Divorce

[The Comedian]

How has Divorce affected you? My parents divorced about 10 years ago. I'll post my thoughts here after a while when I have more time to do so.

[BienvenuJDC]

Ultimately my wife's parents divorce has effected outlooks in my marriage, but it hasn't directly impacted me. I'll share more as the discussion goes on.

[papayahed]

My parents have been divorced ever since I can remember. I can't tell you the effect because it's always been.

[OrphanPip]

My parents are still together, although sometimes I think they'd be better off divorced.

[JuniperWoolf]

My parents got divorced when I was in the sixth grade, and it went really well for me because I had two houses. I could always tell one that I was over at the other's when I didn't want them to actually know where I was. Also, my mom is pretty difficult to deal with. We (my brother and I) lived with her most of the time because she wanted us to, but whenever she'd get too much for me (she's pretty overbearing) I'd go over to my dad's where things are always nice and calm.

My parents fought all the time when they were married. Their personalities are so different, my mother is quite loud and in-your-face whereas my dad is quiet and sort of shy but tends to stress out over little things. When they split, everyone's lives became a lot easier. They didn't fight anymore. They didn't even go to court, they just decided that Rylen and I could go see our dad whenever we wanted to (he literally lives less than ten houses away from her) and dad would give mom $800/month until we came of age. They still even kinda love each other (in a very different way than romantically). For example, when my dad got into a very serious motorcycle accident that broke both of his femur bones and very nearly killed him, mom was the first one at the hospital (which is two hours away) and she didn't leave his side for weeks.

So that's my happy divorce story. Here's my sad one.

My dad re-married. God, that was a mistake. My dad is shy, and it's easy to take advantage of him. Overbearing, manipulative women are attracted to him. One of these was Louise. She was a woman from England, and she wanted kids. When she met my dad, she discovered that it was easy to get him to do what she wanted, so she made him marry her. My dad did not want any more babies. I was sixteen and Rylen was eleven, he didn't want anymore kids. They REALLY should have spoken about this BEFORE they got married, but they rushed into things. Lou thought she could change my dad's mind, but he wouldn't budge on the subject. Naturally, Lou did what any decent person would do if they were having a disagreement with their spouse: she publicly cheated on him, than took off back to England once the divorce was finalized.

So that messed my dad up A LOT. He was very depressed for an entire year, he didn't even hang out with his friends or play hockey. He was pretty hard on me too for a while, because he was so unhappy. He got over it though, and he's a lot better now.

[motherhubbard]

When I hear that someone is going through a divorce it makes me cry. I have not been divorced, but most of the people I went to school with have been. Also, several family members are divorced. I think it would be easier for one of the couple do die instead of leave.

[Aravona]

My parents got divourced when I was about 13 (year 9) and I knew exactly what was going on. Me and my sister stayed with my dad and now I live with him and his partner, because I can't afford a place right now. My mum re-married and everythings pretty ok.

[MarkBastable]

I think it would be easier for one of the couple to die instead of leave.

I'll suggest that to the wife.

[JuniperWoolf]

I think it would be easier for one of the couple do die instead of leave.

Easier on whom?

[motherhubbard]

Easier on whom?

The spouse who is built his/her entire life and future on a foundation that no longer exists. The children who wonder what they did, could have done, or why the parent didn’t love them enough to stay and make things work. Forever the family is broken. Joint custody means working out every weekend, every holiday, birthday, wedding, family reunion… And even if people don’t want to admit it, guilt and fear affecting how the children are parented. It is hard on the grown up, and it is hard on the children.

I think there are situations that people should leave, like abuse. But, I also think that most of these situations could be prevented if people were more careful about who they married.

[Niamh]

I'll suggest that to the wife.

:eek: Mark! Shame on you! :brow:

My sister and her husband have been separated for over two years now. you have to be legally separated four years before you can divorce over here. They were together fourteen years, married seven and he went off and had an affair with a woman ten years his junior. They have two kids and i think the eldest has taken it badly. He's a very sensitive kid.

[TheFifthElement]

Divorce made it possible for me to marry my husband, so on the whole I'd have to say it had a pretty positive effect on my life.

[Lokasenna]

To a large degree it depends upon the nature of the divorce. One of my best friend's parents divorced when he was five, but the seperation was completely amicable, and it didn't do him much harm. Both parents are remarried, and he gets on well with them, particularly his step-father; if anything, he's closer to him than his actual father. He's also been a great brother to the children his mother has had by her new husband. All in all, its been alright.

That said, I do know couples who have had a very nasty divorce, and frequently the children have been caught up in the mix of it, with unpleasent consequences.

[MarkBastable]

The spouse who is built his/her entire life and future on a foundation that no longer exists. The children who wonder what they did, could have done, or why the parent didn’t love them enough to stay and make things work. Forever the family is broken. Joint custody means working out every weekend, every holiday, birthday, wedding, family reunion… And even if people don’t want to admit it, guilt and fear affecting how the children are parented. It is hard on the grown up, and it is hard on the children.

All this is often - though not always - true. However, the choice is not that or loveliness. It's that or some other kind of hell. Generally, I think that the hell of unhappy people staying together is worse than the hell of unhappy people disentangling themselves.


But, I also think that most of these situations could be prevented if people were more careful about who they married.

Well, yeah. We need a system for that. Oh! How about living together for four or five years?

Then again, splitting up is always horrible, married or not. I guess we all walk down the aisle hoping that death will destroy our marriage before life does.

[MANICHAEAN]

My wife, to whom I am still legally married, I have been separated from for the last 20 years. I still support her, and in a way am still fond of her, but the marriage was a mistake & when the trust went, so did any chance of reconciliation.
Then I met my Filipina common in law wife (whose husband just upped & left her with 3 sons & 1 daughter) to start another family in Manila with a younger wife. So all of a sudden I became Dad to three grown up kids & am also now lolo (grandad) to 7 great grandkids.

Marriage is always a risk, especially when you are young & do not realise what it entails. I suppose I was lucky. It took nearly a lifetime to cross the road & meet the right woman. So many divorcees (both sexes), get bitter & dive prematurely into another relationship without properly looking at what went wrong with the previous one.

Did not Hemingway have a succession of wives? Inspiration or just difficult to live with?

[motherhubbard]

All this is often - though not always - true. However, the choice is not that or loveliness. It's that or some other kind of hell. Generally, I think that the hell of unhappy people staying together is worse than the hell of unhappy people disentangling themselves.


I believe that when two people are committed to the other's happiness above their own and are willing to do whatever is necessary to have a healthy marriage then it doesn't have to be hell. Every married person wakes up unhappy sometime, just like every person who is not married. I think “I want to be happy” is greatly over rated. If a person is counting on someone to make them feel happy marriage could be a really challenging experience. That's just my opinion. I do wish everyone was happy. I just think people can be a little selfish and childish about happiness.

[BienvenuJDC]

I believe that when two people are committed to the other's happiness above their own and are willing to do whatever is necessary to have a healthy marriage then it doesn't have to be hell. Every married person wakes up unhappy sometime, just like every person who is not married. I think “I want to be happy” is greatly over rated. If a person is counting on someone to make them feel happy marriage could be a really challenging experience. That's just my opinion. I do wish everyone was happy. I just think people can be a little selfish and childish about happiness.

DING DING DING....we have a winner!!

I concur completely!!

[MarkBastable]

I believe that when two people are committed to the other's happiness above their own and are willing to do whatever is necessary to have a healthy marriage then it doesn't have to be hell. Every married person wakes up unhappy sometime, just like every person who is not married. I think “I want to be happy” is greatly over rated. If a person is counting on someone to make them feel happy marriage could be a really challenging experience. That's just my opinion. I do wish everyone was happy. I just think people can be a little selfish and childish about happiness.


That's tantamount to saying "Once you've married someone, as long as you work at it, it'll work." But, as you pointed out in an earlier post, not everyone is as informed or as thoughtful as they might be when they first choose a partner - so some marriages are doomed to failure before they start. You may think that even those marriages can be made to work, but we'll have to agree to differ on that point.

And though I tend to agree with you that 'being happy' is not an inalienable human right (because if it were, most of us would have a case to take to the international courts), I do think that 'not feeling oppressed, frustrated, miserable, trapped, underappreciated and stripped of any autonomous expression of self every single day, and for the rest of one's life' probably is a fundamental right that most people should be able to take for granted.

I agree with you too that there are those who can be a little selfish about happiness. But it doesn't help necessarily to be selfless in a marriage, especially if only one party is doing it. What would you advise for a person who's following your advice, but whose partner isn't? "Just suck it up - you're the better person"?

Both of us would insist that marriage needs work, and should not be lightly entered into or easily tossed aside. The difference between us, I think, is that you believe that marriage is Such a Good Thing that the sustenance of the bond is more likely to benefit the adults and children involved than would a severance of that bond. Me, I think that if it's not working as a framework for increasing the happiness of the adults and the children involved, then it's likely to act as a machine for torturing those same people, which is going to cause immediate and long-term harm.

I speak, here, as one whose parents are still together after fifty years. I've been married for nine, and never previously divorced. The models in my life are strongly pro-marriage. But I know one thing for sure - there are people who should never, under any circumstances, get married. It's not suited to everyone. Trouble is, we are constantly told that, having fallen in love, what you do is get married. That's a conclusion drawn from a false corollary. Certainly you should not get married unless you are in love - but that doesn't mean you should get married because you are in love.

Perhaps as a society, we shouldn't recommend marriage so highly, or encourage people to aspire to it. Perhaps we should do the opposite, in fact. If marriage were broadly discouraged, there would be fewer entered into, and a higher proportion of success.

Then again, it's pointless my saying all this, as Bienvenu has already and unilaterally declared you the winner - though I'm not sure how he got that job, what was won or what your prize will be.

[Gladys]

I believe that when two people are committed to the other's happiness above their own and are willing to do whatever is necessary to have a healthy marriage then it doesn't have to be hell.

No one can always be happy but every one can commit to "the other's happiness" - the essence of love. Yet how common is it that "two people are committed to the other's happiness above their own"? More rarely I venture than commitment to maintaining the marriage or cooperation in practical marital duties.

Divorce, like the breaking of close friendship, is a tragic admission of human failure, a failure occurring well before formal divorce. I have seen my cousins divorce and, though for the best, they have sustained damage.

[Niamh]

I believe that when two people are committed to the other's happiness above their own and are willing to do whatever is necessary to have a healthy marriage then it doesn't have to be hell. Every married person wakes up unhappy sometime, just like every person who is not married. I think “I want to be happy” is greatly over rated. If a person is counting on someone to make them feel happy marriage could be a really challenging experience. That's just my opinion. I do wish everyone was happy. I just think people can be a little selfish and childish about happiness.

Thats very well said Mh.