Yesterdays

[sakaharah]

Yesterdays


Yesterday I lust for you
Yesterday I put my trust in you
Yesterday I dreamt with you
Yesterday I slept with you

Today I wept for you
The promise I kept for you
Today My heart is stone
Today I am alive but I am alone

Yesterday I was your man
Yesterday I was part of your plan
Yesterday we were together
But I wont see you now, not ever.

JR

[MorpheusSandman]

For the first I'd recommend standardizing the syntax, like:

Yesterday I lusted for you
yesterday I trusted in you
Yesterday I dreamt of you
Yesterday I slept with you

This way you get the most impact out of the repetition since only two words change in each stanza. You might think of something like this for each stanza, actually. Especially considering only two doesn't use the refrain word. And also standardize the meter; the lines with extra beats like "Today I am alive but I am alone" and "But I won't see you now, not ever" are dissonant with the overall rhythm.

[Il Dante]

For the first I'd recommend standardizing the syntax, like:

Yesterday I lusted for you
yesterday I trusted in you
Yesterday I dreamt of you
Yesterday I slept with you

This way you get the most impact out of the repetition since only two words change in each stanza. You might think of something like this for each stanza, actually. Especially considering only two doesn't use the refrain word. And also standardize the meter; the lines with extra beats like "Today I am alive but I am alone" and "But I won't see you now, not ever" are dissonant with the overall rhythm.

I strongly concur. Morpheus's version above gains a tremendous amount of power from the consistent repitition.