Loan Sharks

[PickEm'Up]

Removed.

[hillwalker]

A worthy effort if this is really your first attempt -

BUT since you ask here are a few points to consider :

1]
It reads like an up-to-date Micky Spillane, a couple of spiky wisecracks to lighten the mood. Which is good if the cracks are wise, but not if you haven't thought them through properly.
'could still be in a wheelchair and ace this' is obviously factually incorrect - it takes place on a beach (?) - perhaps change to comething like 'could be stoned and still ace this'.
'Seth Empire, you can find me just about anywhere.' - I can think of lots of places where he could not be found - you need to add something like '.....on these forgotten streets.' for it to make sense.
'You City Rat' sounds like a weak echo of Edward G Robinson snarling 'You dirty rat' - bit of a cliche. Think of something snappier and more up-to-date maybe?
The smart question 'Will you be leaving still able to walk?' is only a smart question if there is a reason at the end why we would not be able to walk. It would make more sense to ask 'Will you be leaving with that same grin on your face?' for example, if you understand the point I am trying to make.

2]
You are very skilled at painting a scene and creating a tense atmosphere - in such a short piece the less descriptions the better. The bit about 'palms sway with the midnight hush of the city and the sea rolls upon the banks of glistening sand' is a nice image but it deflates the tension from the story and does not fit in a story of this length.
Also the phrase 'calmed treacle of water' is a little suspect - is it treacle or is it water? it can't be both. Perhaps change it to something like 'calmed treacle of tide.'

3]
Finally, if you took a 'long walk home' as you say you did, how come you were then able to turn back to where the body still lay? were yu dragging it along behind you?
Thought not.....

I may sound a bit picky, but your readers will ask these sorts of questions, and anything that sets doubts in their mind will set doubts about your ability to write.

My advice would be to write a piece - then leave it to one side for a day or two so the details of the story have become blurred in your head - then re-read it with a fresh mind. It's surprising how many blunders you will discover - and be able to put right hopefully before they reach the printed page.

But I enjoyed this piece, and it had a really tricky ending that most reader would be unlikely to spot in advance.

Good effort and good luck.

H

[PickEm'Up]

It is really my first attempt, I mean i've written before but nothing with a beggining and end. Thankyou so much for pointing all this out to me, I have to admit it's kind of embarrasing realizing the mistakes i've made but I'll be sure to take on your advice. Thanks again for doing this (:

[hillwalker]

You're welcome - and you have nothing at all to be embarrassed about.
We all make mistakes when we write but most of us keep them locked up in some dark cupboard.

It takes courage to post your work up to 'peer inspection' on a site like this.
Keep writing.....