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Oliver Pockets
04-22-2010, 04:57 PM
A.

Loneliness covered the man like a wet sheet. The inside of his mind was a lonely cave that echoed with the sounds of his own thoughts. Each tendril of of his mind sent out in search of something to latch onto, either the warm smile of some friend, or a belief, the walls of the cave where causeless, smooth, and unforgiving.


An edifice, towering silently in the dark, height unknowable… safety was depressingly out of reach for the man. He stood with his back bent against the darkness that mantled his life.


His mind attempted to grasp some motif of belief that could somehow redeem his life from being completely worthless and without cause or aim. Nothingness echoed from the walls of the cavern, he was alone and stood for nothing. Why was he still alive? For what purpose did he continue to choose meaningless life over the nothingness of death?


The man carefully explored the surface on which he stood with the end of his big toe… the shelf was about three square feet… not much room for dancing.



B.


Loneliness covered the man like a wet sheet. The inside of his mind was a lonely cave that echoed with the sounds of his own thoughts, it was a desolate cavern populated by jaw breaking elbows and angry colors. Each tendril of of his mind sent out in search of something to latch onto, either the warm smile of some friend, or a belief, the walls of the cave where causeless, smooth, and unforgiving.


An edifice, towering silently in the dark, height unknowable… safety was depressingly out of reach for the man. He stood with his back bent against the darkness that mantled his life.


His mind attempted to grasp some motif of belief that could somehow redeem his life from being completely worthless and without cause or aim. Nothingness echoed from the walls of the cavern, he was alone and stood for nothing. Why was he still alive? For what purpose did he continue to choose meaningless life over the nothingness of death?


The man carefully explored the surface on which he stood with the end of his big toe… the shelf was about three square feet… not much room for dancing.


Any input would be greatly appreciated. :)

hillwalker
04-23-2010, 07:05 AM
I sense this tale will not end well.....

Just a couple of thoughts :

In the second paragraph you introduce the edifice (a tall building he is perched upon if I read it correctly?) so returning to the cave of his mind is backtracking unnecessarily and drags the story to a halt.

You have already established that his mind is a cave - repeating the fact so soon is just annoying - the vivid descriptions here of 'jaw breaking elbows and angry colours' could, however, be incorporated in the first paragraph rather than discarded.

Also line 3 in the first paragraph - 'Each thought' coming immediately after 'thoughts' at the end of the previous sentence is a bit clumsy. 'Each one...' would do as the sense is not lost.

But I'm really getting into editing territory which is probably not what you had in mind.
As a taster for what is to follow though, it certainly got me hooked.

Good stuff.

Oliver Pockets
04-23-2010, 11:55 AM
thanks hillwalker,

your thoughts are much appreciated

hillwalker
04-23-2010, 01:36 PM
You are welcome as always.
Both new edits are equally good - how you might use the two I'm not sure.

Now you need to take a running jump at the story itself rather than getting bogged down in redrafting alterations so early in the story. I can sense there is a momentum in your writing and you need to keep those cogs turning while they are spinning free otherwise you might find it difficult to pick up where you left off.....

Enthusiasm for writing is as important as craftsmanship and you seem to have it in abundance.

H