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Oliver Pockets
04-23-2010, 12:04 PM
Abe was still in the study, his books surrounding him like spectators in a roman coliseum. He had moved to the large leather armchair sometime in the early morning, having reading through most of the night his bearded chin rested on his chest. He dreamt of the Henturi attacking his childhood village, it had been his first encounter with the creatures. The encounter had made him pledge to do all in his power to stop the Henturi from destroying the race of man; this battle had consumed his life for the past 50 years.

The sun was rising red in the east, the woman was awake and pulling back all the blackout curtains. The heavy drapes were the color of charcoal; they kept the house lights from being seen from unwelcome guests at night. The woman walked into the study and woke Abe by saying “Schroder is going to eat me the next time I walk by his room if you don’t get up to feed him soon.” “Hhhmpf ahem” growled a thinks to the woman as he slowly pushed himself out of his armchair.

Abe went to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water, quickly drank and turned to the wooden door in the back of the kitchen. Stairs led down to a stone floor, between the stones grew dark green moss; the air was damp and smelled slightly odd. The cellar was small and most of the space was taken up by an old icebox the odd smell was wafting out of the seams in the old refrigerators door. Abe took a deep swallow of air before he opened the door, inside was a stack of old and rotting meat. Abe used a pair of old hay hooks to pick up the meat, he quickly kicked the door of the icebox closed and hurried his way up the stairs, through the kitchen and down the hall to a large metal door that stood at the end of the passageway. He slid the meat through a small hinged door at the bottom of the steel door. A scuffling that was quickly followed by the sound of meat being torn and quickly eaten, heavy footsteps walked away from the door and a loud humming could be heard coming from the back of the room. “I’ll bring more before we leave “ said Abe; a light growl gently shook the door of the room. Abe walked back to the kitchen and washed his hands in a bucket of sand.


I would love to have your input/editorial skills/critical analysis/encouragement in any dose you deem necessary.

hillwalker
04-23-2010, 01:29 PM
Again you have a gift fo creating a gothic atmosphere similar in some respects to Poe or H P Lovecraft.

However, I don't know whether this is the first draft but the high number of typos will put off some readers and detract from the plotline. You might want to read through your work more carfully before posting :

"growled a thinks to the woman"
"purred himself a glass"
"is he set the glass down"
"smelled a slightly odd"

We are all guilty of it, but if you are presenting something to the reader he/she will not trust your ability to tell the story if he/she cannot trust your spelling/grammar (although I know some forward thinking teachers who think free expression is more important than accuracy).

Another couple of little quibbles :

"fifty years of his existence" (no need for 'of his existence' - its sounds as if he is an organisation not a person)

and for some reason "unwanted guests" made me picture them already being inside the house, whereas "unwelcome guests" would suggest they are still outside. Don't ask me why that is - sometimes two words that mean the same thing suddenly change when placed in a particular context, such is the richness of our language.

You are obviously fired up at the moment so forgive me for judging your work too harshly - perhaps you need to get this blast of creativity out of your system by writing as much down as possible, then go through it with a red pan and a meat cleaver (be ruthless) before posting some of it for a response.
I feel that you are perhaps a little apprehensive or lack confidence in your ability. Your writing shows a deft touch and a broad imagination. Don't let your doubts hold you back, the more you write the better you will become, and the more you read the more easily you will be able to identify your strengths and weaknesses.

Good luck.

Oliver Pockets
04-28-2010, 07:07 PM
Oh boy... your right thats pretty sad. I tend to write quickly and I've never been much of a rereader... those combined equal a tendency for disaster. Thanks again for your input. I will strive to breath before posting :)

hillwalker
04-29-2010, 10:32 AM
Oh boy... your right thats pretty sad.

No. It is not sad at all, OP . That's just how writing works - you scribble down thoughts as quickly as possible before they escape your grasp. BUT then you have to read over what you've written because doing so often helps you actually discover what you wrote on autopilot - and refine it wherever possibe.

So keep writing, and good luck.

H