My struggle

[piojo11]

my second attempt at poetry
thank you for your comments

I was born not here nor there
As I did not know where I was going
The moon and the sun and the clouds
Brought me to where I call home

I was born of a dream as a dreamer
With the sweat and tears of my parents
I was brought here for a better life
I encountered a bitter world

I struggled like those who look like me
I persevered like those who are like me
I struggled no more for the end is near
The future is bright and the hope is alive

I walk with the weight of millions on my shoulder
With the eyes upon me of hatred and support
I walk with my head up high and my goal in sight
I walk for my future and the future of many.

I was born not here nor there
And here became my life.

[tailor STATELY]

An interesting mein kampf to study, yet, for some reason I'm compelled to quote 'Timbuk3' - "The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades". Go Figger.

[hillwalker]

I found this poem quite touching - sad yet with a message of optimism as well.

I particularly liked the contrasting 'a better life' and 'a bitter world'
and the line 'I walk for my future and the future of many'.

A very noble effort.

BTW - the second line of verse 1 is missing a word I think, but I understand what you mean.

H

[MorpheusSandman]

It has some great stuff but could use some working on from a technical perspective. It's odd when you shift from such syntactical manipulations like "born not" instead of "not born" to the almost prose-like passages of "I was brought here for a better life". If you're going to take poetic license and play around with grammar and syntax, it's best to keep it consistent unless you have a good reason for changing it up. Also, the end line repetition of "who look like me" and "who are like me" doesn't work because the lines are of different lengths and beats. It would be better as:

"I fought against those who look like me
I struggled with those who are like me"

When you use rhetorical repetition for effect, it's important to make sure that the rhythm and stresses are the same for what you're repeating; otherwise it will just register awkwardly in the reader's mind.

[piojo11]

Thank you very much for the opinions and critiques,
MorpheusSandman
the fought word would not fit within the context of the poem since it it meant to signify a solidarity with a group
once again thank you

[MorpheusSandman]

Well, fought was just an example; you could surely substitute it for something more relevant. But if "against" is the next word then you need a monosyllable verb to make the rhythm work.