Bird on the Wire

[dizzydoll]

Hello again, remember me... just experimenting again. Please, what do you think?

Bird on the Wire

My heart skips a beat, he‘s here!
I wonder, what mood do I face.
Moreover I feel weak,
with eyes closed I swoon
like a lamb I am meek.
No other has touched this space
sigh, not so sure it's safe...

Today we play carefree,
like no-one else can see.
We flirt openly, people ogle
and they get an eyeful.
Sudden shyness grips me
uncertainty in privacy.
Then in a single blink
the moment is gone
and taken him along...

As we nibble crumbs of love
everyday feelings get stronger.
Its getting that much harder.
His heart, the same I know
he knows, we both know. Oh no!
It won't work so, I should go...
oh Man, why can’t I just say no?

[PrinceMyshkin]

Given that you are an ex-prude (or that I have a filthy mind, I'd advise you to substitute something for this:



they wish to be in our saddle.


as it has what I think is an unintended, raw sexual suggestion. Otherwise, though, this is a wonderfully open, innocent poem.

[hillwalker]

I enjoyed reading this DD - those feelings of really being in love for perhaps the first time and knowing that everyone is watching you but not caring because you only have eyes for your lover.....

I would query the line - "they wish to be in our saddle"
- do you mean perhaps "they wish to be in our shoes" ?

and occasionally the rhyme has too much power over what you are trying to say and it ends up sounding a little clumsy

but a good effort, almost idyllic in the way it sets the scene and describes those uncertain emotions.

H

[dizzydoll]

Thanks guys, I am flattered. Ok I will change it to shoes instead, I only put saddle because a saddle takes us places.. assuming its on the horse of course. lol.


Yes that is a past love, sweet and innocent actually... but very deep nonetheless.



Today we play carefree,
like no-one else can see.
We flirt openly, people ogle
they wish to be in our shoes.
Sudden shyness grips me
uncertainty in privacy.
Then in one blink...
the moment is gone
and taken him along.


I have decided to change the bolded line to:
"We flirt openly, people ogle
and they get an eyeful"

It looks better I feel.

Pssst... I made changes to this poem so Hacks comment doesnt fit now... lol, Its allowed, he knows I am a woman. lol

[hack]

I wouldn't trade a saddle for shoes, not even saddle shoes.
The point is riding off into the sunset, is it not? Saddle up!
...peace...