financial and emotional security rather than on love and any urge to reproduce).

And now I shall step down off my soap-box and retreat into the shadows.

As always your response is of value.

H

[blank|verse]

The transactions were my clumsy attempts to differentiate between the 'currency' of work (many people work to validate their existence more than to earn a salary - hence the amount of unpaid overtime so many workaholics put in each week) and the 'currency' of home (many relationships are based on financial and emotional security rather than on love and any urge to reproduce).


Just to clarify - I didn't have an issue with the stanzaic form, just the word 'Transaction' in the heading I felt wasn't necessary, as so much is suggested by the rest of the poem, particularly in the Marxist conclusion!

[hillwalker]

@BV :

As an ex-victim of the 'work versus relationships' battleground I have probably left it far too late to subscribe to Karl's doctrines..... and I'm not sure what his stance on the proletariat subsisting on private pensions would have been!

But thank you for clarifying your original response.

H

[lallison]

Another commendably creative and experimental poem, Hillwalker. I would expect nothing less from you. The real strength here is your depiction of the dichotomy between love and work and the irony of how many of us seem to be getting it backwards. This is a descriptive poem with a great deal of importance in its meaning.

My feeling is that the rhyme takes away from the emotion you're trying to get across here. It gives it a bit of a sing song element that ought not be part of it.

Otherwise, its quite good!

It brought to mind this one, which I like very much:

Dolor

I have known the inexorable sadness of pencils,
Neat in their boxes, dolor of pad and paper weight,
All the misery of manilla folders and mucilage,
Desolation in immaculate public places,
Lonely reception room, lavatory, switchboard,
The unalterable pathos of basin and pitcher,
Ritual of multigraph, paper-clip, comma,
Endless duplicaton of lives and objects.
And I have seen dust from the walls of institutions,
Finer than flour, alive, more dangerous than silica,
Sift, almost invisible, through long afternoons of tedium,
Dropping a fine film on nails and delicate eyebrows,
Glazing the pale hair, the duplicate grey standard faces.

Theodore Rothke

[Alexander III]

I found this poem to contain much in its subject matter which reflects the grimy truth of everyday life. The structure of the poem worked well in my opinion, and I do not believe it needs trimming, as every word adds to the solid themes of the piece.

I found the two stanzas to be extremely well done. However in the second stanza I agree that it would be best to remove the rhyme, as it creates a unexpected turn in the tempo of the poem which is never truly recovered after that.

[hillwalker]

Thank you for your responses lallison and Alex - that little bit of rhyme has a lot to answer for. I shall have to give it some thought, but I'm pleased the message has been conveyed.

And that Rothke poem - chilling - putting me in mind of Orwell's '1984' in a way.....
Thank you both.

H

[dizzydoll]

Yea, now that its edited and complete... tis perfect my son. :smile5:

[hillwalker]

Thank you, dizzy.

Sometimes when you complete a poem you know that it's still not quite right - it just takes someone else with a little intelligence to read it for you and pass comment on it.

Glad you approve of the changes (and thanks for your input).

H

[dizzydoll]

http://serve.mysmiley.net/party/party0024.gif (http://www.mysmiley.net/free-laughing-smileys.php)

testing testing,
happy to see
I got it right. lol

http://serve.mysmiley.net/jumping/jumping0044.gif (http://www.mysmiley.net/free-animal-smileys.php)