The Dance

[Revolte]

(I rewrote it a bit. I think "while I hear her purr" is the weakest part of this poem, but damn me and my love for purring ladies I don't want to change it too much lol)

I feel myself in yearning
When I think of sleepless pact,
Made in silk and passion
Formed from the fingers tracks.

To kiss her softened skin
And brush against that fur,
Trimmed to such perfection
While I hear her purr.

When in aroused explosion
We'll perch upon the bed,
Rise unto the wall
While bumping blushing heads.

And while the candles burn
Dimming down the room,
We'll dance in fields of bliss
Perfected by our youth.

Then when all is calm
Entwined we'll drift to sleep,
And rest our needed rest
While meeting in our dreams.

[blazeofglory]

I really feel like dancing. My heart leapt up though the body was earthbound. I fantasized someone close by and arm in arm I soured rains of kisses on her parched lips and of this frenzied state I lost myself to the dance. The dance was my partner and I was the dance myself.

This poem is mystically moving I was really thrilled to read it

[Revolte]

I really feel like dancing. My heart leapt up though the body was earthbound. I fantasized someone close by and arm in arm I soured rains of kisses on her parched lips and of this frenzied state I lost myself to the dance. The dance was my partner and I was the dance myself.

This poem is mystically moving I was really thrilled to read it

Thank you so much Blaze!

[Bar22do]

Revolte, I'll be back to this poem soon, now am still kind of "landing" after a long trip... thanks for being in touch... warm regards - Bar

[dizzydoll]

Very sexy, I'd better take a cold shower. lol. Good job. :coolgleamA:

[Bar22do]

Revolte! what a dance! hormonal, mystical, plain and beautiful. Straight from heart down to paper (or screen) - bravo! I like it. Kudos for that one!

[Hayseed Huck]

I'm sorry.

This a a bad poem.

Bending words to rhyme is always
a terrible thing.

HH

[Revolte]

I'm sorry.

This a a bad poem.

Bending words to rhyme is always
a terrible thing.

HH

To each each their own. ( Also the work I do is in rhyme, a sacrifice you have to make while doing that is well, rhyme. I did not bend the words anywhere in this either, the closest to that is bed and heads, but that was based from personal experience... And I really don't mind criticism but simply saying 'this is a bad poem' doesn't help it any, so next time you don't like something I do, give your exact reasons so I can grow from it other wise you just don't like it, and calling me out on your dislike for it seems rather juvenile. Let me note that I'm not upset that you don't like the poem, I'm irritated that you didn't get into details, and just stated it's bad. )

Thank you everyone else.

[Hayseed Huck]

This is a bad poem for the reasons listed.
**
I feel myself in yearning
When I think of sleepless pact,
**
Two propositional verbs-- feel and
think-- are contradictory here.

The narrator yearns when he thinks--
yearning is visceral, not cognitive.

The poem starts poorly.
**
Made in silk and passion
**
How sweet, silk and passion.
cliches of the most sappy kind.

Sorry, but you wished for my reasons.
**
Formed from the fingers tracks.
**
silk and passion is 'formed from finger traces."
**
To kiss her softened skin
And brush against her fur,
Trimmed to her perfection
**
This woman is the archetypal adolescent
goddess, not a blood and guts woman who
smells of sweat and seduces by her biology
and not fantasy.

If the wowman is a fantasy, let the reader
know. She tends to her feminine 'areas'
by shaving-- so she is in tune with contem-
porary practices. She is 'trimmed' with
just the right amount of hair left.

That's nice.
**
As I hear my lady purr.
**
If she purrs she is a vixen and wants to be,
maybe, roughed-up a bit, not fiddled on.
**
In sexual explosion
We perch upon the bed,
Rise unto the wall
And bump our blushing heads.
**
I like this part, except 'blushing
heads' is awful characterization.

No couple engaged in this kind of rampage
will embarass easily.
**
And while the candles burn
Dimming down the room,
**
Egads!!!!
this is so syrupy I feel myself slidig
off my chair as I read.
**
We'll dance in fields of bliss
**
The ultimnate cliche.

fields of bliss ?????????
**
Perfected by our youth.
**
If possible that youth perfects,
love-making prowess stalls at age
18.
**
Then when all is calm
We'll lay ourselves to sleep,
To rest our needed rest
**
Come on-- put some meat in this poem.
I would guess you to be 16 years old.

Most youngsters are shattered after in-
tercourse-- all the smells and guilts.
The reality of the genitalia ...

In short,, this is a dishonest poem.
**
And meet up in our dreams.
**
Now, if all is a fantasy and the girl
is wreathed in mountain mists and you
are Siegfried in the Ring, maybe all
is ok.

I don't know though.

HH

[Bar22do]

To each each their own. ( Also the work I do is in rhyme, a sacrifice you have to make while doing that is well, rhyme. I did not bend the words anywhere in this either, the closest to that is bed and heads, but that was based from personal experience... And I really don't mind criticism but simply saying 'this is a bad poem' doesn't help it any, so next time you don't like something I do, give your exact reasons so I can grow from it other wise you just don't like it, and calling me out on your dislike for it seems rather juvenile. Let me note that I'm not upset that you don't like the poem, I'm irritated that you didn't get into details, and just stated it's bad. )

Thank you everyone else.

