SilentLove
04-07-2010, 12:08 AM
To preface this, I just want to let you be aware that this is a gay romance story, and if that's not your thing, feel free to go back. But I hope someone will get something out of this. I'm not posting the entire story; however, if there's demand, I'll happily post it. Please give lots of feed back :) enjoy.
It's early and a nerve wrecking first day of school. I've already been through two years of this high school mess and now I am one rung higher on the ladder, a junior. Life will continue on as it always has for me, being rather uneventful and keeping to myself through the year. Being a quiet kid in high school is close to a crime, and all who are convicted are sentenced to be exiled from everyone else, so that's where I am, excommunicated. For me the day goes like this : try and stay awake in school in the corner of the classroom and ignore people who talk to me, they are, after all, just trying to make fun of me.
I had little hopes of this year having any type of change or variation and I was prepared to be my nonsocial self once again while censoring who I am to the world. I looked down at my watch, 7:15 I better get going. Mom hopped in the car and I got in the passenger side, as usual it was a silent trip to school with any attempts at conversation withering away into silence. After 10 minutes of driving we arrived to the car rider section and I got out as mom said "Have a good first day," yeah, that'll happen. I slung my backpack across my back and started in, I already knew where my locker was and I just had to go to find out where my classes were. I pulled out my schedule: 1st hour Physics, room 47, boy what fun. I casually walked to the science hall and peered into the class room. It was pretty uniform as far as class rooms go and rather empty, except for the one boy sitting at a table looking up at me. I looked down and walked off with no direction. I hated when people stared, it usually radiated disapproval but oddly, this boy was more curious. I didn't recognize him, he must be new or he would of learned that I am an outcast and his gaze would follow the rest of the worlds. I looked down at my schedule to see my next period class. "Hey you've got the next three classes with me," he said smiling. "wahh?"
I jumped back in surprise, it was the same boy at the table. "I was hoping you could show me around, I'm new here and this place can get confusing" he said sincerely. I looked at him for a moment, he had blonde hair down to his eyes with an athletic figure and big brown eyes. "I'm sure there are better people to help you..." I muttered, looking down. He looked disappointed which confused me. "Oh, well uh..alright" he said defeated. I sighed, "Alright, what's your second class," I said while rolling my eyes. "Same as yours," he beamed "American History". "Great, follow me," I said lowly. I took the lead expecting him just to follow and be done with it, I'd already talked more in these few minutes than I usually do all year. He quickly walked up next to me smiling and said "This place seems pretty cool, I already met my first period teacher and he seemed nice," I just looked over at him as my response then looked back ahead. He slightly frowned but didn't falter, "You don't talk much you know that?" he was smiling at me again. "I'm not exactly the social type, let's hurry up and get this done." "I used to live in Michigan" he tried to start conversation again "But I think I'm going to like it down here." "Why? This place sucks." "Why do you say that?" he said seemingly caring. I just looked at him and said nothing, he'd learn sooner or later this place is the most boring place on earth. "Here we are, American History, room 10, have a great day," I turned to leave. "Wait," he said while grabbing my hand, he let go catching himself and blushing " I just, you haven't showed me the rest of my classes yet." "You'll manage" I grunted, feeling kinda weird about the whole grabbing my hand thing. He looked at the floor sadly "I thought we were becoming friends..." allowing his voice to trail off. "I don't have any friends" I shot back. He didn't know what to say and just stood there awkwardly. I walked off nonchalantly in the direction of my first period class to escape this new kids grasp of optimism.
The first get-to-class bell rang and students began to filter into their seats in physics. I sat at my table alone, hoping it'd be that way all year so I wouldn't be bothered by any jerks hoping to make fun of me. I saw the kid I talked to earlier walk in and scan the room. "Oh God no," I thought in my mind "don't let him find me," I put my head down. He smiled, quickly walked over, and plopped down in the chair next to me. "Hiya," he said, his optimism on full blast. I lifted my head and looked at him with firm rejection. It went undeterred. "I can help you with whatever work you have in here," he was trying to make up for the inconvenience of him sitting there. "I'll do fine," I said dully. "Why doesn't this kid leave me alone" I questioned in my mind, I shouldn't have even talked to him to begin with. "What's your name," he asked, "sorry I didn't get it earlier". "Ryan" I said without looking at him. "Mine's Jake" he smiled. He chatted to me the whole period about his life in Michigan, his favorite foods, vacations and other useless conversation I was forced to listen to; I simply nodded when I had to and said nothing. I noticed several girls looking at Jake, he is attractive. It was getting close to time to go. "You know those girls are checking you out, right?" I asked trying to get him interested in something that wasn't me. He shrugged as if he didn't care much. What's this guys deal, I thought for sure that'd work, I thought.
The bell rung and everyone shuffled out of the room and strolled to their next period class. I walked slowly to my next class and sat down in the corner of the class room, passing Jake on the way in. He must of been waiting for me because he was standing up when I walked in and set down beside me. "Why can't you just leave me alone huh, I didn't ask for this; go bother someone else!" I raged. "Oh..." he looked down flushed and hurt. " I guess I'll uh...just go then..." he got up and walked and sat down a few seats away. I had hurt him with my outburst and it showed. What had I done, the only person that was nice to me and had actually wanted to be friends I pushed away and been a jerk to. Jake put his head down and his blonde hair hid his face from the rest of us. I didn't move or say anything, I thought now my year might finally go to normal.
I arrived at my third period class, Spanish. Jake told me earlier we had the first three classes together and I was expecting him to walk be in waiting for me like last time. I didn't see him and even when the tardy bell rang he didn't show up. A few minutes passed and there was a knock on the door. The teacher walked over to the door and opened it slowly. A meek Jake appeared in the door frowning and seemingly lost. The teacher thundered "You're late, are you Jake Selver?" "Yes ma'am," he uttered weakly. "This will count against you," the teacher said angrily. "I-I'm sorry..I'm new here and.." "Save it, take a seat," she ordered. He looked down and walked to a seat far from where I was sitting without even a glance to me. Guilt consumed me. It was my fault he was late, I had abandoned him and we both knew it. I was becoming the jerk that I had resented all these years and Jake did not deserve that. I got up and walked over next to Jake. He didn't even look up at me. "Listen..." I started. "It's okay, I know you don't wanna be my friend, I know." He started to get up to move. I quickly got up and grabbed his hand to stop him. "Please, I'm sorry". He turned and looked at me, our hands were still together. The teacher turned and yelled "Ryan, Jake, sit down!!" We both blushed, now the center of attention, and set down. Our hands pulled apart slowly and I had this weird feeling swell inside me. He looked over at me and I looked back. What is this feeling, my head felt light and my heart was beating 5 times faster than normal. His brown eyes seemed endless, and I was soon lost within them. The teachers cry for attention slapped me out of my trance and I turned my head back towards the front. There was something different about Jake than anyone else I'd ever met. Jake and me didn't say another word the whole period out of awkwardness and fear of the teacher lashing out on us. The bell rang and we both got up to leave. "What's your next class?" I asked fearing he'd be late to his next period as well. "Creative Writing," he said solemnly looking at me. Everyone else had cleared out for lunch, including the teacher. "That's up this hall and the first door on your..." he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine sliding his hand onto my hip. By instinct and utter surprise, I pushed him off, hard. Jake fell back onto a desk and looked up at me with fear in his eyes. "Jake wai-" No longer than the beginning of the word wait Jake had already sprinted out the door. "What just happened?" the question echoed in my mind. My heart was pounding, my face was red and my stomach felt like a swarm of butterflies had just taken flight.
I'd been attracted to guys all my life, I was gay, I knew that and it was mainly the reason I failed to socialize. I hadn't told a soul in my life, I don't need anyone judging me, especially in this small ignorant town. Is Jake gay too? Does he like me? My eyes filled with tears, I just hurt Jake...and truth be told I thought he was cute the moment i saw him in physics. Jake just left himself open to me...on the first damn day of school! "I have to find him."
I walked into the lunch room, my body coursing with a cocktail of anger, joy, and sadness. I scanned the lunch room for Jake, nothing. "Damn it where is he!" I yelled in frustration. "You will not use that kind of language in my lunch room Ryan Henlin!" a lunch monitor rang out next to me. "You'll live" I muttered back. Mr. Pellin glared at me debating on punishing me or letting me walk free this time; I didn't intend on giving him more time to decide so I walked to a booth and sat down. I kept looking around, he had to be around somewhere... after a few minutes of waiting I got up and walked in line for food, giving me a better view of the lunch room. I wasn't even close to being hungry, not after that. Mid-way in line I spotted Jake walk in the back door with his head down and sit at the nearest empty table. He crossed his arms on top of the table and laid his head down allowing his blonde hair to fall around his face. I pushed a strand of brown hair out of my eyes and made my way over leaving my tray half-way filled with food at the line.
