Madness

[anzki4]

Madness

My head is pitch black.
Slowly my thoughts go away.
In my mind, there is a gap,
where my sense is flowing to eternity`s veil.
And sends it to hell, with mail.

My mind is full of worms,
slowly eating my brain.
To pieces my mind will be torn.
These worms grow like a grain,
but my love, they can never gain.

These worms make love with the rabbits,
that are kicking my brain from inside.
They smoke, and have more bad habits.
I wish I could cast them aside.
Because I think they break out tonight.

I can`t stand more of it.
Sooner or later I fall.
Chewing my mind, bit by bit.
These worms are getting too tall.
Perhaps it`s time, to shoot them all...


Critic is always welcome.

EDIT: Sorry about posting two poems at the same day in different thread.

[Bar22do]

oh boy, shoot the worms as long as decision is still your option!! When you write - avoid obvious/forced rhymes, or repetitions, build your poem, trim it, throw away the unnecessary - so - good luck with the revision (after you shot them all)!

[Il Dante]

It's interesting that you say the worms are in your "mind" and are eating your "mind" rather than the brain. I'm not sure I understand, but it is quite interesting.


When you write - avoid obvious/forced rhymes, or repetitions, build your poem, trim it, throw away the unnecessary

This is very good advice for all poets and aspiring poets (I include myself here). Sometimes even poets who are considered great construct obvious/forced rhymes; e.g. Charles Algernon Swineburn and his "The Garden of Prosepine." So that's something to look out for.

[anzki4]

oh boy, shoot the worms as long as decision is still your option!! When you write - avoid obvious/forced rhymes, or repetitions, build your poem, trim it, throw away the unnecessary - so - good luck with the revision (after you shot them all)!

Thank you for advice, except I think I`m not very able to write poems -Or do anything else for that matter- after I`ve shot those worms. :)


It's interesting that you say the worms are in your "mind" and are eating your "mind" rather than the brain. I'm not sure I understand, but it is quite interesting.

Read the title again :)

[Bar22do]

Thank you for advice, except I think I`m not very able to write poems -Or do anything else for that matter- after I`ve shot those worms. :)



Read the title again :)


Hey Hey, Anzki, you're far from madness, just shoot the one bad worm that tells you you cannot write poems - the very fact you did write proves you have a potential - just use some patience, read a lot and - go on and trust yourself -all the rest is work. And I understand someone at school has not much time to devote to pleasures such as poetry. I admire whoever attempts to write and whatever the results! Therefore I admire you too. You seemed to ask for guidance and I provided the little I'm able. And it is only my approach. Everyone will give you another feedback, and all of them together will build your own, very own way.
Very best regards to you, young poet and fine human being!!! Bar

[anzki4]

Hey Hey, Anzki, you're far from madness, just shoot the one bad worm that tells you you cannot write poems - the very fact you did write proves you have a potential - just use some patience, read a lot and - go on and trust yourself -all the rest is work. And I understand someone at school has not much time to devote to pleasures such as poetry. I admire whoever attempts to write and whatever the results! Therefore I admire you too. You seemed to ask for guidance and I provided the little I'm able. And it is only my approach. Everyone will give you another feedback, and all of them together will build your own, very own way.
Very best regards to you, young poet and fine human being!!! Bar

Well actually I meant I can`t write poetry -or do nothing- IF(!) I shoot the worms. (That are in my head. :) ) Sorry if that was a bit unclear.
In simple way, what happens if I shoot worms that are INSIDE my head?
:)

[Buh4Bee]

I think Bar gave the best advice. The rhyming was actually distracting to me. I'm not sure if I totally understand the analogy of the words eating your mind/brains. I think there is a lot more you can better articulate if you try to rewrite it a bit.

I know I sometimes post poems when they are not quite done, because I am very excited about them. Maybe you felt this way, bit it may need a little more tweaking until it is "finish".

[anzki4]

I think Bar gave the best advice. The rhyming was actually distracting to me. I'm not sure if I totally understand the analogy of the words eating your mind/brains. I think there is a lot more you can better articulate if you try to rewrite it a bit.

I know I sometimes post poems when they are not quite done, because I am very excited about them. Maybe you felt this way, bit it may need a little more tweaking until it is "finish".

You mean "worms" not "words" probably. And for this poem, there is no analogy. That`s why it`s called Madness. :) And thank you for your advice to follow Bar`s advice :)