i just couldn't do it

[xx_ayesha_x]

delete:crash:

[Hayseed Huck]

Hello,

Fine draft.

My quick advice goes to appearance and not content.

Think how 'white space' could help the reader.

Shorter lines.

paragraph breaks

One line paragraaphs and one word paragraphs

Regards,

HH

[xx_ayesha_x]

Hello,

Fine draft.

My quick advice goes to appearance and not content.

Think how 'white space' could help the reader.

Shorter lines.

paragraph breaks

One line paragraaphs and one word paragraphs

Regards,

HH


ah, when i copied and pasted it it took away all the paragraphs :( 1 word paragraphs??? when would i use them :)?

thank you

[Auriga]

There is a lot of potential in a story like this to really talk about the emotional impact of enduring a disease of this magnitude and the feeling of isolation and confusion when trying to tell friends and family.

A few things I would suggest trying to work on is being slightly less expletive. You are on the right track with this, but there are still moments in the story, especially the last couple of paragraphs where you pretty much just narrate the sequence of events without delving into the deeper emotions, where it feels a little distanced.

A good way to avoid those kinds of "info dumps", as they're sometimes called, is to break up the first person narrative of events into meaningful dialogue. For instance, you can try expanding on the dialogue between the girl and her doctor. Have her ask certain types of questions which reveal something fundamentally important about the story that you're trying to get across. I won't give examples, because that's your job, but that's just a stylistic approach that might improve the feel and the emotional quality of the piece.

Also, one thing that struck out on a purely vocabulary level is to try and avoid using too many adverbs like "sickly", "spontaneously", etc. Experiment with more colorful expressions. If you feel like the only way to get across the emotional state of a character in a single sentence is to use an adverb, then you need to probably re-think it and expand the emotion into two or three sentences. Getting insight into a characters psyche is never a bad thing, unless you're expressely trying to keep the reader at a distance, which I don't think is your intention with this piece of fiction.

[xx_ayesha_x]

Thank you :), yeah as i said The last couple of paragraphs are just guides for what i want to write... i havent finished writing it yet :D :D

[paradoxical]

Why did you delete your story? What you had was really pretty good. You have good skill as a writer, especially for someone your age. Try to stick with it and as the years go by, your talent will grow.

Also, I recommend using Notepad, as it will save your work in plain text. When using Word or WordPad, you will loose all your formatting when you copy and paste, either here or in an email, etc. With plain text, you know exactly how it will look.

[xx_ayesha_x]

Why did you delete your story? What you had was really pretty good. You have good skill as a writer, especially for someone your age. Try to stick with it and as the years go by, your talent will grow.

Also, I recommend using Notepad, as it will save your work in plain text. When using Word or WordPad, you will loose all your formatting when you copy and paste, either here or in an email, etc. With plain text, you know exactly how it will look.

Because i wanted to put it on when its finished instead :/

i dont know how to delete it properly though (N)