Ah Revolte, you are so correct to claim your right for a critique to be constructive and duly justified. But it may be that we all have still a lot to learn about HOW to express a judgment, an opinion, a critique... Litnet is a school for all.
It reminds me of a story of a little girl whose school teacher once showed the whole class how clumsy a "painter" she were. The next year, during art class, the same little girl left her page immaculate white while the new teacher, sensing what must have arrested her, took up her page and praised how subtly she painted the snow that had just fallen...

I myself found your rhymes spontaneous and fresh, your poem has a good rhythm, too. My only remark would be that


"We'll dance in fields of bliss" - should be in present tense, not in future.

So again - my "purr" here is one of satisfaction!!

[Revolte]

This is a bad poem for the reasons listed.
**
I feel myself in yearning
When I think of sleepless pact,
**
Two propositional verbs-- feel and
think-- are contradictory here.

The narrator yearns when he thinks--
yearning is visceral, not cognitive.

The poem starts poorly.
**
Made in silk and passion
**
How sweet,[I silk and passion.[/I]
cliches of the most sappy kind.

Sorry, but you wished for my reasons.
**
Formed from the fingers tracks.
**
sil and passion is 'formed from finger traces."
**
To kiss her softened skin
And brush against her fur,
Trimmed to her perfection
**
This woman is the archetypal adolescent
goddess, not a blood and guts woman who
smells of sweat and seduces by her biology
and not fantasy.

If the wowman is a fantasy, let the reader
know. She tends to her feminine 'areas'
by shaving-- so she is in tune with contem-
porary practices. She is 'trimmed' with
just the right amount of hair left.

That's nice.
**
As I hear my lady purr.
**
If she purrs she is a vixen and wants to be,
maybe, roughed-up a bit, not fiddled on.
**
In sexual explosion
We perch upon the bed,
Rise unto the wall
And bump our blushing heads.
**
I like this part, except 'blushing
heads' is awful characterization.

No couple engaged in this kind of rampage
will embarass easily.
**
And while the candles burn
Dimming down the room,
**
Egads!!!!
this is so syrupy I feel myself slidig
off my chair as I read.
**
We'll dance in fields of bliss
**
The ultimnate cliche.

fields of bliss ?????????
**
Perfected by our youth.
**
If possible that youth perfects,
love-making prowess stalls at age
18.
**
Then when all is calm
We'll lay ourselves to sleep,
To rest our needed rest
**
Come on-- put some meat in this poem.
I would guess you to be 16 years old.

Most youngsters are shattered after in-
tercourse-- all the smells and guilts.
The reality of the genitalia ...

In short,, this is a dishonest poem.
**
And meet up in our dreams.
**
Now, if all is a fantasy and the girl
is wreathed in mountain mists and you
are Siegfried in the Ring, maybe all
is ok.

I don't know though.

HH

I cant say i agree on you with everything, but thanks for at least giving your reasons.

Though some times people blush when they are turned on.

feel and think do not contridict. The thought gave him the feeling. Passion isn't a cliche for people who feel it, and I'm wearing silk as we speek. yeah love making does change with age, as the desire slims.

can you speek for all youngsters? I don't think so. How is 'fields of bliss' the ultimate cliche?

I think it would be best if we agree to disagree, but I do thank you for stating your reasons, even the flawd ones.

[Revolte]

Ah Revolte, you are so correct to claim your right for a critique to be constructive and duly justified. But it may be that we all have still a lot to learn about HOW to express a judgment, an opinion, a critique... Litnet is a school for all.
It reminds me of a story of a little girl whose school teacher once showed the whole class how clumsy a "painter" she were. The next year, during art class, the same little girl left her page immaculate white while the new teacher, sensing what must have arrested her, took up her page and praised how subtly she painted the snow that had just fallen...

I myself found your rhymes spontaneous and fresh, your poem has a good rhythm, too. My only remark would be that


"We'll dance in fields of bliss" - should be in present tense, not in future.

So again - my "purr" here is one of satisfaction!!


good point.

The present tense sounds better, thank you for that :)

[Hayseed Huck]

Dear Revolte,

I consider you a good person and one willing
to learn.

I will consider your objections as honest
seeking after.

I will counter by saying thought follows feeling
in most cases.

Feeling rarely follows thought. If feeling follows
thought, feeling gave rise to the thought.

We are not in control of our thoughts.

An experiment-- begin by thinking of a flower
garden by a river. Stay focused.

But before you know what happened your thoughts
have moved on to a pool hall in Minnesota and
then on to a college friend and then on archery
or mountain climbing.

This stream of consciousnes is controled by bi-
ology-- stomach, guts, lungs, disconfort in your
chair, smells from the kitchen, sounds of sirens,
your fingers brushing the upholstery of your lounge
chair.

