The Waves

[Alexander III]

The Waves

[Buh4Bee]

The best I can do is say that this is so profoundly moving as well as quite sad.
I'm embarrassed to say that it reminds me of the song Puff the Magic Dragon. I sing it frequently and cry every time-like a mental case. :nod:

[Alexander III]

hehe I guess im gonna have to you-tube that song now :)

[Buh4Bee]

Yah, I'm the dragon and Jackie Paper does come to play along the cherry lane. Very sad stuff.

[Il Dante]

Many of the lines here are very powerful and well-written. I thought that the first two stanzas and the last stanza were particularly effective.

However, in stanza 1 I'm not sure "laden" is the right word, because it connotes a being weighed down by a heavy burden—a fairly negative connotation, whereas this is a very positive verse. My humble suggestion would be to simply write "A starry summer sky." I love the line, but think it laden by the word "laden."

Also, "love lined"... Usually, when one speaks of someone's face being "lined" that indicates being worn out, overtired, or overworked, or maybe stressed out, whereas I don't think you intended to connote that here.

[MorpheusSandman]

Quite beautiful, and I love that element of melancholic lament. I love how you shift from the day of the first stanza to the night of the second. Plus the great "You keep walking || I keep talking" dichotomy in stanza 5. The only thing I don't like is the plain weird "I gleam love from my whole"... Errr, excuse me?

[tailor STATELY]

Perchance you meant 'glean' (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/glean) instead of 'gleam' (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/gleam) ?

[blank|verse]

I like the intent and craft behind this, AIII, but feel it could do with a bit of tinkering.

It's written in enveloped tercets, which have a suggestion of terza rima to them, but without the intricate rhyme scheme. The second stanza doesn't adhere to this pattern though, but I feel you can get away with changing the line sequence and maintaining the meaning, like this:

You eyes shine bright
As you sail far far away
Like the soul of the Night
I think one thing you need to realise more is when you're writing is strong and when you lapse into cliches. For example, this:

Till your love lined face
Drifts to an unreachable place
is stronger than:

You eyes shine bright
Like the soul of the Night
As you sail far far away
(the last phrase also reminded me of 'Star Wars'!). Also, this:

each wave sings of you…
is better, more original and evocative, than this cliche:

the ocean blue
And watch the repetition at the end:

Now I ponder the ocean blue
Musing, as each wave sings of you…
you've told us you're 'ponder' the ocean, so there's no need to include 'musing' in the next line. This is also a good example of when you can just [I]show the reader you're staring out across the sea, where the 'waves sing' - and the reader will infer that you are 'pondering' or 'musing' the situation of what has gone before - without having to tell them that's what you're doing.

I was ok with:

I gleam love from my whole
taking 'gleam' to mean 'shine', but perhaps this could be better expressed.

But it's a good attempt and I think the form and rhyme scheme work well for the subject.

(Oh, and as for 'Puff the Magic Dragon', the urban myth is that it's all about smoking heroin...)