The Forgotten Shore

[Alexander III]

The night air

[Dark Muse]

I really like this, it has an almost haunting beauty to it. It creates some lovely imagery, and there is something sort of meloncoholy and yet serene about it.

[Lumiere]

Very different from your usual style - if I'm thinking of the same person.

The sea whispers
Of a life
To which I cannot swim

Oh!
I felt that one. Right in the solar plexis.

[hillwalker]

Yes. A simple poem with haunting images of regret and of our ultimate insignificance in the scheme of things.

Just one thought - the fourth line at the end of st. 7
"For it has never been known."
reads rather clumsily and perhaps the poem would benefit from its removal.

Other than that a very thought-provoking piece.

[dizzydoll]

I enjoy all poems that deal with nature and our little blue dot. :smile5:

And of course I watch the Indian Ocean while I am on my computer... today its dark blue for now, choppy waves and there are two ships about.

Well done. :biggrin5:

[blank|verse]

I'm not surprised Dark Muse likes it - it's like a pastiche of one of her own poems; the short, tight lines reflect well the tone of 'despair' at musing in solitude.

For the most part it's effectively wrought but I agree with Hillwalker about the bumpy line; and I think the last line could do with being punctuated properly, so the meaning is clear:

I shall fade into the night
As a star in dawns bright

[Buh4Bee]

Very nice.

I liked this line:
As my foot print
Washed away
By a poignant wave

Reminds me a bit of the prayer- footprints in the sand. The point of the prayer is we are never alone and some other religious stuff.


I was just down the shore and look out into the sea. Then I passed exit 12 on 87 and I didn't feel any despair.

Smile, be happy!

[lallison]

Nice poem with a few really great lines, most of which have already been mentioned. I like the last two best and feel you could cut out the repetition of the first stanza, it detracts rather than adds. successfully melancholy.

[MorpheusSandman]

Well, I hate to play the Negative Ned, but this is actually the first piece I've read of yours, Alex, that I didn't completely love. It has its moments, but I also found some problems with it. I think the rhyme of the first stanza sets up an expectation of more that doesn't come until its repeated. I don't think the short lines really serve the feeling of piece. I see this is a piece that should flow more, rather than make us stop after every few words. Plus, I don't think the short stanzas allow for the metaphors to really develop. The stanzas also appear somewhat disconnected: For instance, the first stanza establishes the setting as night, but a few stanzas later you repeat how the sun has set on the shore. The repeating images like the shore and sea should probably connect to the others a bit more. One thing to constantly think about in pieces like these is how one stanza flows into the next and what connects them. Like it might be helpful to connect an image of sand in one line to footprints in another since the footprints would be in the sand. Or, structure it like: footprints -> Sand -> pick up sand -> wind blows sand away to the sea -> etc. This way even though the stanzas remain separate and distinct they follow a chain of events.

[Buh4Bee]

When I read this piece, it appeared to me that it was written quickly. Sort of like an inspiration of the moment. So given that context, if it is so, I think it is an OK poem. It is not the best I have read by A3, and I think Morpheus makes some good points.

I know that I tend to write poems such as this and quickly publish them, because they express what I want to say- may not be the best poetry.

Welcome back Morpheus!

[Alexander III]

As always thank you for you opinions :)

Yes I actually agree with many of your suggestions (welcome back Morph your critique is always wanted here)

As Jersea said this poem was written in the moment there was no planning put to it but rather just letting it flow out.

However I see what you guys mean and I think the adjustments would benefit the poem.

[Buh4Bee]

Wow! I'm glad I was right about how you wrote the poem. I was thinking about this comment later and thought I had a lot of audacity to speak for you. Glad the comment was well received, but I didn't mean to assume anything.

be well!

[N.W.Alexander]

This is really good... for me I don't know why but it puts me in hopefully meloncholly mood where I feel refreshed so thank you

[MorpheusSandman]

Welcome back Morpheus!
Glad to be back, jersea. I can't guarantee my stay, but I'll try to hang around for a while. :)

[Greymure]

I enjoyed the simplicity of the poem.

[Il Dante]

This is an unhappy poem.

[Hawkman]

A fine poem with economy of expression in every stanza, which communicates eloquently the spirit of the piece. Very well crafted I think.