Thinking is for the most part a fiction.

Oh well-- just what I gathered from my studies.

Ignore if you wish.

no harm done.

I have no ambition. No fish to fry. Bones to pick.
I have no need to have my ideas about writing
accepted, celebrated.

Also, I am kind.

HH

[Bar22do]

I've read only now the last post (later correction: not the last, two before the last, I see there was activity while I commented here and before I posted this) on this thread:

This is a bad poem for the reasons listed. THE CORRECT EXPRESSION HERE WOULD INCLUDE "IN MY OPINION", THERE IS NO MORE SUBJECTIVE THAN "BAD" "GOOD" ETC...
**
I feel myself in yearning
When I think of sleepless pact,
**
Two propositional verbs-- feel and
think-- are contradictory here. WHY? IS NOT THOUGHT AWAKING FEELINGS?

The narrator yearns when he thinks--
yearning is visceral, not cognitive. COGNITION CAN JOIN YEARNING. FELT YEARNING, THOUGHT PROVOKED, FOR INSTANCE.

The poem starts poorly.
**
Made in silk and passion
**
How sweet,[I silk and passion.[/I]
cliches of the most sappy kind. BUT WE ALL GO THROUGH IT, NEVERTHELESS!

Sorry, but you wished for my reasons.
**
Formed from the fingers tracks.
**
sil and passion is 'formed from finger traces."
**
To kiss her softened skin
And brush against her fur,
Trimmed to her perfection
**
This woman is the archetypal adolescent
goddess, not a blood and guts woman who
smells of sweat and seduces by her biology
and not fantasy. HERE THE GUY IS SEDUCED, WE DON'T KNOW WHETHER SHE SEDUCED HIM OR NOT. I SEE NOTHING WRONG WITH IDEALIZATIONS, AND NOT ONLY AT A VERY YOUNG AGE!!!

If the wowman is a fantasy, let the reader
know. She tends to her feminine 'areas'
by shaving-- so she is in tune with contem-
porary practices. She is 'trimmed' with
just the right amount of hair left. "TRIMMED TO HER PERFECTION" COULD ALSO READ THAT THE GUY DOES HIS UTMOST TO BE UP TO HER PERFECTION...

That's nice.
**
As I hear my lady purr.
**
If she purrs she is a vixen and wants to be,
maybe, roughed-up a bit, not fiddled on. HOW CAN ONE DECIDE...
**
In sexual explosion
We perch upon the bed,
Rise unto the wall
And bump our blushing heads.
**
I like this part, except 'blushing
heads' is awful characterization. I WONDER WHY, TO ME IT SEEMS PERFECTLY REAL IN THE SITUATION...

No couple engaged in this kind of rampage
will embarass easily. WELL, THEY RISE, BUMP, THE EMBRACE ESCAPES THEM FOR THE BENEFIT OF UNCONTROLLED MOVEMENTS AND PROGRESSIONS, QUITE "IN PLACE" AT THIS STAGE...
**
And while the candles burn
Dimming down the room,
**
Egads!!!!
this is so syrupy I feel myself slidig
off my chair as I read. OHO, IT SHOWS HOW DRAMATIC A PASSAGE IT IS :)
**
We'll dance in fields of bliss
**
The ultimnate cliche.

fields of bliss ????????? THE BLISS SPREADS, RADIATES, MAY CREATE A FIELD WITH IT FOR ITS CENTRE...
**
Perfected by our youth.
**
If possible that youth perfects,
love-making prowess stalls at age
18. OH! IF GENERALIZED, THAT WOULD BE SUCH DEVASTATING EPIDEMY...!
**
Then when all is calm
We'll lay ourselves to sleep,
To rest our needed rest
**
Come on-- put some meat in this poem.
I would guess you to be 16 years old.

Most youngsters are shattered after in-
tercourse-- all the smells and guilts.
The reality of the genitalia ... ANOTHER GENERALIZATION! BEWARE! I DISAGREE! ESPECIALLY ABOUT GUILTS! THE REALITY OF THE GENITALIA IS ONLY ONE, NARROW THOUGH POWERFUL INDEED, AN ASPECT.

In short,, this is a dishonest poem. I'M SORRY, BUT THIS IS AN UNFAIR STATEMENT!!!!
**
And meet up in our dreams. SWEET, TRUE, MOST YOUNGSTERS ARE DREAMERS AND IDEALISTS, EVEN UNDER THEIR HARSH APPEARANCE..
**
Now, if all is a fantasy and the girl
is wreathed in mountain mists and you
are Siegfried in the Ring, maybe all
is ok.

I don't know though. I DON'T KNOW EITHER, BUT PERHAPS IF YOU PUT ASIDE YOUR GLASSES YOU COULD READ REVOLTE'S SINCERE, SPONTANEOUS, RAW POEM IN A LITTLE DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE... JUST A THOUGHT, OR A SUGGESTION.

HH

[Revolte]

I rewrote it a bit and I'd love some new feed back. I'm not used to writing outside of politics, love, and dedication's so lust is a new venture for me.