Why not?

[dizzydoll]

Dated: 26/04/2010. This little poem has been work in progress and fun doing so. Its quite different from the original which Blaze put into quotes or the final attempt as per my last revised comment.

Re-edited: Why not?

If eyes could talk
they’d tell more truth
than ears can bear to hear

If smell could attract
real soon it would detect
there's no better way to mate

If touch could feel
it would seek to lure
your soul, to swiftly steal

If mouth could savor
those taste buds of love
there'd be no desire to waste


This poem is about our 5 senses -- sight, sound, smell, touch, taste -- In fact the first stanza just popped into my mind, from nowhere... the words were just there so I wrote them down and this is how the poem came to life.

..

Just simply messing around again. lol :willy_nilly:
I'd appreciate any suggestions.

[PrinceMyshkin]

This is light but telling. My only beef is that it felt as if it were building up to something more dramatic than that last stanza. Frankly I didn't understand what was being wasted because "mouth" couldn't savour a taste for success, nor indeed what "success" would consist of it mouth could perform.

[Hawkman]

Why not, indeed...

Not sure I understand it but it's good fun. My favourite is the first stanza, which seems to have the most to say, without a single wasted syllable.

H

[blazeofglory]

If eyes could talk
they’d tell more truth
than ears can bear to hear

If touch could feel
it would devise a way
to swiftly steal it all

If smell could create
it would soon detect
no better way to mate

If mouth could savour
a taste for success
there’d simply be no waste

..

Just simply messing around again. lol :willy_nilly:
I'd appreciate any suggestions.

I love the poem and this exactly expressed the thing I always feel in fact. Of course body language must replace our words and sentences, and of course when we put our thoughts into words mos of what go inside us get censored and when we speak or write our words do not carry us the way we are.

I really deeply like this idea and mirrors my philosophy of life, that is to go to our natural state beyond the confines social and moral values

[dizzydoll]

Thanks for commenting guys. Let me start by saying, the first stanza just came into my head, from nowhere. ... just there.

I then looked at those few words and immediately my mind went to the five senses, sight, sound, smell, touch, taste. And then I just threw a few thoughts together. [Actually there is a sixth sense, its called intuition but decided against including it]

So then I threw a few words together, with the 5 senses in mind. The sentences are actually incomplete and I am not even sure if thats allowed in poetry. I will add words in brackets to show completion of thought.

If eyes could talk
they’d tell more truth
than ears can bear to hear

If touch could feel [emotion]
it would devise a way
to swiftly steal it all [love]

If smell could create [procreate]
it would soon detect
no better way to mate [animal nature]

If mouth [drool] could savour [slowly enjoy]
a taste for success [love could fit here, but success covers everything.. sports, business, love, discovery]
btw. I thought "a taste for success" was almost a cliche
there’d simply be no waste [of time]

Perhaps this looks better:
If mouth could savour
a taste for love
there’d simply be no waste [of time]

..

Anyway I was just having fun with thoughts... change it as you see fit, I'll accept. :D

I liked the way you expressed your appreciation Blaze, it goes to the Tao or Vedic doesnt it?

Thanks a lot again to all., I appreciate it. :hurray:

[Hayseed Huck]

A little bird told me what I have to say
about your poem will be welcome.

so ...
**

If eyes could talk
they’d tell more truth
than ears can bear to hear
**
The poem's structure is set in ordinary
conditional form--

If eyes could talk; then, they'd tell...

(I might mention here, that the ordinary conditional
is quite different from the logical conditional, al-
though thr logical conditional seems not logical at
all.

Example of the logical conditional, "If eyes could
talk; then, Canada is north of the United States."

Sounds silly, but that's what it is. It's all a matter
of what is known as the 'truth tables.'

Back to your ordinary conditional... which, after de-
fining the logical conditional, we must all agree that
poetry can turn a ordinary conditional into a logical
one.

Your 'If eyes could talk, they'd tell more truth than
ears can bear to hear,' is a jumble in synesthesia, the
trope synesthesia being common in poetry.

But the way you give the exchange-- eyes talk to ears
in such pathos that the ears cringe-- is very clever
and very good. Now the reader begins to feel an emotion,
an emotion not yet named.
**
If touch could feel
it would devise a way
to swiftly steal it all
**
Now, all synesthesia is gone, because touch is feeling.
But wait-- 'feeling' is ambiguous. Feeling as emotion,
and feeling as running fingers over sandpaper. If the
first, synesthesia is retained.

"steal it all.'

Steal what?
**
If smell could create
it would soon detect
no better way to mate
**
Hooray, smell is everything. If smell 'could' create,
it wouldn't for the reason it's perfect as it is.

Dandy!
**
If mouth could savour
a taste for love
there’d simply be no waste
**
Of course, all we have in this poem is 'idea.'

Allow my rewrite to turn your ideas into things,
into objects.
**
Let me have those gumdrops
after you bite down and chew.
I wanna taste the licorice,
the lime, the cherry of you.

And I see you have left your spit
upon that peppermint stick--
I'll let you ride my bike
if I can have a lick.
**
I hope this helps ...

HH

[lallison]

Loved the first stanza, but you lost me after that.

[dizzydoll]

Thanks lallison and Huck. Cant say I understand what Huck means but this is how I have changed it. Perhaps it's prose instead of poetry:

Revised: Why not?

If eyes could talk
they’d tell more truth
than ears can bear to hear

If touch could feel
it would seek to lure
and swiftly steal your soul

If smell could attract
it would soon detect
no better way to mate

If mouth could savour
it'd taste your love
with no desire to waste

:smile5: