Judgement

[Hawkman]

The prisoner before the bar
Has been accused of this, so far,
Of having failed to live his life
Or even to have kept his wife.

He doesn’t even own his house,
(We gave it to his former spouse)
A wastrel in these trying times,
We sit in judgement on his crimes.

He failed us in his sacred duty
To contribute just a germ of beauty;
There’s nothing finer than the pound
For money makes the world go round.

Unable to amass some wealth
He creeps through life with lowly stealth
And as he lacks sufficient cash,
As taxmen, we can’t raid his stash.

This punishment I shall declare,
Which frankly I deem more than fair,
For treating loot with such derision,
An indefinite stay in prison.

The screws will treat him harsh I hope,
No less than he deserves, the dope;
And let him then repent at leisure,
Confinement at Her Majesty’s pleasure.

[dizzydoll]

This is good I like :thumbsup:

[Hawkman]

Thanks, Diz, and sorry for knicking your title, I forgot you'd used it, so if I could change it I would. Maybe I should've called it, 'The Sentence'

H

[dizzydoll]

Its not my title... words dont belong to me. Your title is fitting it stays. :smile5:

[lallison]

I see you've found your sense of humor again. Its funny, I like it, especially the first two stanzas, which I thought were the best in the poem. The third stanza seemed awkward. I see how you're trying to use it as a transition, but I'm not sure you need one. Otherwise, you get two thumbs up from me.

[Hawkman]

Thanks, Diz

lallison, I think you may be right, I could drop the third stanza altogether, without detracting from the poem. The word, 'lovlier' doesn't quite work, I should have used, 'finer', I think, but I'll leave it for the moment to see what others think. glad you enjoyed it and I'll watch the posts.

Thanks, H

[PrinceMyshkin]

A touch of Gilbert & Sullivan, an echo of Auden but mostly the mordant wit of Hawkman!

[Hawkman]

Very generous my Prince, thanks. H

[Bar22do]

Hail, Hawkman!!

I love your witty poem very much, but couldn't resist a little editing (for indulging which I should certainly be sent to prison!).
For my defense though: it would be a good idea I believe to be consistent and decide on “we” or “I”, not to opt for both.
The list of committed crimes reads better to me in the past tense.
Also, I personally prefer capital letters at the beginning of sentences only, but in poetry one is free to choose of course…

So here it goes:

(but I must ritually add before - please feel free to take or toss and forgive me/correct me if I miss the point completely!)

(by the way, and re your poem about the Lady of the Lake, having read your comments, I withdraw my reservations!!!!):


The Judgment

The prisoner before the bar
Has been accused /of this,/ so far/,/
Of having failed to live his life
/Or even to/And of not hav/e/ing kept his wife.

He doesn’t /even/ anymore own his house,
(They gave it to his former spouse)
A wastrel in these trying times,
We /sit in judgment/ now judge /on/ his crimes.

He failed /us/ in his sacred duty
To contribute /just/ be it a germ of beauty;
/There’s/ Nothing is lovelier than the pound
For “money makes the world go round”!

Unable to amass some wealth
He creep/s/ed through life with lowly stealth
And as he lack/s/ed sufficient cash,
/As/ We, taxmen, we can’t raid his stash.

Th/is/e punishment /I/ we shall declare,
Which /frankly/ /I/ we deem more than fair,
For treating loot with such derision/,/:
An indeterminate stay in prison.

The screws will treat him harsh /I/we hope,
/No less than/Just as he deserves, the dope;
And let him /then/ repent at leisure,
Confinement at Her Majesty’s pleasure.


And, in neat form, it would read:


The prisoner before the bar
Has been accused so far
Of failing to live a decent life
or to provide for his wife.

He owns no more even his house,
(Finally given to his ex-spouse)
A wastrel in these trying times,
We must judge his wicked crimes.

He betrayed his sacred duty
To bring be it a germ of beauty;
Now: what is finer than a pound
Where “money makes the world go round”?

Impotent to amass some wealth
He crept through life with lowly stealth
And because he lacked required cash,
Taxmen couldn't raid his stash.

The punishment we here declare,
Frankly, deeming it more than fair,
For treating loot with such derision
Is: an indefinite stay in prison.

Torturers will treat him harsh we hope,
Just as he deserves, the dope;
No hurry! let him repent at leisure,
Slave to Her Majesty’s pleasure.



Your humbly ;) self-imposed (though fallible) servant - Bar

[Hawkman]

Hi Bar, and thanks for dropping in.

I think there is some validity in your comment on the I/We discrepancy. However, what I had in mind was that there was more than one person speaking; a council for the prosecution and the judge himself, who actually handed down the sentence. As for in sentence capitalisation, Her Majesty, being a proper noun requires it, and a capital at the beginning of a line is merely a convention which I (and my word processor) adhere to. (sometimes!)

I see what you’re getting at with present and past tenses vis. His crimes. However, some are in the past and others are continuing; e.g. he still lives in a house (he has to live somewhere) but he doesn’t own it. Also the changes you make to S1 actually change its meaning. By claiming that he failed to live a decent life, you imply that he lives an indecent one. What I said was that he didn’t live at all. Failing to provide for his wife also limits the meaning which I intended. Saying, “He couldn’t even keep his wife,” not only implies that he was unable to provide for her, but also that she left him.

“He owns no more even his house” doesn’t scan. There are some words that when juxtaposed are easier to say than others. This is the point of “Tongue Twisters.” ‘Even his house’ isn’t actually a tongue twister but it is inelegant and doesn’t flow in this context. Also to ‘sit in judgement’ has a more formal connotation in keeping with legal procedure than, ‘we must judge’ which could be applicable to choosing curtains. :)

To lose the ‘us’ in “He failed us in his sacred duty” also diminishes the meaning as the ‘us’ and ‘We’ also represent society and its conventions and expectations.
Similarly there is a subtle difference in the meaning of bring, and contribute. Bring is something you have with you, contribute is something you give. The subordinate clause doesn’t really need the ‘now’ and the colon breaks the flow. Also you have turned a statement into a question which diminishes the force of the argument.

Again, changing the tense of S4 detracts from the immediacy of the proceeding trial. If he has no money he can’t be fined, so imprisonment becomes the only option. I have already mentioned the reason for the ‘I and We,’ though I accept that this may be confusing to the reader and the fact that I don’t like the colon as it disrupts the flow in the line. I do prefer ‘indefinite’ to ‘indeterminate,’ though. The loss of the extraneous syllable is definitely desirable.

In Britain, ‘Screw’ is a slang term for prison warder, not actually a torturer, so I didn’t intend to imply that he should be tortured; detention, or confinement at Her Majesty’s pleasure is also understood in Britain to be a stay in prison, which may also be referred to as being “A guest of Her Majesty.” This is probably because prisons are named, Her Majesty’s Prison + location, i.e. HM Prison Exeter.

I appreciate the time and effort you have put into your post and I am always happy to have you stop by and make observations.

Thanks, H

Via con Dios.

[Bar22do]

Well, now at least I read your poem more correctly! thanks! and I hope your thorough explanation was of some use to you as well! I totally agree that the/my line: "He owns no more even his house" doesn't really work, though it doesn't imply he lives elsewhere. I understand what you meant to do with the different voices taking part, but for me at least it lacked clarity. I still think that the implication he lives an "indecent" life goes with the ironic accusation for his indifference to wealth. Anyway -

Be well and write sth soon! Bar

[Hawkman]

Oh dear, Bar, then I too must be indecent... But then only those who are unable to earn massively affect an indifference to wealth, so that's me damned for sure. However, I have no aversion to marrying money, provided I can find (and keep) an attractive young lady of good family, who possesses an indulgent attitude towards dependent indolence!

Live and be well - H

[Bar22do]

I suspect many of us are... me on the top of the list. But we should perhaps see closer to the cause-effect order here - affecting an indifference to wealth ("criminal" :nod: in the Western society) might be the cause of inability to earn massively (or to earn tout court).
A state of creative receptiveness is (alas) often (mis)taken for idleness... which on the contrary, should be taught and respected, at least in those artistically gifted!
For the rest I'm not so sure you could marry money AND a young attractive lady of good family. Even in Britain, bigamy seems to be prohibited! But I might not be updated, of course.

[Hawkman]

Not sure about the bigamy thing as happily I'm single. There must be a rich bird out there somewhere just dying to adopt a wasterel like me!