I sat down at the table and Jake kept his head down. "Listen.." "Go away," he said quietly. " I just wanna.." That's when he lifted his head and looked at me. His eyes were blood shot and it was obvious he had been crying. I stopped myself short. I felt horrible and guilty like I had when he came in late for 3rd. I couldn't blame him for not wanting me around, all I had been to him is a jerk. I gently took Jake's hand into mine, he quickly pulled back. I got up and sat down on the side of the booth Jake was on, I was not giving up. He didn't seem to notice, he just turned his head the other direction towards the wall. I snuggled up next to him, if anyone was watching I didn't give a damn. "Jake, I'm gay." I whispered. "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life and.." he turned to look at me awaiting the next words. "And, I'd uhh I wanna b-be your boyfriend." I stumbled.
Jake just looked at me unmoving. The lunch bell rang, the one thing I feared most would happen, besides rejection. Jake got out on the other side of the booth and started walking out. I quickly got out on my side and ran after him. I struggled through the crowd not taking my eyes off of him for a second. "Why's he so damn fast" I thought angrily, my language tends to spin out of control when I'm emotional. After a while of snaking through the crowd and ticking some people off, I got behind Jake. I took his right hand and stopped him, he whirled around in response, his blonde hair falling into his face. I got closer to him, brushed his hair out of his face pressed my lips to his. He put his hand on my face and kissed back. For a moment in time we were suspended in space together, nothing mattered. He wrapped his other arm around me and I put mine around his neck. A kid bumped into us on purpose and yelled "faggots!". It was a rude awakening back to the real, hateful world. We pulled our heads apart but kept holding each other; and so our relationship began.
I then took his hand and led him to his next period, which sadly he didn't have with me. "Stay here and I'll take you to your next hour too kay?" He smiled and said okay. He leaned forward and kissed me swiftly and walked in the door. My heart was pounding, it felt so surreal to me. I had to be the luckiest guy on this planet, and the happiest. The next period I couldn't concentrate, all I could think about was Jake and how much I wanted to be with him. I didn't even get the teachers name in Art, drawing was never my strong suit anyway. I rushed back to Jake after the period and found him waiting outside the door. "Hey you," I called smiling. He smiled the same sweet smile he had when I first met him, it was the most beautiful smile a person could witness. I took his hand and he snuggled up next to me. "Where to?" I asked nuzzling the side of his head with mine. "English," he replied. We walked down the hall together getting looks from everyone. A teacher stopped us. "No Public display of affection!" his punishing voice bellowed. "It says in the agenda we can hold hands." I shot back. "That's for boys and girls only," he kept his voice loud. "I didn't see that in the agenda," I glared and said nonchalantly, then pulled on Jake's hand gently to motion that we should keep walking. That was one thing I had done last period, I'd read up in the agenda about PDA. By Kentucky state law they were mandated that they couldn't discriminate gay couples, but teachers own values often overruled the state laws were often ignored. The teacher who had stopped us couldn't think of anything more to say and angrily allowed us to walk away, still holding hands.
After getting Jake to English he handed me a note he had written in his 4th period class. I took it and looked up at him "What's it about?" I asked. "Just read it" he winked at me and went into class. I smiled at him being all mysterious. I hurried to my class and I opened the note quickly. It read "Dear Ryan, I still haven't answered your question have I? :P I'd love to be your boyfriend and we have lots to talk about later hun. Is it okay if I call you hun? Well the teacher is handing out work packets, woohoo. All I'll be doing is thinking of you anyway. P.S. Be sure to meet me after school today! Love, Jake."
The note made me smile, was it wrong I already was so attached to this guy so fast? Should I be taking it slow? I hoped that after school we could talk and maybe he could come over. My mom doesn't have to know anything, she'll just be happy I made a friend and say " I told you that you could make friends!" and embarrass me. Pre-Cal class flew by with my mind undivided on Jake. I thought of all the things we could do together and how happy we'd be together. Finally, life didn't seem too bad.
After the last bell of the day rang, I bolted out the door to find my boyfriend. He was standing outside his last period class, looking cute as he always did. I walked up to him "Hey," I smiled. "Hey back," he smiled back. "Do you think you can come over to my house or is it too early for that?.." I said quickly, the last thing I wanted to do was make him uncomfortable. "I'll have to talk it over with my mom, but I'd love to." his smile got wider. How could anyone have a smile so cute? It didn't seem possible. "Alright, cool," I said casually trying to hold back my joy and avoid looking lame.
"Have you told your mom about you being?.." I asked not wanting to say the rest out loud in the middle of the hall. "I'm bi actually but I prefer guys mainly," he laughed, "but no I haven't told her, not sure how'd she take it." "Same here," I smiled. "So are you gay or bi?" he asked nonchalantly. "Can we talk about all this when we get to my house? We're kinda in the middle of..." I looked around with my eyes to finish my sentence. He laughed again "Sure hun, will your mom be home?" he asked. "No, she doesn't get home until around 6 when she gets off work." "Alright cool," Alex said looking at me.
Alex pulled out his cell phone and called his mom at home. He talked to her telling her that he made a new friend and wanted to go to his house for a while; he winked at me during the conversation, I just smiled back. After a minute of talking, Jake got off the phone and said she was fine with it. "Do you care that I'll be driving us there?" I asked. "Nah, thats fine."
We walked out into the student parking lot together talking about our classes and how great this year would be together. We eventually made it over to my Jetta Volkswagen and he jumped in the passenger seat and I got in the driver's side. I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek and fastened my seat belt. He just smiled contently and started playing with the stereo trying to find a station he liked. He stopped it on 96.1, playing "Six Feet Under the Stars" by All Time Low. I love that song. We pulled out of the parking lot and started down the road together, I was beginning to get nervous. What if he thought my home was too small or my room was too messy or he didn't like cats, the list of things to go wrong were endless. We pulled up in my driveway to my one story three bedroom , one and a half bathroom house. It was average by standards but nothing luxurious.
"Nice place," he said looking over the yellow siding and green window shutters. "Thanks," I smiled, relieved. We got out of the car, locking it behind us and made our way inside. Jake was at least nice enough to pretend he liked my house if he didn't like it at all. I gave him a small tour showing him my older brother's room who is now in college, the kitchen, my mothers room and my room. He walked observing it quietly, but a lot of times I found him observing me instead, making me smile. After the tour was over we headed into my room and got on my bed and started talking.
"Still haven't answered my question," he said sticking his tongue out at me and inching closer. "I'm gay, I've never really been attracted to a girl before," I said truthfully. "Ever been with a guy before?" He asked still getting closer. "No, you're my first boyfriend, have you?" I responded. "I had a few back in Michigan" he said putting his hand on my leg. As much as I loved the attention I was slightly worried it might get out of hand. "So how does your mom not know?" I asked. "We mainly did what we are doing now, she just thought we were friends and that was it," he began moving his hand up my leg. I scooted back some getting uncomfortable. He frowned.
"Something wrong baby?" he said getting close again. "I just, are you wanting to do something?.." I said stumbling over a few of my words. "I just thought we'd get to know each other better," he winked and put his hands on my chest and began sliding them down. "H-Hey listen, we really d-don't know each other well enough Jake." My voice was trembling and shaky. "Aw c'mon hun, don't worry I know what I'm doing, it's not my first time." His hands were lifting up my shirt. I got up off the bed. "Jake I can't, it's not that I don't want this, I just can't. It's too early. I hope you understand." I looked down feeling selfish for not giving Jake what he wanted but also scared. "C'mon" He said getting up off the bed and coming towards me, "it'll be fun I promise." "Jake please not this early" I pleaded. "Just lay down" Jake said lustfully. "I said no Jake, I'm sorry." "This is what relationships are made for, do it."He said angrily. I stared at Jake. All this time he had been wanting to get me alone and thought I'd go along with whatever he wanted. "They are for love, Jake, please can we just forget this happened and watch T.V. or something." "Do this for me or we're over" Jake announced growing increasingly furious. Tears welled up in my eyes and began streaming down my face. All I wanted was for someone to love me, and all he wanted was sex. He walked over to me and yelled "You're such a baby,". His arm came up and slapped me across the face. The ground rushed up to meet my head and Jake stormed out of the house. My face was stinging red and I began sobbing on the ground with my head in my hands.
I don't remember how long I had remained on the ground crying, I just remember hearing the door swing open and mom cry out "I'm home!". I jumped up in absolute panic; I couldn't let my mom see me like this, there was no way I could explain. I quickly threw a blanket over the damp spot where I had been crying on the carpet and wiped my face, trying to reestablish my emotions. She walked into my room and found me on my bed reading a book casually, it was the closest thing to me I could grab. "Hey, it's nice to see you reading! Hopefully this year you'll try harder," She was right, I never read, especially for school. She looked at me "Hey, why is your eyes all red? Have you been cr-" "No, just some allergies to the plants in my science class," I lied quickly. She looked at me with a look only mothers can give, debating if she thought my response was truthful or not. "Alright, be sure to take some allergy medicine before school tomorrow and inform your science teacher," "Alright," I muttered wanting to end the conversation quickly. "Clean your room, it's a mess," she said while leaving my room. I mumbled in response and put the book down when she left, it was To Kill a Mockingbird, nothing interesting.
