Rustic Breaths

[Revolte]

( This is way out of my element, so any and all advice is appreciated, please. )

Rustic breaths stream from your majestic mouth
like a river of love poured straight in my heart.

Your curvature sings of wisdom and age
formed from the years of waterfall's strain.

Relentlessly perched in the heart of the land
your triumph is seen in life that you nurse.

I name thee a goddess of earth and of pride –
for in you is heaven, a man's very soul.

[blazeofglory]

Indeed this a is a beautiful piece, a vibrant poem

[Hawkman]

Hi Revolte, I like it too, but ther's something about that last line that niggles with me.

B/V would be the best one to deconstruct it, but I think its the stress of the last word, 'man.' It's a week stress, and I think you need a strong one finish with.

It's just a suggestion, but what about, "A man's very soul."

All the best, H

[Revolte]

Hi Revolte, I like it too, but ther's something about that last line that niggles with me.

B/V would be the best one to deconstruct it, but I think its the stress of the last word, 'man.' It's a week stress, and I think you need a strong one finish with.

It's just a suggestion, but what about, "A man's very soul."

All the best, H

I like that I will throw that in there.

[Hawkman]

You know, I wish I hadn't suggested it now.... I've read it and re read it and I've come to the conclusion that it was better the way you had it! My suggestion just isn't right - Please forgive.. H

[Bar22do]

Genuine and goodhearted, you know to appreciate the reign of the feminine! with every poem your art shows more confidence! Be well - Bar

[Buh4Bee]

It has class and respect for the feminine. Lucky girl.

[dizzydoll]

( This is way out of my element, so any and all advice is appreciated, please. )

Your wild child energy will always carry a voice others wish to hear. Well done. :biggrin5:

[blank|verse]

Well, first off I don't see why there's a need for the apologetic preface, it's a perfectly fine poem. I presume the uncertainty is because you're stepping out of metrical form to free verse, but you seem naturally to feel the stresses of the lines, which are regular enough not to disrupt the flow of the poem.

In terms of content, you're in Wordsworth 'Tintern Abbey' country (if you don't know it, go and read it after this). One thing you can learn from The Great Man (!) is his congruence between form and content – ie. he's writing about how the flow of nature feeds his soul &c. so that's how he writes – flowing lines of blank verse. Your shorter lines give a more stop-start staccato feel; something that can be improved just by doing this:

Rustic Breaths

Rustic breaths stream from your majestic mouth
like a river of love poured straight in my heart.

Your curvature sings of wisdom and age
formed from the years of waterfall's strain.

Relentlessly perched in the heart of the land
your triumph is seen in life that you nurse.

I name thee a goddess of earth and of pride –
for in you is heaven, a man's very soul.
By lengthening the lines, the reader reads more, and by removing punctuation marks and capitalisations, he/she also reads more quickly. And now you've got lines which are similar to blank verse in that they have four or five stresses so read very fluently.

The only problem is for me that I still don't know quite what you're talking about! I take it you mean a river, but if that's the case in line 2 you're saying the river is 'like a river'; and the 'mouth' of the river (line 1) is where it flows into the sea, not the spring where it originates. There's no reason you can't have these things, of course, but I think it would be better to avoid confusion in this poem.

Still, good stuff, Revolte; good to try something different. I noticed in another poem you posted recently you seem to be getting a good handle on using ballad form to your advantage, to do what you want it to do, and not be controlled by it, which is the sign of a good writer. Keep it up.

[Revolte]

Well, first off I don't see why there's a need for the apologetic preface, it's a perfectly fine poem. I presume the uncertainty is because you're stepping out of metrical form to free verse, but you seem naturally to feel the stresses of the lines, which are regular enough not to disrupt the flow of the poem.

In terms of content, you're in Wordsworth 'Tintern Abbey' country (if you don't know it, go and read it after this). One thing you can learn from The Great Man (!) is his congruence between form and content – ie. he's writing about how the flow of nature feeds his soul &c. so that's how he writes – flowing lines of blank verse. Your shorter lines give a more stop-start staccato feel; something that can be improved just by doing this:

Rustic Breaths

Rustic breaths stream from your majestic mouth
like a river of love poured straight in my heart.

Your curvature sings of wisdom and age
formed from the years of waterfall's strain.

Relentlessly perched in the heart of the land
your triumph is seen in life that you nurse.

I name thee a goddess of earth and of pride –
for in you is heaven, a man's very soul.
By lengthening the lines, the reader reads more, and by removing punctuation marks and capitalisations, he/she also reads more quickly. And now you've got lines which are similar to blank verse in that they have four or five stresses so read very fluently.

The only problem is for me that I still don't know quite what you're talking about! I take it you mean a river, but if that's the case in line 2 you're saying the river is 'like a river'; and the 'mouth' of the river (line 1) is where it flows into the sea, not the spring where it originates. There's no reason you can't have these things, of course, but I think it would be better to avoid confusion in this poem.

Still, good stuff, Revolte; good to try something different. I noticed in another poem you posted recently you seem to be getting a good handle on using ballad form to your advantage, to do what you want it to do, and not be controlled by it, which is the sign of a good writer. Keep it up.

ah that feels so much better B/V thank you for that, and for the word of support!

The poem itself is about the mountains I see outside from my house.