Highway Of Love

[Lamar Cole]

Our hearts met on the highway of love.
Our souls floated on the clouds above.
Your love must have been heaven sent.
Many nights of bliss with you I have spent.

When I said I love you.
You wept waterfalls of happy tears.
We are still so much in love after all these years.

Days will come and years will past.
Our love darling is sweet music.
That will always last.

[Il Dante]

Our hearts met on the highway of love.
Our souls floated on the clouds above.
Your love must have been heaven sent.
Many nights of bliss with you I have spent.

When I said I love you.
You wept waterfalls of happy tears.
We are still so much in love after all these years.

Days will come and years will past.
Our love darling is sweet music.
That will always last.

A few friendly comments from a fellow learner.

First, stanza 1, line four: "Many nights of bliss with you I have spent." Recently a poster called HayseedHuck talked about the need for poets to "tighten their poetry." I think this line may be the sort of thing he was talking about. "with you I have spent" feels a little loose, and it would probably be good to "tighten it up" a bit. It is good to not give the reader the impression that we are using words to fill out the line; every word should be pregnant and highly functional; therefore poets often prefer "tight" expressions rather than ones with lots of auxiliary words such as "with you I have spent." Maybe it's better to stay away from "have + participial" constructions in general.

I struggle with this too. Right now I am trying to write a sonnet and am wrestling furiously with it to try and tighten it up. It's a challenge, but it's worth it.

Second, stanza 2, line 2: "you wept waterfalls of happy tears." Here "wept" and "waterfalls" alliterate, and alliteration = good. However, "waterfalls" is a pretty strong metaphor. It conjures up some very strong images. It might be good to try a different metaphor in this case.

The last stanza is very sweet!

Keep up the writing! :patriot:

[dizzydoll]

I too enjoyed the loving mood of this poems message and I have to agree, Il Dante's advice sounds right. :biggrin5:

[D. J. R. Caron]

It's a bit saccharine, but then again it is a love poem. I'm not particularly big on the lovely-dovey stuff, but well, what can I say? I still kind of like it. The rhymes are simple, but sound nice. The sentiment is simple, but comes across very well. Yes, I like it.