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Steven Hunley
04-07-2010, 12:31 AM
The Road of Death
(El Camino del Muerte)
By
Steven Hunley

When the DEA left with the prisoners in back of the truck it was temprano en la manana-still dark.
Their plan was to take them to a lock-up in the capital, La Paz where, unlike in Santa Cruz, the officials could not be bribed. It was probably a mistake. The only way there was by a single road named El Camino del Muerte that wound its way up, into the Eastern Cordillera or Cordillera Oriental of the Andes and was called that simply because it was a treacherous single-lane tract, with many switch-backs, at times steep, and many buses of Indians had gone down there and fell over its edge into the canyons, which were common, as the altitude climbed from sea-level in the yungas, or flat lands, to fourteen thousand feet near La Paz. It had a reputation for danger. On this day it would keep its reputation… in spades.
As they pulled out of town the forest began to surround the road. It was cool and still early. An hour later the dew was still on the grass, and the leaves, and the steel barrels of the AKs held by the primos (or cousins) of the two brothers in the truck. They'd secreted themselves in the forest. Hugo had seen to that. Dude knew nothing about this. He was only along for the ride and handcuffed to the other two for crimes of his own, they jostled and bumped along the road in the back of the truck. On the truck rolled, deeper and deeper into the gaping mouth of the forest. There would be no arrival at the capital and no turning back on this trip. Yet there would be a stop.
A tree had fallen across the road. One agent stepped down to inspect.
“We’ll just use the winch and pull it aside,” he told the other who remained in the cab.
“It’s OK,” the second one answered, “we’ve got all day.”
Then the first one went to the trunk of the tree to take a closer look.
When the agent came to the trunk he didn’t see a break or an uprooting. He saw it had been cut.
He noticed the forest gone quiet, quiet silent as a tomb.
When he considered both the quiet and cut he knew he was dead.
A shot rang out of the shadows proclaiming liberty. The other barrels grew so hot it turned the dew to steam. The prisoners regained their freedom and along with the gunmen gained the safety of the forest. Their laughter was soon muffled by the leaves and the creepers and lianas, and the clearing went silent save for the drip drip dripping of scarlet death as it stained the fallen leaves.
A day later Dude left town for good, his only souvenir of the incident the cuff marks on his wrists.
“Vaya con Dios,” Hugo had told him. Before when he heard it, it only meant goodbye. From Hugo it meant, “Go with God.”

CMM
04-08-2010, 11:52 AM
That was a creepy story! I really like how you wrote certain phrases in another language.

A couple of things though; "The only way there was by a single road named El Camino del Muerte that wound its way up, into the Eastern Cordillera or Cordillera Oriental of the Andes and was called that simply because it was a treacherous single-lane tract, with many switch-backs, at times steep, and many buses of Indians had gone down there and fell over its edge into the canyons, which were common, as the altitude climbed from sea-level in the yungas, or flat lands, to fourteen thousand feet near La Paz." - that's a really long sentence, especially when it's juxtaposed against a lot of other smaller sentences. Maybe you're able to break it up in to two or three smaller sentences that help build the suspense further?

"But then the first one went to the trunk of the tree to take a closer look.
When the agent came to the trunk he didn’t see a break or an uprooting. He saw it had been cut." - This kind of throws me off a bit; it conjures up imagery of someone telling a ghost story around a fire and trying to sound scary by starting the sentence with a loud "but!". However that's just my opinion, although I hope you can see what I mean about the imagery generated through the sentence structure?

Captain Pike
04-08-2010, 03:02 PM
As for me, I could hear the monkeys in the trees. I knew the log spelled trouble before this truck stopped.
I always wanted to fly a fully payloaded DC 3 back, just one time, low over the treetops, back to America... sheesh, I guess there is a little, "Sendero Luminoso", in all of us.

Steven Hunley
04-08-2010, 05:36 PM
The sentence is the longest one I've ever written. It has about 89 words, and as you say is extremely long. I think I'll keep it that way though, as it fits the description of a long road. Siily me. On the other hand i will take your advice about the "But" You have more than a valid point here. I'll revise it.
And Captain, me too. There's a little in us all. Clever guy, you saw the roadblock coming. Too bad for them they didn't. A friend helped me with the Spanish, mine was quite rusty.

Nikhar
04-09-2010, 09:05 AM
Really enjoyed it. Few of the sentences were awesum. Specially this description bit.


Their laughter was soon muffled by the leaves and the creepers and lianas, and the clearing went silent save for the drip drip dripping of scarlet death as it stained the fallen leaves.

Steven Hunley
04-09-2010, 10:06 AM
Thanks Nikkar,
Here's a thought. Could I call them "scarlet drops of death as they stained..." ? I don't want to go too far with this one, but it's a thought. Or even "scarlet death drops"... Any further thoughts?

Rores28
04-09-2010, 11:23 AM
Thanks Nikkar,
Here's a thought. Could I call them "scarlet drops of death as they stained..." ? I don't want to go too far with this one, but it's a thought. Or even "scarlet death drops"... Any further thoughts?

No the sentence is better as it is now. The word drip already paints the image of drops of blood. I would actually remove drip drip dripping and just say drip. I think this gives the sentence a certain starkness that fits better with the picture it conveys. This is a case where less is more

CMM
04-10-2010, 02:56 PM
I enjoyed the "drip drip dripping"! An homage to 'A Clockwork Orange', I'm assuming?

Steven Hunley
04-10-2010, 03:05 PM
Anthony Burgess certainly knew something about the English language and I like Malcolm McDowell too, and love the Movie, always have, with its ."Me Little Droogies and Ultra-violence."