This was by far the worst first day of school in my entire life. I was so excited that I had finally met someone, not only that but I made a boyfriend. For a few hours of my life, I was truly happy. Now I was completely miserable. What if he told everyone at school I'm gay? What if he doesn't care and says that we did have sex? I let him into my heart so fast and he left just as quickly as he had come in. Never again would I let anyone get to me like that, never. I just hoped life would go back to normal and I could be alone again. That's all I wanted. I got up off my bed and went into the kitchen to get something to drink. I swung open the door of the large metallic refrigerator and scanned the contents looking for something that could help me calm down. I swiftly grabbed a sprite from the interior and set it on the counter.
After filling a cup to the brim with the fizzy drink I went and sat down on the couch and covered up with a small quilt, cup in hand. I turned on the T.V. and found the news channel showing the death and rape of a woman; the news always depressed me, why couldn't they ever have something happy for once? I flipped the channel to Disney and found The Suite Life of Zach and Codey on. I felt like a loser for watching it but it felt better worrying about the problems going on at the Tipton Hotel instead of the drama I was going through. Plus, I had a secret life long crush on Codey and I loved seeing him. After an hour of watching T.V. and sipping on my sprite, I walked into my room and plopped down onto my bed. I had a headache from all the crying I had done earlier and was still hurt emotionally. I fell asleep at 7:04 in the afternoon; after all, it was the first day of school and I had no homework.
I woke up the next morning to the sound of my alarm clock buzzing it's head off. I groggily turned over and slapped the alarm clock knocking it off of my dresser and into the floor. I swung my legs onto the floor and rubbed my face with my hands trying to become more alert. I looked down at myself, I still had on my ripped jeans and belt with my aeropastle shirt. I stood up and walked into the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal before getting a shower. My routine already felt old and the motivation for repeating it day after day was no where in sight. I reached up and grabbed a box of Apple Jacks out of the cabinet and retrieved some milk from the fridge.
After eating my breakfast in silence and in the dark, I went into my room and looked around for clothes to wear. I considerably cared less on what I was to wear than the day before but I still wanted to look my best. I sifted through my closet, found a long sleeved shirt with some worn out jeans to wear and walked into the shower. If there was one thing in this world that I could count on for refuge, it was my morning shower. It was comforting and a warm shelter with predictable reliability. It allowed me to piece together all that was going on around me in the world and helped me make sense of it all. My showers were typically long lasting from roughly 20-30 minutes or longer, depending on how I felt.
I had a lot on my mind, especially since Jake happened. I had been trying especially hard to exclude Jake from my inner thoughts, they were far too emotional to even turn over in my head. The biggest question running through my head was that of "What's going to happen today?". I could only imagine what Jake will do and tell people. I had already formulated my plan, approach it with my life long approach of being reserved and talking to no one. I felt violated, used, and upset; I already didn't want to talk to anyone. After my forty minute shower, I got out, dried off, and prepared myself for school. Unlike yesterday, and from now on, mom wouldn't be home to take me to school. She only did on the first day of school as a type of tradition developed since middle school.
My car was already waiting for me in the student parking lot because the school asked students to familiarize themselves with their parking lots before school started, so I just left mine there the night before so mom could take me to school. Otherwise she would argue with me until once again tradition won.
I walked outside with my backpack slung over my shoulder to my Jetta waiting in the drive way. I was mentally preparing myself for the gay slurs that were sure to be thrown at me by people Jake told or had seen me with Jake yesterday. I got in the car and turned the key, the radio immediately kicked on with loud music blaring from the setting of yesterday. I sat in the car for a moment unmoving. The radio reminded me of Jake. "I am a baby, just like Jake said," I thought to myself. I became emotional and quickly submerged my feelings deep within myself. I had to get through this day, the feelings could be dealt with later.
I backed out of the driveway and drove to school with the radio still on. I quickly found my place in the parking lot and slowly trudged inside. Today was going to be hell, I knew it. After walking in the front doors I hurriedly marched to my locker and grabbed my books for the first class. I got some odd looks as I walked but this wasn't outside the norm for me anyway. I headed into physics, I really really didn't want to see Jake, but I had no choice. I sat down at my desk and put my head down hoping no one would say anything to me. Five minutes before the tardy bell would ring, Jake walked in carelessly and sat down on the opposite side of the room as me. He didn't even look at me. I sighed to myself, yesterday happened so fast; I wish I could redo it all over again.
Jake sat by himself until one of his female admirers coolly strolled over and sat down beside him. "Hey," she said happily. "What's up" he said back barely noticing her. "I was wondering if you'd like to-" "No" Jake interrupted her. "Well you don't have to be a jerk about it, fag." she yelled with a disgusted look appearing on her face. I laughed to myself, the girls were going to have a tough time with him.
I watched Jake as he stared at Nathan in the front row. Nathan was as straight as one could get, and even more so, he was a big homophobe like everyone else in school. Jake soon couldn't take just watching him and pulled out a piece of paper and began writing on it. He quickly folded it neatly and passed it over to Nathan. Nathan looked down at the paper, read it as quickly as his mind could process, which wasn't that fast, and wadded it into a ball. "Don't talk to me you queer," He shouted while throwing the paper back at Jake. The paper sailed through the air and found its mark. The paper bounced off Jake and rolled my way. Jake looked away, hurt and completely unprepared for such a vicious response. The truth about Jake's sexuality had spread quickly. Rather than laugh and enjoy the show, I felt sorry for Jake. No one deserved that kind of treatment for who they are and being gay I knew the feeling well.
I had pushed all my emotions to the back burner of my mind to help shield myself from the pain of what happened between Jake and me. The pain was still looming within me and every glance at Jake was like another dagger stabbing away at my heart. I was a foolish love struck teenager and delved far too quickly into the idea of love. Nathan continued taunting Jake with foul names. Jake got up, said "go to hell," and walked to a desk farther away from Nathan, which was closer to me. A furious Nathan continued the onslaught of verbal abuse but Jake had already tuned him out. Jake shot a look at me while walking and I looked away in response. I think he was getting a dose of what this town really contained, ignorance.
With the girls and guys talking about the new queer in school, Jake sat at another desk alone. I was studying the floor trying to avoid the gaze of Jake and I saw the note he had written to Nathan. I bent down and picked it up wondering what could have been so bad. I uncrumpled it slowly with my fingers. It simply read "Hey there, my name is Jake. I'm new in school, what's your name? Do you play any sports?" Jake signed his name with two hearts beside it a the bottom of the page out of simple habit.
I expected the note to have something to the effect of "Hey, I'm Jake and I'm bi, I think you're cute." But even with such lighthearted friendly questions Jake was condemned by Nathan as nothing more than another faggot. Jake had his head down on the desk, he could be crying, I couldn't tell. I just looked at him and looked away, if he hadn't destroyed my security and heart, I would have been more sympathetic. In my opinion he needed the wake up call. The teacher, who was printing out papers he had failed to do the previous night, briskly assumed authority with a loud "Quiet down!" He then commenced to give us our worksheets and orally give our directions. "Alright, everyone needs to get in pairs, preferably the one sitting next to you at your seat. If you should fail to acquire a partner I shall assign one for you. Begin." and with that the teacher sat back down at his desk, emailing the other teachers on how horrible the school board is.
After a few minutes of scrambling, everyone was in a group, that is, of course, except Jake and I. Mr. Everest stood up and spotted us sitting alone and announced "Jake, Ryan, pair up and get to work." I just glared at him, refusing to move an inch, Jake did the same. "Now!" he shouted becoming impatient. Jake got up and walked over and sat down next to me. "Hey," he said unemotionally. I just stared at him in response. "We're partners in case you we'rent listening." he said, fixing his eyes upon me. "I work alone, just don't talk to me and this'll work out," I said formally and turned away from him.
Jake was obviously less shaken by yesterday than I was. "C'mon don't be like this," he said downplaying the drama of yesterday. Did he really think I was going to just let him off for what he's done? "How can you even show your face knowing well what you did yesterday," I said trying extremely hard to maintain my voice so others wouldn't hear. "I have no idea as to what you're talking about," he said keeping his eyes on his worksheet. "Like hell you don't know!" I hissed angrily. I kept my voice down to avoid starting a drama the class would happily join in on. He turned and looked at me directly. "I'm a highschool kid, I have hormones, sue me. You obviously don't have a heart," I shot back unforgiving. "I don't know why you took it so personal, it was just lust Ryan. Lust?! We had a relationship Jake! A relationship isn't just about lust and whatever the hell you thought you could get out of it." At this point my voice was raised and most of the class was either staring or laughing. Nathan felt it necessary to make a comment "Aww, the poor little homos are having a fight." He laughed with the class. I blushed. "No we aren't, Jake's a scum bag and that's all there is to it. I refuse to waste my breath on him." I stormed off and sat in the corner alone. All I wanted was peace, what's so wrong with that?
Jake sat there embarrassed and quiet. So far the only friend he made he had tried to take advantage of and everyone else hated his guts. The world was crashing around him and he didn't know what to do. He slowly got up and retreated to the same corner I found myself in. He sat down beside me and snuggled up to my side. "Do-not-touch-me" I said slowly and dangerously. Jake scooted away one inch so we weren't physically touching but it was still incredibly close, too close. The class was laughing and staring at the two of us in the corner. The teacher, who had been oblivious to everything that was going on got up and yelled "Everyone shut up and get to work! I will have no more talking this entire period!" and with that he sat back down in his chair and continued his emails.
Jake was desperately begging my forgiveness, as I was the only one who wasn't judging him based on his sexuality. But what I was judging him on was his character, and to me, it seemed rather pathetic. I was always the guy that thought that everyone deserved a second chance, but this offense seemed to severe. Jake tried to wiggle his hand into mine. I pushed his hand away hard to send the message. Jake was hot, I'll give him that, but being in a relationship for me is much more than that. The last thing I needed to happen was to let Jake get my emotions up and me start crying, so I stopped thinking about it.
I picked up my pencil and began working on the worksheet Mr. Everest had handed out. Not that I cared about completing it, I just needed something to get my mind off of Jake. After a few minutes of quiet watching, Jake finally leaned in and kissed my cheek softly. I turned my head slowly towards him and said "Get-away-from-me-now" I was done with his games. "Can't we still be fri-" "No" I said quickly. "I have no friends and thats how it's been and that's how it will stay" I whispered making sure the students were unable to hear. "But," he started, but I just shook my head no. I wanted to be alone and not be bugged, that was how I preferred it. If Jake knew he could go to someone else and talk to them without being called a fag I'm sure he would of. He got to work on the his worksheet and we worked quietly the whole period.
Once the bell rang everyone hurried out the door to their second period class. Jake followed me through the hall without saying a word. I sat down in American History where I had yesterday and Jake sat down right beside me. I refused to look at him. One thing infuriated me more than anything else, he had yet to say he was sorry for what he had done. He acted like it wasn't his fault and that it wasn't that big of a deal. "At least be man enough to acknowledge what you've done and know you screwed up." I thought, "then you apologize for it."
"Look-" Jake tried to start conversation "Don't talk to me" I stopped him. "Just let me-" "I said no, go away! You don't even know what you've you done to me!" I exploded like yesterday, in the same exact class room and the same exact chair. "Whatever, I don't need this," Jake got up and moved away, just like yesterday, but this time I wasn't going after him. Jake hopped over a few rows and sat down right as the tardy bell rang and the teacher walked in ready for class.
"Good morning class! I hope you're all ready for second period U.S. History." she smiled sweetly and proceeded to write questions on the board. I looked over at Jake, he was staring straight ahead keeping to himself. For the entire period Jake never looked over at me nor did he talk to anyone around him. Even the girls around him didn't talk to him, they must of already got news of his sexuality and wanted no part in it. Everyone knew if you associated yourself with a gay kid, you were gay too. After a period of answering questions, well I should say, the class answering questions since I never participated, the freedom bell rang and everyone walked out going to third period. Unlike last hour, Jake didn't even wait for me so he could follow, he just walked out silently. To be blunt, I didn't feel too sorry for how I was treating him. The damp spot in the carpet where I cried for hours said enough.
I walked out and went to spanish class. I sauntered in and sat down in the corner spotting Jake in the opposite one. I leaned back in my seat, maybe now things could be like they were supposed to. Sure, I hadn't planned on being outted to the whole school just because some guy came along, but people never really talked to me anyway. Third period was incredibly similar to second, Jake and I talked to no one, and I refused to participate in any class involvement. Once the bell rang the class paraded to lunch as I walked behind. I made my way to a two seater and sat down alone. The lunch line, like always, was abundantly long and I always waited for it to die down before entering. I looked around and saw trouble coming my way-Jake. As he neared my table I looked at him and said "You can't sit here." but he didn't seem to take notice. He settled down in the seat directly in front of me and just looked at me. "What the hell do you want from me, don't you think you've done enough?" I exhaled becoming aggravated with the relentlessness of his need to bother me all day. "No one else wants me around..." he said quietly allowing his voice to trail off. "And you think I do?" I said quickly. He looked down, hurt. "Hurts, doesn't it?" I let it hang in the air for a second, "When people violate you emotionally and physically. When everything you thought you had betrays you."
His eyes staid transfixed unmoving on the table. "You betrayed me," I said while getting up from the table. "Please don't leave," Jake said still looking at the table. I looked at him "Give me one good reason why after what you've done to me." I said sorely. Jake just frowned at the table in response. I walked away.
After lunch ended, I went to my fourth hour class expecting some well deserved peace. I walked into my art class and sat down in the back eagerly anticipating the quiet that the period would bring. The art teacher, Mr. Sutton, stood in the front and waited for everyone to find their seats. After everyone had filtered to their desk he announced "Okay everyone, today you will be drawing your favorite animal! After that everyone will come up and present what they have drawn to the class. This will help everyone get to know one another better, have fun!" he said with drowning enthusiasm.
He passed out blank drawing paper and settled behind his desk. "You have 25 minutes to finish this!" he informed us before beginning to read Little House on the Prairie. I took out my mechanical pencil and began to sketch the outline of my penguin; after a few minutes it began to take shape. A freshman beside me leaned over and commented. "Oh you like penguins too?" he smiled brightly. "They're alright" I said trying to avoid conversation. "What do you think of mine?" he held up his paper to me eagerly. I quickly shot a glance at it. "Looks nice..." I said uninterested. To be completely honest, the drawing was far better than mine, even in just the few minutes he had been working.
He looked over at mine, "Hey yours looks cool" he said cheerfully. "Thanks..." I muttered knowing he was lying to be nice. He returned his attention back to his drawing, carefully and skillfully adding small details to enhance the visual. "What's your name?" he asked still working on his penguin. "Ryan," I answered focusing on drawing my penguins face. "That's cool, mine's Alex. Nice to meet you." he said keeping his eyes focused on his paper. "What grade are you in?" he asked. "eleventh, and you're a freshman right?" I responded. "Yeah" he smiled "got a girlfriend? he asked and stopped drawing to look at me. "Nah..." I said casually. "How come?" he asked inquisitively. "Reasons...do you have one?" "Nope," "Probably better off that way anyway, they're trouble." I said having only Jake to go on as relationship experience. "Why, you ever had a girlfriend?" he said becoming more interested. "No" I said honestly, "have you?" "Yeah, I did in 7th grade, but it didn't work out." he said looking down at the floor. "Sorry to hear that," I mumbled.
I looked over at him, he was a short, brown eyed boy with natural dirty blonde hair that was about an inch shorter than Jakes. Though the eyes and hair were close, Jake and Alex looked completely different. "It's all good," Alex said, regaining his cheerfulness. "Well I'm sure you'll get one this year." I said thinking about how cute he was. He shrugged thoughtfully, "Maybe." I sighed to myself, I had no chance with him and I knew it. First off, I thought, he's straight which tends to kill any hopes at a gay relationship, and secondly, he's way out of my league.
We both worked silently on our penguins for a few minutes. After finishing up the final details of mine I turned to him holding it up "Watcha' think?" He smiled happily and said "It's wonderful." I half way smiled back. "Can I see yours?" "Sure, but it's not very good," he said sheepishly. He held it up allowing me to see. "Wow, you're good" I said amazed. The sketch of the penguin had become a detailed structure of a penguin standing gracefully on a patch of ice floating on water.
"Nah," he said modestly looking down at his desk. Mr. Sutton stood up and declared "Alright gang, time's up! We will start with you Mr. Henlin." "Ugh, wonderful.." I grumbled. The one's going first always had the hardest time. I paced up to the front of the class with my paper in hand. I put the mediocre drawing on the canvas for everyone to view. "As you can see, my favorite animal is a penguin." I said dryly hoping this was all that was required of me. "Why so, Mr. Henlin?" Mr. Sutton wasn't allowing me to walk scotch free. "They can survive the worlds' harshest conditions, and know how to work together," I said shortly. "Explain please," Mr. Sutton demanded. "In extreme icy winds, the penguins form a large single group, wherein the center is the warmest. They take alternate taking turns in the center and the outside ensuring that all penguins stay warm and do their part." I said recalling my knowledge from a paper I had written as a freshman on penguins. "Fascinating," Mr. Sutton said, content with the presentation. "Okay then! Who's next." He called as I returned to my seat. Alex eagerly threw his hand into the air.
"Aha Mr. Young come on down!" Mr. Sutton said gleefully, he was a very energetic, quirky man. Alex advanced to the front with a wide smile on his face. "Hi I'm Alex and my favorite animal is the same as Ryan's." he said with zeal. He placed his picture on the canvas. "Isn't that something!" Mr. Sutton exclaimed unable to withhold his enthusiasm. Alex's eyes lit up from the high praise. "So why the penguin, Mr. Young?" Mr. Sutton said, displaying his love of calling everyone formally by their last names. "The penguin stands for love and devotion. Each two penguins that have a child both endure extremely difficult conditions to help the other one out. Their love for one another is unbreakable, even by the worlds' worst weather and fiercest predators." "Poetic!" Mr. Sutton rang out. "Thank you Mr. Young! You may have a seat; now who can top that!"
It's early and a nerve wrecking first day of school. I've already been through two years of this high school mess and now I am one rung higher on the ladder, a junior. Life will continue on as it always has for me, being rather uneventful and keeping to myself through the year. Being a quiet kid in high school is close to a crime, and all who are convicted are sentenced to be exiled from everyone else, so that's where I am, excommunicated. For me the day goes like this : try and stay awake in school in the corner of the classroom and ignore people who talk to me, they are, after all, just trying to make fun of me.
I had little hopes of this year having any type of change or variation and I was prepared to be my nonsocial self once again while censoring who I am to the world. I looked down at my watch, 7:15 I better get going. Mom hopped in the car and I got in the passenger side, as usual it was a silent trip to school with any attempts at conversation withering away into silence. After 10 minutes of driving we arrived to the car rider section and I got out as mom said "Have a good first day," yeah, that'll happen. I slung my backpack across my back and started in, I already knew where my locker was and I just had to go to find out where my classes were. I pulled out my schedule: 1st hour Physics, room 47, boy what fun. I casually walked to the science hall and peered into the class room. It was pretty uniform as far as class rooms go and rather empty, except for the one boy sitting at a table looking up at me. I looked down and walked off with no direction. I hated when people stared, it usually radiated disapproval but oddly, this boy was more curious. I didn't recognize him, he must be new or he would of learned that I am an outcast and his gaze would follow the rest of the worlds. I looked down at my schedule to see my next period class. "Hey you've got the next three classes with me," he said smiling. "wahh?"
I jumped back in surprise, it was the same boy at the table. "I was hoping you could show me around, I'm new here and this place can get confusing" he said sincerely. I looked at him for a moment, he had blonde hair down to his eyes with an athletic figure and big brown eyes. "I'm sure there are better people to help you..." I muttered, looking down. He looked disappointed which confused me. "Oh, well uh..alright" he said defeated. I sighed, "Alright, what's your second class," I said while rolling my eyes. "Same as yours," he beamed "American History". "Great, follow me," I said lowly. I took the lead expecting him just to follow and be done with it, I'd already talked more in these few minutes than I usually do all year. He quickly walked up next to me smiling and said "This place seems pretty cool, I already met my first period teacher and he seemed nice," I just looked over at him as my response then looked back ahead. He slightly frowned but didn't falter, "You don't talk much you know that?" he was smiling at me again. "I'm not exactly the social type, let's hurry up and get this done." "I used to live in Michigan" he tried to start conversation again "But I think I'm going to like it down here." "Why? This place sucks." "Why do you say that?" he said seemingly caring. I just looked at him and said nothing, he'd learn sooner or later this place is the most boring place on earth. "Here we are, American History, room 10, have a great day," I turned to leave. "Wait," he said while grabbing my hand, he let go catching himself and blushing " I just, you haven't showed me the rest of my classes yet." "You'll manage" I grunted, feeling kinda weird about the whole grabbing my hand thing. He looked at the floor sadly "I thought we were becoming friends..." allowing his voice to trail off. "I don't have any friends" I shot back. He didn't know what to say and just stood there awkwardly. I walked off nonchalantly in the direction of my first period class to escape this new kids grasp of optimism.
The first get-to-class bell rang and students began to filter into their seats in physics. I sat at my table alone, hoping it'd be that way all year so I wouldn't be bothered by any jerks hoping to make fun of me. I saw the kid I talked to earlier walk in and scan the room. "Oh God no," I thought in my mind "don't let him find me," I put my head down. He smiled, quickly walked over, and plopped down in the chair next to me. "Hiya," he said, his optimism on full blast. I lifted my head and looked at him with firm rejection. It went undeterred. "I can help you with whatever work you have in here," he was trying to make up for the inconvenience of him sitting there. "I'll do fine," I said dully. "Why doesn't this kid leave me alone" I questioned in my mind, I shouldn't have even talked to him to begin with. "What's your name," he asked, "sorry I didn't get it earlier". "Ryan" I said without looking at him. "Mine's Jake" he smiled. He chatted to me the whole period about his life in Michigan, his favorite foods, vacations and other useless conversation I was forced to listen to; I simply nodded when I had to and said nothing. I noticed several girls looking at Jake, he is attractive. It was getting close to time to go. "You know those girls are checking you out, right?" I asked trying to get him interested in something that wasn't me. He shrugged as if he didn't care much. What's this guys deal, I thought for sure that'd work, I thought.
The bell rung and everyone shuffled out of the room and strolled to their next period class. I walked slowly to my next class and sat down in the corner of the class room, passing Jake on the way in. He must of been waiting for me because he was standing up when I walked in and set down beside me. "Why can't you just leave me alone huh, I didn't ask for this; go bother someone else!" I raged. "Oh..." he looked down flushed and hurt. " I guess I'll uh...just go then..." he got up and walked and sat down a few seats away. I had hurt him with my outburst and it showed. What had I done, the only person that was nice to me and had actually wanted to be friends I pushed away and been a jerk to. Jake put his head down and his blonde hair hid his face from the rest of us. I didn't move or say anything, I thought now my year might finally go to normal.
I arrived at my third period class, Spanish. Jake told me earlier we had the first three classes together and I was expecting him to walk be in waiting for me like last time. I didn't see him and even when the tardy bell rang he didn't show up. A few minutes passed and there was a knock on the door. The teacher walked over to the door and opened it slowly. A meek Jake appeared in the door frowning and seemingly lost. The teacher thundered "You're late, are you Jake Selver?" "Yes ma'am," he uttered weakly. "This will count against you," the teacher said angrily. "I-I'm sorry..I'm new here and.." "Save it, take a seat," she ordered. He looked down and walked to a seat far from where I was sitting without even a glance to me. Guilt consumed me. It was my fault he was late, I had abandoned him and we both knew it. I was becoming the jerk that I had resented all these years and Jake did not deserve that. I got up and walked over next to Jake. He didn't even look up at me. "Listen..." I started. "It's okay, I know you don't wanna be my friend, I know." He started to get up to move. I quickly got up and grabbed his hand to stop him. "Please, I'm sorry". He turned and looked at me, our hands were still together. The teacher turned and yelled "Ryan, Jake, sit down!!" We both blushed, now the center of attention, and set down. Our hands pulled apart slowly and I had this weird feeling swell inside me. He looked over at me and I looked back. What is this feeling, my head felt light and my heart was beating 5 times faster than normal. His brown eyes seemed endless, and I was soon lost within them. The teachers cry for attention slapped me out of my trance and I turned my head back towards the front. There was something different about Jake than anyone else I'd ever met. Jake and me didn't say another word the whole period out of awkwardness and fear of the teacher lashing out on us. The bell rang and we both got up to leave. "What's your next class?" I asked fearing he'd be late to his next period as well. "Creative Writing," he said solemnly looking at me. Everyone else had cleared out for lunch, including the teacher. "That's up this hall and the first door on your..." he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine sliding his hand onto my hip. By instinct and utter surprise, I pushed him off, hard. Jake fell back onto a desk and looked up at me with fear in his eyes. "Jake wai-" No longer than the beginning of the word wait Jake had already sprinted out the door. "What just happened?" the question echoed in my mind. My heart was pounding, my face was red and my stomach felt like a swarm of butterflies had just taken flight.
I'd been attracted to guys all my life, I was gay, I knew that and it was mainly the reason I failed to socialize. I hadn't told a soul in my life, I don't need anyone judging me, especially in this small ignorant town. Is Jake gay too? Does he like me? My eyes filled with tears, I just hurt Jake...and truth be told I thought he was cute the moment i saw him in physics. Jake just left himself open to me...on the first damn day of school! "I have to find him."
I walked into the lunch room, my body coursing with a cocktail of anger, joy, and sadness. I scanned the lunch room for Jake, nothing. "Damn it where is he!" I yelled in frustration. "You will not use that kind of language in my lunch room Ryan Henlin!" a lunch monitor rang out next to me. "You'll live" I muttered back. Mr. Pellin glared at me debating on punishing me or letting me walk free this time; I didn't intend on giving him more time to decide so I walked to a booth and sat down. I kept looking around, he had to be around somewhere... after a few minutes of waiting I got up and walked in line for food, giving me a better view of the lunch room. I wasn't even close to being hungry, not after that. Mid-way in line I spotted Jake walk in the back door with his head down and sit at the nearest empty table. He crossed his arms on top of the table and laid his head down allowing his blonde hair to fall around his face. I pushed a strand of brown hair out of my eyes and made my way over leaving my tray half-way filled with food at the line.
I sat down at the table and Jake kept his head down. "Listen.." "Go away," he said quietly. " I just wanna.." That's when he lifted his head and looked at me. His eyes were blood shot and it was obvious he had been crying. I stopped myself short. I felt horrible and guilty like I had when he came in late for 3rd. I couldn't blame him for not wanting me around, all I had been to him is a jerk. I gently took Jake's hand into mine, he quickly pulled back. I got up and sat down on the side of the booth Jake was on, I was not giving up. He didn't seem to notice, he just turned his head the other direction towards the wall. I snuggled up next to him, if anyone was watching I didn't give a damn. "Jake, I'm gay." I whispered. "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life and.." he turned to look at me awaiting the next words. "And, I'd uhh I wanna b-be your boyfriend." I stumbled.
Jake just looked at me unmoving. The lunch bell rang, the one thing I feared most would happen, besides rejection. Jake got out on the other side of the booth and started walking out. I quickly got out on my side and ran after him. I struggled through the crowd not taking my eyes off of him for a second. "Why's he so damn fast" I thought angrily, my language tends to spin out of control when I'm emotional. After a while of snaking through the crowd and ticking some people off, I got behind Jake. I took his right hand and stopped him, he whirled around in response, his blonde hair falling into his face. I got closer to him, brushed his hair out of his face pressed my lips to his. He put his hand on my face and kissed back. For a moment in time we were suspended in space together, nothing mattered. He wrapped his other arm around me and I put mine around his neck. A kid bumped into us on purpose and yelled "faggots!". It was a rude awakening back to the real, hateful world. We pulled our heads apart but kept holding each other; and so our relationship began.
I then took his hand and led him to his next period, which sadly he didn't have with me. "Stay here and I'll take you to your next hour too kay?" He smiled and said okay. He leaned forward and kissed me swiftly and walked in the door. My heart was pounding, it felt so surreal to me. I had to be the luckiest guy on this planet, and the happiest. The next period I couldn't concentrate, all I could think about was Jake and how much I wanted to be with him. I didn't even get the teachers name in Art, drawing was never my strong suit anyway. I rushed back to Jake after the period and found him waiting outside the door. "Hey you," I called smiling. He smiled the same sweet smile he had when I first met him, it was the most beautiful smile a person could witness. I took his hand and he snuggled up next to me. "Where to?" I asked nuzzling the side of his head with mine. "English," he replied. We walked down the hall together getting looks from everyone. A teacher stopped us. "No Public display of affection!" his punishing voice bellowed. "It says in the agenda we can hold hands." I shot back. "That's for boys and girls only," he kept his voice loud. "I didn't see that in the agenda," I glared and said nonchalantly, then pulled on Jake's hand gently to motion that we should keep walking. That was one thing I had done last period, I'd read up in the agenda about PDA. By Kentucky state law they were mandated that they couldn't discriminate gay couples, but teachers own values often overruled the state laws were often ignored. The teacher who had stopped us couldn't think of anything more to say and angrily allowed us to walk away, still holding hands.
After getting Jake to English he handed me a note he had written in his 4th period class. I took it and looked up at him "What's it about?" I asked. "Just read it" he winked at me and went into class. I smiled at him being all mysterious. I hurried to my class and I opened the note quickly. It read "Dear Ryan, I still haven't answered your question have I? :P I'd love to be your boyfriend and we have lots to talk about later hun. Is it okay if I call you hun? Well the teacher is handing out work packets, woohoo. All I'll be doing is thinking of you anyway. P.S. Be sure to meet me after school today! Love, Jake."
The note made me smile, was it wrong I already was so attached to this guy so fast? Should I be taking it slow? I hoped that after school we could talk and maybe he could come over. My mom doesn't have to know anything, she'll just be happy I made a friend and say " I told you that you could make friends!" and embarrass me. Pre-Cal class flew by with my mind undivided on Jake. I thought of all the things we could do together and how happy we'd be together. Finally, life didn't seem too bad.
After the last bell of the day rang, I bolted out the door to find my boyfriend. He was standing outside his last period class, looking cute as he always did. I walked up to him "Hey," I smiled. "Hey back," he smiled back. "Do you think you can come over to my house or is it too early for that?.." I said quickly, the last thing I wanted to do was make him uncomfortable. "I'll have to talk it over with my mom, but I'd love to." his smile got wider. How could anyone have a smile so cute? It didn't seem possible. "Alright, cool," I said casually trying to hold back my joy and avoid looking lame.
"Have you told your mom about you being?.." I asked not wanting to say the rest out loud in the middle of the hall. "I'm bi actually but I prefer guys mainly," he laughed, "but no I haven't told her, not sure how'd she take it." "Same here," I smiled. "So are you gay or bi?" he asked nonchalantly. "Can we talk about all this when we get to my house? We're kinda in the middle of..." I looked around with my eyes to finish my sentence. He laughed again "Sure hun, will your mom be home?" he asked. "No, she doesn't get home until around 6 when she gets off work." "Alright cool," Alex said looking at me.
Alex pulled out his cell phone and called his mom at home. He talked to her telling her that he made a new friend and wanted to go to his house for a while; he winked at me during the conversation, I just smiled back. After a minute of talking, Jake got off the phone and said she was fine with it. "Do you care that I'll be driving us there?" I asked. "Nah, thats fine."
We walked out into the student parking lot together talking about our classes and how great this year would be together. We eventually made it over to my Jetta Volkswagen and he jumped in the passenger seat and I got in the driver's side. I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek and fastened my seat belt. He just smiled contently and started playing with the stereo trying to find a station he liked. He stopped it on 96.1, playing "Six Feet Under the Stars" by All Time Low. I love that song. We pulled out of the parking lot and started down the road together, I was beginning to get nervous. What if he thought my home was too small or my room was too messy or he didn't like cats, the list of things to go wrong were endless. We pulled up in my driveway to my one story three bedroom , one and a half bathroom house. It was average by standards but nothing luxurious.
"Nice place," he said looking over the yellow siding and green window shutters. "Thanks," I smiled, relieved. We got out of the car, locking it behind us and made our way inside. Jake was at least nice enough to pretend he liked my house if he didn't like it at all. I gave him a small tour showing him my older brother's room who is now in college, the kitchen, my mothers room and my room. He walked observing it quietly, but a lot of times I found him observing me instead, making me smile. After the tour was over we headed into my room and got on my bed and started talking.
"Still haven't answered my question," he said sticking his tongue out at me and inching closer. "I'm gay, I've never really been attracted to a girl before," I said truthfully. "Ever been with a guy before?" He asked still getting closer. "No, you're my first boyfriend, have you?" I responded. "I had a few back in Michigan" he said putting his hand on my leg. As much as I loved the attention I was slightly worried it might get out of hand. "So how does your mom not know?" I asked. "We mainly did what we are doing now, she just thought we were friends and that was it," he began moving his hand up my leg. I scooted back some getting uncomfortable. He frowned.
"Something wrong baby?" he said getting close again. "I just, are you wanting to do something?.." I said stumbling over a few of my words. "I just thought we'd get to know each other better," he winked and put his hands on my chest and began sliding them down. "H-Hey listen, we really d-don't know each other well enough Jake." My voice was trembling and shaky. "Aw c'mon hun, don't worry I know what I'm doing, it's not my first time." His hands were lifting up my shirt. I got up off the bed. "Jake I can't, it's not that I don't want this, I just can't. It's too early. I hope you understand." I looked down feeling selfish for not giving Jake what he wanted but also scared. "C'mon" He said getting up off the bed and coming towards me, "it'll be fun I promise." "Jake please not this early" I pleaded. "Just lay down" Jake said lustfully. "I said no Jake, I'm sorry." "This is what relationships are made for, do it."He said angrily. I stared at Jake. All this time he had been wanting to get me alone and thought I'd go along with whatever he wanted. "They are for love, Jake, please can we just forget this happened and watch T.V. or something." "Do this for me or we're over" Jake announced growing increasingly furious. Tears welled up in my eyes and began streaming down my face. All I wanted was for someone to love me, and all he wanted was sex. He walked over to me and yelled "You're such a baby,". His arm came up and slapped me across the face. The ground rushed up to meet my head and Jake stormed out of the house. My face was stinging red and I began sobbing on the ground with my head in my hands.
I don't remember how long I had remained on the ground crying, I just remember hearing the door swing open and mom cry out "I'm home!". I jumped up in absolute panic; I couldn't let my mom see me like this, there was no way I could explain. I quickly threw a blanket over the damp spot where I had been crying on the carpet and wiped my face, trying to reestablish my emotions. She walked into my room and found me on my bed reading a book casually, it was the closest thing to me I could grab. "Hey, it's nice to see you reading! Hopefully this year you'll try harder," She was right, I never read, especially for school. She looked at me "Hey, why is your eyes all red? Have you been cr-" "No, just some allergies to the plants in my science class," I lied quickly. She looked at me with a look only mothers can give, debating if she thought my response was truthful or not. "Alright, be sure to take some allergy medicine before school tomorrow and inform your science teacher," "Alright," I muttered wanting to end the conversation quickly. "Clean your room, it's a mess," she said while leaving my room. I mumbled in response and put the book down when she left, it was To Kill a Mockingbird, nothing interesting.
This was by far the worst first day of school in my entire life. I was so excited that I had finally met someone, not only that but I made a boyfriend. For a few hours of my life, I was truly happy. Now I was completely miserable. What if he told everyone at school I'm gay? What if he doesn't care and says that we did have sex? I let him into my heart so fast and he left just as quickly as he had come in. Never again would I let anyone get to me like that, never. I just hoped life would go back to normal and I could be alone again. That's all I wanted. I got up off my bed and went into the kitchen to get something to drink. I swung open the door of the large metallic refrigerator and scanned the contents looking for something that could help me calm down. I swiftly grabbed a sprite from the interior and set it on the counter.
After filling a cup to the brim with the fizzy drink I went and sat down on the couch and covered up with a small quilt, cup in hand. I turned on the T.V. and found the news channel showing the death and rape of a woman; the news always depressed me, why couldn't they ever have something happy for once? I flipped the channel to Disney and found The Suite Life of Zach and Codey on. I felt like a loser for watching it but it felt better worrying about the problems going on at the Tipton Hotel instead of the drama I was going through. Plus, I had a secret life long crush on Codey and I loved seeing him. After an hour of watching T.V. and sipping on my sprite, I walked into my room and plopped down onto my bed. I had a headache from all the crying I had done earlier and was still hurt emotionally. I fell asleep at 7:04 in the afternoon; after all, it was the first day of school and I had no homework.
I woke up the next morning to the sound of my alarm clock buzzing it's head off. I groggily turned over and slapped the alarm clock knocking it off of my dresser and into the floor. I swung my legs onto the floor and rubbed my face with my hands trying to become more alert. I looked down at myself, I still had on my ripped jeans and belt with my aeropastle shirt. I stood up and walked into the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal before getting a shower. My routine already felt old and the motivation for repeating it day after day was no where in sight. I reached up and grabbed a box of Apple Jacks out of the cabinet and retrieved some milk from the fridge.
After eating my breakfast in silence and in the dark, I went into my room and looked around for clothes to wear. I considerably cared less on what I was to wear than the day before but I still wanted to look my best. I sifted through my closet, found a long sleeved shirt with some worn out jeans to wear and walked into the shower. If there was one thing in this world that I could count on for refuge, it was my morning shower. It was comforting and a warm shelter with predictable reliability. It allowed me to piece together all that was going on around me in the world and helped me make sense of it all. My showers were typically long lasting from roughly 20-30 minutes or longer, depending on how I felt.
I had a lot on my mind, especially since Jake happened. I had been trying especially hard to exclude Jake from my inner thoughts, they were far too emotional to even turn over in my head. The biggest question running through my head was that of "What's going to happen today?". I could only imagine what Jake will do and tell people. I had already formulated my plan, approach it with my life long approach of being reserved and talking to no one. I felt violated, used, and upset; I already didn't want to talk to anyone. After my forty minute shower, I got out, dried off, and prepared myself for school. Unlike yesterday, and from now on, mom wouldn't be home to take me to school. She only did on the first day of school as a type of tradition developed since middle school.
My car was already waiting for me in the student parking lot because the school asked students to familiarize themselves with their parking lots before school started, so I just left mine there the night before so mom could take me to school. Otherwise she would argue with me until once again tradition won.
I walked outside with my backpack slung over my shoulder to my Jetta waiting in the drive way. I was mentally preparing myself for the gay slurs that were sure to be thrown at me by people Jake told or had seen me with Jake yesterday. I got in the car and turned the key, the radio immediately kicked on with loud music blaring from the setting of yesterday. I sat in the car for a moment unmoving. The radio reminded me of Jake. "I am a baby, just like Jake said," I thought to myself. I became emotional and quickly submerged my feelings deep within myself. I had to get through this day, the feelings could be dealt with later.
I backed out of the driveway and drove to school with the radio still on. I quickly found my place in the parking lot and slowly trudged inside. Today was going to be hell, I knew it. After walking in the front doors I hurriedly marched to my locker and grabbed my books for the first class. I got some odd looks as I walked but this wasn't outside the norm for me anyway. I headed into physics, I really really didn't want to see Jake, but I had no choice. I sat down at my desk and put my head down hoping no one would say anything to me. Five minutes before the tardy bell would ring, Jake walked in carelessly and sat down on the opposite side of the room as me. He didn't even look at me. I sighed to myself, yesterday happened so fast; I wish I could redo it all over again.
Jake sat by himself until one of his female admirers coolly strolled over and sat down beside him. "Hey," she said happily. "What's up" he said back barely noticing her. "I was wondering if you'd like to-" "No" Jake interrupted her. "Well you don't have to be a jerk about it, fag." she yelled with a disgusted look appearing on her face. I laughed to myself, the girls were going to have a tough time with him.
I watched Jake as he stared at Nathan in the front row. Nathan was as straight as one could get, and even more so, he was a big homophobe like everyone else in school. Jake soon couldn't take just watching him and pulled out a piece of paper and began writing on it. He quickly folded it neatly and passed it over to Nathan. Nathan looked down at the paper, read it as quickly as his mind could process, which wasn't that fast, and wadded it into a ball. "Don't talk to me you queer," He shouted while throwing the paper back at Jake. The paper sailed through the air and found its mark. The paper bounced off Jake and rolled my way. Jake looked away, hurt and completely unprepared for such a vicious response. The truth about Jake's sexuality had spread quickly. Rather than laugh and enjoy the show, I felt sorry for Jake. No one deserved that kind of treatment for who they are and being gay I knew the feeling well.
I had pushed all my emotions to the back burner of my mind to help shield myself from the pain of what happened between Jake and me. The pain was still looming within me and every glance at Jake was like another dagger stabbing away at my heart. I was a foolish love struck teenager and delved far too quickly into the idea of love. Nathan continued taunting Jake with foul names. Jake got up, said "go to hell," and walked to a desk farther away from Nathan, which was closer to me. A furious Nathan continued the onslaught of verbal abuse but Jake had already tuned him out. Jake shot a look at me while walking and I looked away in response. I think he was getting a dose of what this town really contained, ignorance.
With the girls and guys talking about the new queer in school, Jake sat at another desk alone. I was studying the floor trying to avoid the gaze of Jake and I saw the note he had written to Nathan. I bent down and picked it up wondering what could have been so bad. I uncrumpled it slowly with my fingers. It simply read "Hey there, my name is Jake. I'm new in school, what's your name? Do you play any sports?" Jake signed his name with two hearts beside it a the bottom of the page out of simple habit.
I expected the note to have something to the effect of "Hey, I'm Jake and I'm bi, I think you're cute." But even with such lighthearted friendly questions Jake was condemned by Nathan as nothing more than another faggot. Jake had his head down on the desk, he could be crying, I couldn't tell. I just looked at him and looked away, if he hadn't destroyed my security and heart, I would have been more sympathetic. In my opinion he needed the wake up call. The teacher, who was printing out papers he had failed to do the previous night, briskly assumed authority with a loud "Quiet down!" He then commenced to give us our worksheets and orally give our directions. "Alright, everyone needs to get in pairs, preferably the one sitting next to you at your seat. If you should fail to acquire a partner I shall assign one for you. Begin." and with that the teacher sat back down at his desk, emailing the other teachers on how horrible the school board is.
After a few minutes of scrambling, everyone was in a group, that is, of course, except Jake and I. Mr. Everest stood up and spotted us sitting alone and announced "Jake, Ryan, pair up and get to work." I just glared at him, refusing to move an inch, Jake did the same. "Now!" he shouted becoming impatient. Jake got up and walked over and sat down next to me. "Hey," he said unemotionally. I just stared at him in response. "We're partners in case you we'rent listening." he said, fixing his eyes upon me. "I work alone, just don't talk to me and this'll work out," I said formally and turned away from him.
Jake was obviously less shaken by yesterday than I was. "C'mon don't be like this," he said downplaying the drama of yesterday. Did he really think I was going to just let him off for what he's done? "How can you even show your face knowing well what you did yesterday," I said trying extremely hard to maintain my voice so others wouldn't hear. "I have no idea as to what you're talking about," he said keeping his eyes on his worksheet. "Like hell you don't know!" I hissed angrily. I kept my voice down to avoid starting a drama the class would happily join in on. He turned and looked at me directly. "I'm a highschool kid, I have hormones, sue me. You obviously don't have a heart," I shot back unforgiving. "I don't know why you took it so personal, it was just lust Ryan. Lust?! We had a relationship Jake! A relationship isn't just about lust and whatever the hell you thought you could get out of it." At this point my voice was raised and most of the class was either staring or laughing. Nathan felt it necessary to make a comment "Aww, the poor little homos are having a fight." He laughed with the class. I blushed. "No we aren't, Jake's a scum bag and that's all there is to it. I refuse to waste my breath on him." I stormed off and sat in the corner alone. All I wanted was peace, what's so wrong with that?
Jake sat there embarrassed and quiet. So far the only friend he made he had tried to take advantage of and everyone else hated his guts. The world was crashing around him and he didn't know what to do. He slowly got up and retreated to the same corner I found myself in. He sat down beside me and snuggled up to my side. "Do-not-touch-me" I said slowly and dangerously. Jake scooted away one inch so we weren't physically touching but it was still incredibly close, too close. The class was laughing and staring at the two of us in the corner. The teacher, who had been oblivious to everything that was going on got up and yelled "Everyone shut up and get to work! I will have no more talking this entire period!" and with that he sat back down in his chair and continued his emails.
