Gelato

[Lumiere]

The coldness of it stays
in the tender valley
between neck and collarbone, and
in this way reminds me of you,
your little holographic image inside me,
suspended over those waters,
flickering as I inhale, and
growing

With my spoon I carve perfect
paths and make move happy landslides

Oh, that Time was so willing as peach gelato

[hillwalker]

An intriguing piece - gelato as metaphor for a something lost?

The first stanza (and the main piece of the poem) is well-written - but with the two lines that follow it seems to lose its impact slightly.

I'm not sure about the sense of the line 'and make move happy landslides'
- is it meant to mean 'and make happy landslides move' or 'and make then move happy landslides'? (also the words 'happy' and 'landslides' are not best-matched).

With a little tinkering I'm sure this can become a very worthwhile piece of work.

H

[Lumiere]

An intriguing piece - gelato as metaphor for a something lost?

The first stanza (and the main piece of the poem) is well-written - but with the two lines that follow it seems to lose its impact slightly.

I'm not sure about the sense of the line 'and make move happy landslides'
- is it meant to mean 'and make happy landslides move' or 'and make then move happy landslides'? (also the words 'happy' and 'landslides' are not best-matched).

With a little tinkering I'm sure this can become a very worthwhile piece of work.

H

Hello again, Hill. Thanks for stopping by.

Your insights are consistently specific, which I appreciate. But poetry is so subjective, remember.

I have no interest in explaining the thoughts and feelings behind this word or that phrase. What the poem means to me is different than what it means to you, and that's alright - I embrace all interpretations. If you think this poem is about elephants, fantastic! So long as it makes you feel something, hooks you.
In other words, if it reaches you - it's a success, if not - it's dead

[zanna]

I enjoyed this! It seemed to me the person was remembering a lost love, who they shared summer and gelato with at one time.

Thanks for sharing!

And it is odd, but I really liked happy landslides! I liked the image it gave me. :)

[PrinceMyshkin]

I had the same trouble Hillwalker did with the syntax of


and make move happy landslides

but also with:


Oh, that Time was so willing as peach gelato

which might better convey what I believe you intended it to if you replaced "so" with "as."

[Bar22do]

It hooked me as an original piece of poetry! It's true that I would give it another tiny critical glance were I you, just to have it perfect, but as it is it leads one to the sweetness of love, to gli ottimi gelati in Rome Piazza Navona's "I Tre Scallini", to happiness and its landslides (that do not cause me trouble). Thanks for sharing! Bar