Charity

[lallison]

I moved this to a another website to maintain more control over its contents. Have a look:

http://darkjakarta.wordpress.com/

[hillwalker]

I found this a fascinatng read - a glimpse into another culture, but also like picking up a stone and looking at all the life hidden in the darkness and dampness underneath it.

You have a way of painting very vivid scenes that bring the writing to life. I don't know what your feelings are about whether or not these girls were being exploited or not. And am not sure whether expressing your thoughts upon such matters fit into this particular piece.

It sounds as if there is more to follow and I shall look forward to a further read.
Thank you for sharing this.

H

[shortstoryfan]

My only thought is if you have read what some cultural anthropologists say about culture. Obviously, this is creative nonfiction essay, but you still want to sound informed by intellectuals. Just a thought.

[lallison]

Thanks guys, sorry its taken me about a month to respond. I wanted to wait until I had part II finished and didn't expect it to take me this long. At this rate I'll be done in about 2 years. The problem has been that my head has been filled with poetry, along with a few trips away from home. Anyhow, here is some response.

hill,as always, thanks for the positive feedback. This is a story that, I realize, has its controversy. So thanks for being accepting of it. I think the issue of exploitation must be addressed here, and intend to do that as the characters continue to be introduced and developed. I'm honestly not exactly sure what the verdict is going to be on that one yet, but that's one of the reasons I feel its important to explore this.

ssfan,thanks also for reading this one over. Sadly, this is the first time I've heard the phrase "creative nonfiction," but now that I understand the concept, I realize I've written a lot of it. So thanks for that. I'm reading "In Cold Blood" now to get a better grip on the genera. As far as culture is concerned, I had to study it extensively in grad-school. It would be hard for me to be very successful at work without a good grasp of culture. The first paragraph on the "essay" is essentially my attempt at creating a figurative definition for something called "invisible culture," which is what culture really is. Its another iceberg theory, where the root of it lies below the surface, embedded in our minds, and the foods and traditions we see are just the tip of the iceberg above the surface. Google "invisible culture" if you have time. Its fascinating, at least to me.

So, as I mentioned, I've finally got part II posted, and will try to get III finished at a quicker pace. I've got a back log of poetry now, so I should be able to concentrate on this a bit more. I promise this story gets a lot better too. Its one of those things you've got to see to believe. Otherwise, you would never imagine it to be real.

[hillwalker]

Another fascinating chapter - much to ponder and take in.

Perhaps the third-from-last para of this second installment needs tightening up near the beginning.


A lot of other things happened that I haven’t yet relayed.

This suggests you are trying to skip through the story at a faster pace in order to reach somewhere else more interesting. However, it's not a particularly effective method of moving things along for the reader as he/she feels short-changed.
It's much better to jump directly to the next piece of relevant action - like in a film where the scene cuts from one scenario to the next. The viewer is generally able to fill the blanks. Or realises he will be told what he needs to know eventually.

Keep 'em coming.

H

[RaoulDuke]

I found this to be one of the most grabbing peices I've come across on this section of the forum; stemming from the ominous introduction. I eagerly await the third installment.