Jake was desperately begging my forgiveness, as I was the only one who wasn't judging him based on his sexuality. But what I was judging him on was his character, and to me, it seemed rather pathetic. I was always the guy that thought that everyone deserved a second chance, but this offense seemed to severe. Jake tried to wiggle his hand into mine. I pushed his hand away hard to send the message. Jake was hot, I'll give him that, but being in a relationship for me is much more than that. The last thing I needed to happen was to let Jake get my emotions up and me start crying, so I stopped thinking about it.
I picked up my pencil and began working on the worksheet Mr. Everest had handed out. Not that I cared about completing it, I just needed something to get my mind off of Jake. After a few minutes of quiet watching, Jake finally leaned in and kissed my cheek softly. I turned my head slowly towards him and said "Get-away-from-me-now" I was done with his games. "Can't we still be fri-" "No" I said quickly. "I have no friends and thats how it's been and that's how it will stay" I whispered making sure the students were unable to hear. "But," he started, but I just shook my head no. I wanted to be alone and not be bugged, that was how I preferred it. If Jake knew he could go to someone else and talk to them without being called a fag I'm sure he would of. He got to work on the his worksheet and we worked quietly the whole period.
Once the bell rang everyone hurried out the door to their second period class. Jake followed me through the hall without saying a word. I sat down in American History where I had yesterday and Jake sat down right beside me. I refused to look at him. One thing infuriated me more than anything else, he had yet to say he was sorry for what he had done. He acted like it wasn't his fault and that it wasn't that big of a deal. "At least be man enough to acknowledge what you've done and know you screwed up." I thought, "then you apologize for it."
"Look-" Jake tried to start conversation "Don't talk to me" I stopped him. "Just let me-" "I said no, go away! You don't even know what you've you done to me!" I exploded like yesterday, in the same exact class room and the same exact chair. "Whatever, I don't need this," Jake got up and moved away, just like yesterday, but this time I wasn't going after him. Jake hopped over a few rows and sat down right as the tardy bell rang and the teacher walked in ready for class.
"Good morning class! I hope you're all ready for second period U.S. History." she smiled sweetly and proceeded to write questions on the board. I looked over at Jake, he was staring straight ahead keeping to himself. For the entire period Jake never looked over at me nor did he talk to anyone around him. Even the girls around him didn't talk to him, they must of already got news of his sexuality and wanted no part in it. Everyone knew if you associated yourself with a gay kid, you were gay too. After a period of answering questions, well I should say, the class answering questions since I never participated, the freedom bell rang and everyone walked out going to third period. Unlike last hour, Jake didn't even wait for me so he could follow, he just walked out silently. To be blunt, I didn't feel too sorry for how I was treating him. The damp spot in the carpet where I cried for hours said enough.
I walked out and went to spanish class. I sauntered in and sat down in the corner spotting Jake in the opposite one. I leaned back in my seat, maybe now things could be like they were supposed to. Sure, I hadn't planned on being outted to the whole school just because some guy came along, but people never really talked to me anyway. Third period was incredibly similar to second, Jake and I talked to no one, and I refused to participate in any class involvement. Once the bell rang the class paraded to lunch as I walked behind. I made my way to a two seater and sat down alone. The lunch line, like always, was abundantly long and I always waited for it to die down before entering. I looked around and saw trouble coming my way-Jake. As he neared my table I looked at him and said "You can't sit here." but he didn't seem to take notice. He settled down in the seat directly in front of me and just looked at me. "What the hell do you want from me, don't you think you've done enough?" I exhaled becoming aggravated with the relentlessness of his need to bother me all day. "No one else wants me around..." he said quietly allowing his voice to trail off. "And you think I do?" I said quickly. He looked down, hurt. "Hurts, doesn't it?" I let it hang in the air for a second, "When people violate you emotionally and physically. When everything you thought you had betrays you."
His eyes staid transfixed unmoving on the table. "You betrayed me," I said while getting up from the table. "Please don't leave," Jake said still looking at the table. I looked at him "Give me one good reason why after what you've done to me." I said sorely. Jake just frowned at the table in response. I walked away.
After lunch ended, I went to my fourth hour class expecting some well deserved peace. I walked into my art class and sat down in the back eagerly anticipating the quiet that the period would bring. The art teacher, Mr. Sutton, stood in the front and waited for everyone to find their seats. After everyone had filtered to their desk he announced "Okay everyone, today you will be drawing your favorite animal! After that everyone will come up and present what they have drawn to the class. This will help everyone get to know one another better, have fun!" he said with drowning enthusiasm.
He passed out blank drawing paper and settled behind his desk. "You have 25 minutes to finish this!" he informed us before beginning to read Little House on the Prairie. I took out my mechanical pencil and began to sketch the outline of my penguin; after a few minutes it began to take shape. A freshman beside me leaned over and commented. "Oh you like penguins too?" he smiled brightly. "They're alright" I said trying to avoid conversation. "What do you think of mine?" he held up his paper to me eagerly. I quickly shot a glance at it. "Looks nice..." I said uninterested. To be completely honest, the drawing was far better than mine, even in just the few minutes he had been working.
He looked over at mine, "Hey yours looks cool" he said cheerfully. "Thanks..." I muttered knowing he was lying to be nice. He returned his attention back to his drawing, carefully and skillfully adding small details to enhance the visual. "What's your name?" he asked still working on his penguin. "Ryan," I answered focusing on drawing my penguins face. "That's cool, mine's Alex. Nice to meet you." he said keeping his eyes focused on his paper. "What grade are you in?" he asked. "eleventh, and you're a freshman right?" I responded. "Yeah" he smiled "got a girlfriend? he asked and stopped drawing to look at me. "Nah..." I said casually. "How come?" he asked inquisitively. "Reasons...do you have one?" "Nope," "Probably better off that way anyway, they're trouble." I said having only Jake to go on as relationship experience. "Why, you ever had a girlfriend?" he said becoming more interested. "No" I said honestly, "have you?" "Yeah, I did in 7th grade, but it didn't work out." he said looking down at the floor. "Sorry to hear that," I mumbled.
I looked over at him, he was a short, brown eyed boy with natural dirty blonde hair that was about an inch shorter than Jakes. Though the eyes and hair were close, Jake and Alex looked completely different. "It's all good," Alex said, regaining his cheerfulness. "Well I'm sure you'll get one this year." I said thinking about how cute he was. He shrugged thoughtfully, "Maybe." I sighed to myself, I had no chance with him and I knew it. First off, I thought, he's straight which tends to kill any hopes at a gay relationship, and secondly, he's way out of my league.
We both worked silently on our penguins for a few minutes. After finishing up the final details of mine I turned to him holding it up "Watcha' think?" He smiled happily and said "It's wonderful." I half way smiled back. "Can I see yours?" "Sure, but it's not very good," he said sheepishly. He held it up allowing me to see. "Wow, you're good" I said amazed. The sketch of the penguin had become a detailed structure of a penguin standing gracefully on a patch of ice floating on water.
"Nah," he said modestly looking down at his desk. Mr. Sutton stood up and declared "Alright gang, time's up! We will start with you Mr. Henlin." "Ugh, wonderful.." I grumbled. The one's going first always had the hardest time. I paced up to the front of the class with my paper in hand. I put the mediocre drawing on the canvas for everyone to view. "As you can see, my favorite animal is a penguin." I said dryly hoping this was all that was required of me. "Why so, Mr. Henlin?" Mr. Sutton wasn't allowing me to walk scotch free. "They can survive the worlds' harshest conditions, and know how to work together," I said shortly. "Explain please," Mr. Sutton demanded. "In extreme icy winds, the penguins form a large single group, wherein the center is the warmest. They take alternate taking turns in the center and the outside ensuring that all penguins stay warm and do their part." I said recalling my knowledge from a paper I had written as a freshman on penguins. "Fascinating," Mr. Sutton said, content with the presentation. "Okay then! Who's next." He called as I returned to my seat. Alex eagerly threw his hand into the air.
"Aha Mr. Young come on down!" Mr. Sutton said gleefully, he was a very energetic, quirky man. Alex advanced to the front with a wide smile on his face. "Hi I'm Alex and my favorite animal is the same as Ryan's." he said with zeal. He placed his picture on the canvas. "Isn't that something!" Mr. Sutton exclaimed unable to withhold his enthusiasm. Alex's eyes lit up from the high praise. "So why the penguin, Mr. Young?" Mr. Sutton said, displaying his love of calling everyone formally by their last names. "The penguin stands for love and devotion. Each two penguins that have a child both endure extremely difficult conditions to help the other one out. Their love for one another is unbreakable, even by the worlds' worst weather and fiercest predators." "Poetic!" Mr. Sutton rang out. "Thank you Mr. Young! You may have a seat; now who can top that!"