Summer Ceiling Fans

[Oliver Pockets]

Joy, has settled on the heart of the astronaut. A friend that will forever be present, space has become. The astronaut superimposes his hand around the distant earth, and the fog of his words upon his mask breath thankfulness for life. It has been a journey in a rocket ship, fast and frightening, everything calculated and recalculated by someone other than I... The scientist is in control.

Fin.


It works when I read it to myself... but I know what I want it to read like so I'm not sure... input is much appreciated.

also: I wrote this with a specific emotion running through me... it was one of those "I'm glad to be alive moments"... but I'm weird and I know that everyone has different mental triggers that set off strange and contrasting things. So my question is: what does the above paragraph create in your mind? what does it set off or trigger? does it do anything at all? or is it just silly gibberish that looks completely random?

[chimney_swift]

I get this :)

Flying through space with the world so far behind me I am happy to simply be.

[hillwalker]

It creates an image of self-doubt, tempered by the comfortable glow of being suddenly safe again.

A spaceman helpless at the mercy of 'the scientist' - but glad to be alive and comforted once more by the proximity of his home planet - possibly returning from a long or hazardous journey???

One quibble - the scond sentence is written back-to-front, and although a little poetic doesn't really work.

'Space has become a friend that will forever be present' reads better IMHO - but it's your story so you must choose how to tell it.

Good stuff as always. Write on.....