Vampire

[Hawkman]

Even in the light she walks in darkness,
a mere shadow, drifting through a life,
rich with disappointment and betrayal.
She feeds upon them,
hoarding them to fuel her spite,
every imagined slight
grist to her mill of woe
and her aching, angry heart
rebels and drives away all those,
who would have loved her,
if only she could let them.

Although she’s fair to look upon,
her eyes reveal her core,
radiate suspicion and self hate,
the expectation of a treacherous deceit,
a self-fulfilling prophesy,
yet leavened with a germ of hope,
her need and longing
attractive to a certain kind of man,
who seeks to cherish and protect.

Hungrily, she gorges on the love of others,
until at last, with nothing left to give,
they fall away, for without nourishment themselves,
they seek succour on another shore,
or just relief.

Poor woman, so driven, so alone,
a dead line hanging on a disconnected phone.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Riveting narrative - with a brilliant final couplet!

[Il Dante]

Hungrily, she gorges on the love of others,
until at last, with nothing left to give,
they fall away, for without nourishment themselves,
they seek succour on another shore,
or just relief.


"Gorging on the love of others."
I'm glad you wrote this. The above line describes a common problem that many of us have; too often we want to be loved (which is normal); but we never think to love, or perhaps we have no love to give. Sometimes we are gluttons for love and squander all our love on ourselves.

The only joy greater than being loved absolutely, is to love absolutely. And only the person who loves another human being enough to die for them is truly living.

[Hawkman]

Hi Prince, thank you and I'm glad the final couplet works for you. I was a little worried that it might be a bit cryptic, but I felt it just worked.

Il Dante, thanks too for your kind words and I'm pleased to have been able to produce something that had sufficient depth to resonate for you. Of late I seem to only have been able to compose rather light and superficial ditties for fun. still, fun is good too, or at least, I hope it is...

H

[dizzydoll]

You express so well the many who suck and are sucked dry, and so right you are -- many a man who wish to protect never will.
Happiness must come from within first.

Excellent. :thumbsup:

[blank|verse]

A fitting addition to the growing Hawkman oeuvre of supernatural stanzas. (That almost works.) Suitably 'imbalanced' lines without becoming prosaic; and a nice twist on the vampire mythology saying she is a 'shadow' but presumably without having one herself.

I too liked the closing couplet, but can't decide if, in context, it's slightly too good and melodic. Great metaphor, though.

And - pedants corner -

drifting through a life,
rich in disappointment and betrayal.
she feeds upon them,
hording them to fuel her spite,
Typo - 'She' with capital 's'?
Syntax - saying 'she feeds upon them' reads oddly, I think because there's non-agreement between noun and pronoun as you're referring to 'life' not the abstract nouns her life is rich in. I'm not sure 'rich in disappointments and betrayals' works though.
Spelling - 'ho[a]rding' should have the 'a' this side of the Atlantic.

That aside, it's well written; always good to read your posts.

[Hawkman]

Hi B/V

I had noticed the Typo capital S but forgot to correct it. I'm not sure I follow your critique of 'She feeds upon them," As I was actually refering to the emotions. The Vampire is an emotional one, not a toothsome type out for blood. As for the "Hoarding", mea culpa - but even though my spell checker is set up (supposedly) for UK English, it didn't pick this up. I will edit and correct. Spell checkers make one lazy.

I have changed the line to, "rich with disappointment and betrayal," which you may find more acceptable. I didn't really want to make them plurals, rather I wanted to indicate that she just had a huge reservoire of each.

Thanks for taking the time to read it and for your comments.

Dizzy doll, Thanks for your thumbs up. much appreciated. H

[Bar22do]

Oh, I love this serious deep poem of yours. I feel the protagonist's miserable situation and your noble empathy for her being a victim of an emotional loop. Your pen just flew with generosity when you wrote these lines. Thanks a lot! It's great pleasure to read you.

Best regards - Bar

[Hawkman]

Hi Bar,

I feel unworthy of such fulsome praise and I doubt that I could match your generosity of spirit in anything. It is a pleasure to write and an even greater pleasure to be appreciated, so many thanks for your comments.

H

[blank|verse]

Thanks for the reply, Hawkman.

I know what you mean, that you're referring to both 'disappointment and betrayal' and I think it works for the poem; I'm just trying to work it out for my own peace of mind, and seeing as you seem to know a bit about grammar yourself, maybe you could help resolve this one.

I think maybe it's because there are several sub-ordinate clauses in the first sentence, and because the object is 'the darkness' (the main clause being 'she walks in darkness', containing the subject, finite verb and object) I find my brain initially wants to connect the pronoun 'them' with the object of the previous sentence, not something contained in one of the sub-ordinate clauses, and therefore it doesn't read as smoothly as perhaps it should. Does that make sense? Or is it just me?!

Advice from yourself or any other grammarians is welcome.

(Oh, and I think the comma after 'life' at the end of the second line isn't necessary.)

[PrinceMyshkin]

I too liked the closing couplet, but can't decide if, in context, it's slightly too good and melodic. Great metaphor, though.


Although I expressed my appreciation for that final couplet, I want to commend you for the general principle you've enunciated. I do continue to like it but recognize, now that you've pointed that out, that in its elegance it may be too authoritative by contrast with the body of the poem where the narrator confines himself to quiet, lucid observation. In general, how we take leave of the reader may be as or even more important than how we introduce him/her to a poem.

[Hawkman]

Hi BV

Now I think I see what you are getting at. In an earlier draft of the poem I had a full stop at the end of the second line.

Even in the light she walks in darkness,
a mere shadow, drifting through a life.
Rich with disappointment and betrayal,
she feeds upon them,
hoarding them to fuel her spite,
every imagined slight
grist to her mill of woe
and her aching, angry heart
rebels and drives away all those,
who would have loved her,
if only she could let them.

which is why there was no capital S on the she I suspect.

However, I changed it because at the time it didn't quite work for me. In my mind I had no problem with associatiing the, 'them', with the 'disappointment and betrayal.'

I agree I could probably dispense with the comma at the end of the second line.

I have already expressed my unease with the last couplet although I am unwilling to change it, I am giving it serious thought.

Thank you both

H

[Buh4Bee]

Hawkman,
I have to apologize because I did not read all the conversation in the thread. But I have to say the last two lines also work well for me. This is a narrative of a person I know well, sadly this person is plural.
jersea

[Hawkman]

Thanks jersea, I too, had more than one person in mind when I wrote it. Although the subject of the poem is a female, it could also dsecribe a guy in this day and age.

Whether the whole thing works for every reader seems to be subjective, so I think I'll leave it alone now.

H

[lallison]

I see you've met my ex-girlfriend.

I liked the metaphor of her being some kind of bad vibes junkie selfishly sucking all the emotion out of you (or whoever). I think most people can relate to having known someone like that, and it immediately raises the interest level.

For me, the most powerful line was the last one because of the image. This poem has a lot of emotion words like angry, ache, spite, woe, but I find myself just reading the words more than I feel the emotion behind them. If I could see her doing these things the same way I see the dead phone hanging at the end, I think it would give your poem more power.

In any case, the dark mood and the vampire character seem to be the thing these days, and this poem pulls those off well. Nice one!

Bit of trivia: I read recently a revealing article about Bram Stoker's ideas when he was writing Dracula. Do you know who he based the character on? It was his good friend Walt Whitman.

[Hawkman]

lallison, thanks for your comments which are all valid. I'm glad you found it engaging and also thanks for the tit-bit of trivia, of which I was not aware.