Ptsd

[Revolte]

Horrific midnight murder
had ended once again
within my fragile mind
the dark would twice begin.

Within my hollow hole
where once was beating heart
is nothing left but stale
avoidance of these scars.

Haven't slept in days
and when I do I scream
filthy cursing words
to mock my dreaded dreams.

They tell me to be proud
“your lucky to have lived”
throw out those useless words
the guilt has settled in.

[Hawkman]

Hey Revolt, Nice poem. just got a quick query though.

"Within my hallow hole
where once was beating heart"

Is hallow a typo for hollow or are you implying the hole is sacred? if so Hallowed would be better and not mess up the metre.

Regards, H

[Revolte]

Hey Revolt, Nice poem. just got a quick query though.

"Within my hallow hole
where once was beating heart"

Is hallow a typo for hollow or are you implying the hole is sacred? if so Hallowed would be better and not mess up the metre.

Regards, H

It was a mistype thanks for cathing that.

[PrinceMyshkin]

There's a confident authority in your meter and rhyme that carried me beyond some things I didn't understand.

[Bar22do]

Horrific midnight murder
had ended once again
within my fragile mind
the dark would twice begin.

Within my hollow hole
where once was beating heart
is nothing left but stale
avoidance of these scars.

Haven't slept in days
and when I do I scream
filthy cursing words
to mock my dreaded dreams.

They tell me to be proud
“your lucky to have lived”
throw out those useless words
the guilt has settled in.

I hope, Revolte, it's not your own experience you're speaking of here!... PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) is a suffering close to impossible to bear (and one is more cursed than lucky to live in this condition...) though these days some methods help to cope, sometimes even to cure...

Anyhow, your poem describes so well the condition. As I must have told you before - you gain confidence and more mastery with every new poem. Thanks for this sharing and -

BE WELL! best - Bar

[D. J. R. Caron]

Yes, it does sound very authoritative and the rhymes, tone and mood all drip with a subtle menace. The only thing that distracted me was the first line 'horrific midnight murder'. I'm honestly ambivalent towards it. On one hand, it sets up everything, time, place, action, mood, but on the other hand, something about the phrasing sounds juvenile, like it's being screamed in a cheap metal song. Still, aside from that, it's very solid. The second stanza is my favorite, a very powerful image underplayed.

[MorpheusSandman]

It's a really dark piece that I imagine would resonate with many that have lived through such a thing. I like the consistent use of meter and rhyme, but my only recommendation is to not let it twist lines too much: "Where once was beating heart" reads rather wonky without the "a" article.

[Revolte]

It's a really dark piece that I imagine would resonate with many that have lived through such a thing. I like the consistent use of meter and rhyme, but my only recommendation is to not let it twist lines too much: "Where once was beating heart" reads rather wonky without the "a" article.

lol wonky. That word makes me laugh every time I read it. I see what your saying though and I agree, Maybe I will come up with someone to fix it without having to throw off the flow or rewrite the entire part, but right now I've got a case of the struggle.

@Bar this one isn't about me thankfully.

Thank you everyone, as always, for the kind words and the recommendations.

And I'm very, very happy that it hits the subject well. I can say I was fairly afraid to write this one inaccurately.

[dizzydoll]

Yes its very sad to see the effects of ptsd. I saw the effects of war in Africa, men come home broken to such terrible dreams and flashbacks. Many wives cannot cope and then leave these men to their own devices, where many of those suffering from ptsd will end up on the street, this after serving their country.

Yes you have found an eloquent voice to express societies shame, altho it comes nowhere near close to what these men actually face... day by day... moment by moment. Many cant stand the darkness anymore to take their own lives to stop the torment, this after serving their country.

[Revolte]

Yes its very sad to see the effects of ptsd. I saw the effects of war in Africa, men come home broken to such terrible dreams and flashbacks. Many wives cannot cope and then leave these men to their own devices, where many of those suffering from ptsd will end up on the street, this after serving their country.

Yes you have found an eloquent voice to express societies shame, altho it comes nowhere near close to what these men actually face... day by day... moment by moment. Many cant stand the darkness anymore to take their own lives to stop the torment, this after serving their country.

I don't know how you can manage to see all that and still keep sain. I remember in High School one of my anarchist teachers had a guest speeker come in. This guy used to be in his class and went to serve in the war, he couldnt even stand without shaking he was so messed up. It realy disgusted me to see someone have to lose so much of themselves for something not needed.

[dizzydoll]

I just remembered, these days there is fantastic help for these Vets returning from war, perhaps if you know any in your area you can refer them to organisations like this, I wrote blog about it:

Prison Inmates training Cell Dogs for Soldiers suffering from PTSD (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/blog.php?b=10137)

Its such a wonderful program, enjoy the videos the blog provides... who cant help but LOVE "mans best friend" -- the dog, we are so privileged to have them as company. :biggrin5:

[blank|verse]

Read Wilfred Owen's 'Mental Cases' (http://users.fulladsl.be/spb1667/cultural/owen/mental-cases.html)?

It's a strong poem, Revolte; I tend to agree with Morpheus that this needs tidying:

where once was beating heart
or perhaps untidying, cutting back, something like:

Within,
where once was heart
is nothing left