Background Noise

[hillwalker]

Something a bit more experimental.....:confused5:


BACKGROUND NOISE


“I haven’t brought the girls to see you…..
daddy’s girls….. they send their kisses.”

slices of read-only memory:
flocks of wild geese/
wings in mid-flight….. dinosaur fridge/
magnets….. laughter….. dirty dishes….. one John Martyn/
song too many….. whisky chasers first night we got drunk together….. dancing….. dog/
mess….. scent of joss/
sticks….. a blur of blues, more sound than colour,
lying here, my hard drive mangled…..

back in the car, the engine racing,
the wipers furious, the side-swipe spinning,
the thump of airbag, the smack of windscreen;
a dizzying pain then sensations sliding,
i’m choking on ether, i’m sinking in quicksand…..
sweet suffocation
much sweeter than swooning…..

My facial-recognition-system fails to function, faulty software.
Wonder what my Cathy looks like now; her smile erased by anguish,
flawless skin now etched, imperfect,
eyes discoloured, skin like crepe, that slo-mo chain of sleepless nights and pointless days eroding something more than beauty.

“Maisie’s gone and drawn a picture.
The nurse says stick it on your locker.”

Will she come today….. tomorrow?
Is she with me now, my Cathy?

No longer valid/hardly human/damaged hardware/wired for broadband/
not configured/no connection/brain defective/interference/
memories a Trojan-horse of over-written truth and nightmare.

“Remember how you used to get up in the night to watch them sleeping?”


The sudden taste of strawberry jelly triggering a sense of colour;
then virus scan and disc repair restore all reds to non-existence.
Factory settings, default soundtrack -
hiss of vacuum/
spark of power-cut/
thumping throb of stalled equipment/
constant tick of rusted cogwheels.

back in the cathy indian racing,
the swipers curious, the wheel spin thumping,
a gasp of air and the widescreen cracking,
a dinosaur laugh and i carry on dancing,
i’m drinking in quicksand and grasping at ether,
chasing your shadow
then swooning in sweetness

“I’ve left the children at your mother’s.
My hands are freezing….. can you feel them?”

In one half-life maybe I answer,
But not in this one, heaven help her.
Breathing in and….. breathing out and…..
not my lungs and…... not my heartbeat…..
not my dreams and….. not my memories…..
not my life and….. not my Cathy…..

back in maccarthy…. interfacing…..
wiping the virus, my disc drive idling,
i gasp for air and mychine….. my back-up…..
it senses a fault…… then defragmentation…..
john martyn and joss-sticks…..i’m drowning in quicksand…..
defragmentation,
much sweeter than swoon…..

“The girls keep asking to see their daddy.
I tell them one day, when you’re better”

I beg thee, from this void
release me…..
I pray thee, from this life
unplug me…..

[PrinceMyshkin]

I came to have a second look at this after reading your more recent post & noting your disappointment that no one had said anything good or bad about it.

Well, I for one did not comment because I didn't understand enough of it, didn't understand your use of / and how or whether they contrasted with conventional line breaks and then there were several references that were too private or too obscure for me. I could commend you for experimenting, but that might sound patronizing. best wishes...

[hillwalker]

Thank you PM for your feedback.

The use of / between some of the words was an attempt to dsplay the fractured thought processes of someone suffering brain damage perhaps - or someone in a deeply medicated coma following a traumatic head injury. The idea was that the human element has been taken over by the machinery keeping him alive.

In a way I suppose it's another love poem - from someone in a persistently vegetative state to a wife or partner who continues to visit and strives to act as cheerfully as possible.

A morbid piece I know. But well-intentioned - and as I say, purely experimental in the use of words and metric form.

No doubt some find it too disturbing to comment, but sometimes I like to invite a response - as you say, good or bad. I'm happy to listen and learn from either.

Thank you again.

[Il Dante]

I find your comparison/metaphor/analogy of the mind to computer software interesting. I think that our world needs more poetic treatment of the new world we live in, the digital world, the internet/social media era. When the industrial revolution occured English poets began the Romantic movement which reacted against mechinization and industrialization and praised the beauty of nature. The digital/information-age revolution has been no less paradigmatic, and yet there is a dearth of literature on the subject and how this has affected humanity for better or for worse. Thus I like that you brought in the idea of computers.

Having never been in a vegetative coma I cannot comment on whether this poem reflects such a mental state well.

My only negative comment would be your use of "i" in the italicized portions. I realize that you did this intentionally and perhaps it serves a purpose that I have not percieved. But I am a Strunkian conservative when it comes to language innovation. The reason why I don't like "i" is that it was a linguistic innovation pushed not by masters of the English language, not by artists, not by poets... but by AIMers and "web 2.0" programmers who, IMO, should not be the ones who mould our language. But that's just me...

[Bar22do]

Challenging, interesting and complex! gives much matter for thought, in addition to the Art that it offers! thanks hillwalker! - bar

[hillwalker]

Thank you for your intelligent and detailed response.

I suppose I demoted 'I' to 'i' in the 3 italicised sections (the choruses where he replays the accident) to reflect the way the narrator's identity had become diminished by his increasing reliance on a machine for survival.

Incidentally, I have no more experience of being in a vegetative state than you - i.e. none. It is just a step into the unknown; as I say, an experiment.....

Thanks again

[Il Dante]

Incidentally, I have no more experience of being in a vegetative state than you - i.e. none. It is just a step into the unknown; as I say, an experiment.....


Fair enough. It's a very interesting experiment.

[hillwalker]

Thanks again - and thank you Bar22do for your comments.

