sleep

[Demeter'sDauter]

sleep

sleep brings your lips
soft on my eyelids first
hands caressing slow
steady strokes
lips on my mouth firmer
arms pulling me closer
breath warm and ragged
lips moving on now
travelling i follow you
down further searching seeking
swimming up out of sleep
alone.

©maureen refior

[hillwalker]

Wow - another very sensuous piece.
Again, brilliantly cryptic, with a clever 'heads up' at the end.

H

[Demeter'sDauter]

Again, thank you! I really do appreciate input, and I also appreciate (constructive) criticism if anyone has any.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I can't think of any criticism, constructive or otherwise: I kind of held my breath throughout this, transfixed on the calm eroticism of it - until the unexpected twist at the end. Beautiful control throughout this.

[Bar22do]

sleep

sleep brings your lips
soft on my eyelids first
hands caressing slow
steady strokes
lips on my mouth firmer
arms pulling me closer
breath warm and ragged
lips moving on now
travelling i follow you
down further searching seeking
swimming up out of sleep
alone.

©maureen refior

So, that was a dream? what a disappointment... but your poem isn't! for it's well built and paced. A pleasure to read! I tripped a bit on "searching seeking swimming" though I think I know what you had in mind. Consider if it's worthwhie giving this line more concision. Otherwise, I find this delightful!
And thank you - Bar

[Greymure]

It is deceiving I don't think its a dream though, but can't wait till you write more

[Demeter'sDauter]

So, that was a dream? what a disappointment... but your poem isn't! for it's well built and paced. A pleasure to read! I tripped a bit on "searching seeking swimming" though I think I know what you had in mind. Consider if it's worthwhie giving this line more concision. Otherwise, I find this delightful!
And thank you - Bar

Hmm...I'm not sure I know what you mean by "concision," I pare my poetry down to the absolute bone. Can you give me an example?


It is deceiving I don't think its a dream though, but can't wait till you write more
I'm working on it. :yesnod:

[hillwalker]

DD - I agree that your poem is already concise enough - an absolute gem of brevity.

The words : 'searching seeking / swimming up out of sleep' are split by a line break that maintains the sense of the piece.

And finally - do dreams really have to end in disappointment??? I don't believe so.....

H

[Bar22do]

sleep

sleep brings your lips
soft on my eyelids first
hands caressing slow
steady strokes
lips on my mouth firmer
arms pulling me closer
breath warm and ragged
lips moving on now
travelling i follow you
down further searching seeking
swimming up out of sleep
alone.

DD! I only had a little trouble with "searching seeking swimming" which, in my opinion, could be shorten to, perhaps

"(travelling) I follow you
further down searching (seeking)
swimming up out of sleep
alone

() = deleting

but I may be wrong of course, and Hillwalker may be right.
In any case, it is a gem indeed and I'm looking forward to reading you more!

[Demeter'sDauter]

Pishah!!!! I think it is fine the way it is:argue:

[tailor STATELY]

Enjoyed your poem.

I was actually disappointed that when you swam out of sleep (a wonderful coin of phrase) that you were alone; as in you were alone when you began your REM and were no longer at waking.......... ah well.

An homage to your avatar's imaginary mother in whose steps you (Dauter?) apparently follow:


Love Demeter

Gentle spirit
Her face
soft and furrowed
from laughter
Tender passion
burning
love
desire

tailor STATELY
3-19-2004

A not too thinly veiled play on words with 'Love Demeter': -Love to meet her-

[MorpheusSandman]

I've often said we need more erotic poetry here, and you pull it off with a real tenderness and understated sensuality. Lovely.

[dizzydoll]

I cant say any more than the others except, excellent. :nod: