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View Full Version : GOD in Mirror - A short story written by me



rakeshmallya
04-04-2010, 06:07 AM
A (college) boy boards a bus to his college. He is listening to his iPod throughout his journey. When the bus approaches his college, he gets down from the bus. He sees crowd gathered near the college gates. He gets curious and walks through the crowd, and happens to see a guy bleeding (guy has met with an accident). He takes him to the hospital and admits him. He is sent out of his class. He walks down the stairs depressed and sits in a place near to the canteen. He suddenly hears a voice from GOD, “Son. I am proud of you… “He then listens to his mother’s voice “Wake up, its 6 already.” And his alarm chirps and he wakes up. He thinks “Oh it was dream.. Now let’s get started for college” and prepares him.

He leaves home and waits at the bus stop. He boards a bus to his college. He listens to music on the way and is lost in thoughts. “Ah! Finally last day of college. I have had a tough time this semester since my attendance has been low due to my placements and my mother’s illness. Now if I attend all the hours today, I would reach 75% exact. I should be very careful, even if the teacher marks me 1 hour absent (by mistake also), I would be detained. I don’t want to be detained now, at my last semester, since I have got a job as well in Wipro. Be cool, everything gonna be all fine…… “

When the bus approached his college, due to the hustle and bustle inside the bus, he comes out of his thought, and gets down. He sees a crowd gathered near the college gates. He gets curious and walks through the crowd, and happens to see a guy bleeding (guy has met with an accident). The guy happens to be his classmate, who used to be his close friend, but now no more. As he continues to look at his bleeding classmate, he recollects some of his classmates’ mis-doings. A person from the crowd raised a question “Does someone recognize him?” “He is in semi-coma and hurt badly and we need to take him to the hospital quickly” “Does someone recognize him?” – He repeated. The boy replied “Yes, I know him. He is from Final Year IT, my classmate..” He takes him to the hospital and admits him. He completes all the form-filling procedures at the hospital. He takes a look at his watch. It is 8:45. He runs from the hospital to his class, as he is late by 15-20 minutes already. He reaches his classroom at about 8:50 but the lecturer was in no mood to consider or even listen to his excuse and asks him to come next hour.

He walks down the stairs very depressed. He fears that he had made one of the biggest mistakes of his life. But suddenly he remembers his dream vaguely. He concludes that everything which he saw in his dreams has happened to him. He gets curious to find out whether he would hear to GOD’s voice as well in reality just like it happened in his dream. He walks down to the place near the canteen and sits there. It was pretty hot there and he waited for 15-20 mins. just thinking to himself “Son. I am proud of you…” “will GOD tell me this? Will I hear to GOD’s voice?” But after a while he decided that there is no GOD at all and it is too hot here. So, he walks to the canteen and has a lime juice and sits in a place again thinking/fearing about his biggest mistake in his life that he committed this morning. Then, he calms himself down and convinces himself telling “You have saved a person’s life. A person’s life is more important at that time, than thinking about your detention from college. You had/have taken a right decision. “Suddenly a thought strikes him and he realizes “Oh! I mistook it as god’s voice in my dream, it was indeed (actually) my inner voice that I heard in my dream.” He walks away from canteen, back home, proudly thinking about him saving a person’s life (divine nature) and telling himself, “Son. I am proud of you..”



P.S:- He gets detained that year in his college. Next year, he successfully completes his semester and his studies and gets placed in INTEL (Dream Company) that year through campus placements. He goes to his college office, pays the dues, collects his degree and his offer letter and walks out happily through the gates of his college, with a serene voice flowing from a distant source “Son. I am proud of you… “




**THE END**



Note: The writer wants to convey that “GOD (the concept) is present in every human. In his daily life, a person comes across many situations where he can choose to be GOD or Edge God Out. If one cannot find GOD in oneself, he will never find one at the temples. Be good, live well.



Written by Rakesh.

Nikhar
04-04-2010, 06:45 AM
Hey :)

Before I comment, I would like to point out that my opinions are purely personal and may differ from the opinions of the mass. Also, I am by no means a professional and the comments I make are just what I feel.

To begin with the good things about the piece, I really liked the theme behind the story. The idea was good.

But I'm sorry to say that this story had a few flaws. Don't misunderstand me.

Firstly, the style was too simple. I'm not saying simple style does not work. In fact, it's sometimes best to keep it simple. But it did not work for me in this particular piece.

I have been on this forum for quite some time now and learned quite a few things. One very important thing that I've learned is that a writer must make the readers see what they read, if you get my meaning. Unfortunately, your story could not do that.

And, never ever state the moral of the story explicitly until and unless you are writing it for Nursery kids. Again, you must make the reader understand it through the story.

Also, there were a few grammatical errors. But then, everyone makes them. And practice makes a man perfect.

Again, please do not feel bad. What I wrote was what I felt. As I said, I am an amateur myself.

But keep writing. You're sure to get better with each piece. :)

Nikhar
04-04-2010, 06:48 AM
Oh and also, maybe you should remove the link to your blog. I don't think mods here support any kind of links. Plus, you have the facility to blog on the forum. So, that link is basically unnecessary.

rakeshmallya
04-04-2010, 08:23 AM
@Nikhar Thank you so much. I will take what you said into consideration. I am happy that you said something like this.

I am new to this site. So, I did not know how to place my blog in forum. Can you give the steps?

Nikhar
04-05-2010, 08:14 AM
You're welcome. ;)

You should find the following links useful

http://online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=23208
http://online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=39428

And maybe you should read other short stories posted by people and read others' comments on it. That should help you. :)