[Hawkman]

I'm sorry I have taken so long to comment on this poem but I've been a bit pressed for time. I was struck by your technique and imagery which I felt communicated your intent well and I interpreted your meaning correctly I think. It is not an easy poem to read but It rewards the effort. Thanks for sharing. H

[hillwalker]

Thank you H for taking the time - I acknowledge it is not an easy poem to read or come to terms with. That was partly the idea - to provoke some response.

Your comments very much appreciated.

Thanks

[sadparadise]

Thanks Hillwalker very poignant piece. Loved the use of computer lingo to express your ideas/ feelings. Will read again.

[hillwalker]

Thank you sadparadise.
Glad you appreciate my intention.

[lallison]

the biggest problem i see with this poem is that i can't imagine it working well without an explanation. Once I read what you were trying to do, it became clear and interesting, but during my first reading, I was completely lost. Maybe if you began with a "newspaper quote" about someone left in a coma from an accident. In addition, you've taken on an ambitions creative problem, to write in the first person point of view of someone in a vegetative state.

Still, after understanding your subject matter, it becomes artful. I thought the last stanza was a bit cliche' if you could have a cliche for this situation. But it contrasts with the rest of the experiment.

Your bravery is to be commended, thanks

[hillwalker]

Thank you lallison.

I can see it requires a few more clues for the new reader to understand the gist of the poem.
It's difficult being the omnipotent writer because I know exactly what the situation is beforehand, and perhaps I'd hoped that repeated readings would be enough to clarify matters.

As for the last cliche'd little verse - that's actually what came to me first, and I took up the challenge from there to explore why someone would make such a desperate request.

Thanks again, your comments are very much appreciated.

[lallison]

As for the last cliche'd little verse - that's actually what came to me first, and I took up the challenge from there to explore why someone would make such a desperate request.



I think that's exactly how literature works, first there is an idea and the rest of it is an exploration. At least for me, that's how it is, and sometimes the final product is not at all what I expected.

Please keep exploring your ideas and posting them here for us to read. : )

[hillwalker]

Thanks lallison


sometimes the final product is not at all what I expected.


for me it tends to be more often than just sometimes, which is why I enjoy writing so much.

[blank|verse]

I'm afraid, unlike Prince, I am going to sound slightly patronising by saying that it's a good attempt and there's no harm in experimenting etc, etc.

I think everyone who writes poetry wants to find new ways of expressing things - it's just difficult to do that in a way that doesn't draw too much attention to itself at the expense of the poetry. The form dominates the content here and I think this is the weakness of this poem (so much so that it reads more like prose, to be honest); once I understood what was happening, I started skipping bits. Maybe it could do with editing down to make it shorter and sharper, like the images and random thoughts flashing across this poor guy's brain.

I think also you have Eliot's 'Wasteland' behind this somewhere, with the fractured understanding / representation of the world. And in a different way, Don Paterson's extraordinary 'Song for Natalie "Tusja" Beridze' from 'Rain' with its references to technology. (That poem keeps you reading for the humour of waiting to see how he rhymes each shambolically, rambling, techno-speak riddled line.) Also, for me, the car racing scene suggested Hunter S. Thompson; 'Cathy' suggested 'Wuthering Heights'.

Personally, I felt the weakest point was the conclusion, it sounded a bit melodramatic, which could perhaps be improved by removing 'I beg thee' and 'I pray thee' so it just sounds more coldly emotionless.

Still, an imaginative piece of writing.

[hillwalker]

Thanks BV - as always your comments are much appreciated and you do get down to the heart of the poetry (its content and structure rather than just what it's trying to say).
Some of the comparisons you allude to I'll admit I'm not conversant with - so at least plagiarism isn't an issue.

The melodramatic lines at the end were in fact the starting point for the poem's conception - perhaps it's time to reformat.....

The 'car racing scenes' (italicised) were purely my trying to show how the patient continuously replays the traffic accident in his mind - on a loop - but each replay or chorus disintegrating more and more until the word sounds are all that is left - no sense or meaning, just random bytes of memory.

As for your comment that the form over-rides the content here - well, yes. I felt the form was integral to the poem. An experiment in something different from my normal writing. I don't believe it's a failure, and I note your positive words - just a work in progress.
At least you were courteous enough to give it a good deal of thought and your response has given me much food for thought.

Thanks again.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I think also you have Eliot's 'Wasteland' behind this somewhere, with the fractured understanding / representation of the world. And in a different way, Don Paterson's extraordinary 'Song for Natalie "Tusja" Beridze' from 'Rain' with its references to technology.

After reading that I googled my derriere off trying tp bring up the Patterson poem, found lots of references to him & the volume that poem comes from but not the actual text. Do you have a link to it you could provide me or if you have the entire poem on hard drive could you please PM it to me?

[dizzydoll]

Well after reading everyones comments I understand your poem better, this is only cos I am learning English... and have chosen the poets to teach me. lol. However, I must admit I rarely read long posts, perhaps I have ADD or something equally as marvelous. lol.

As long as you have fun thats all that counts, even if its garbage that you write... have fun doing it.

[hillwalker]

So thanks for reading this - it's not the easiest poem to learn English from !!!

For someone studying the language I am impressed with how articulate you are.

ADD? Is that Anti-Dress Disorder? (just looking at your avatar) hoho !!

[dizzydoll]

lol. thats another thing I am busy learning not to be such a prude. That avatar and other pix I have on my profile are actually from Woodstock 1969... :patriot:

So as the old saying goes... never judge a book by its cover. :biggrin5:

[hillwalker]

One thing I'm never guilty of I assure you.

I thought you might have been a Flower Power girl from your 'Make Love Not War' headline - a great time to be young and innocent.......