403

[paperleaves]

There's something so unsettling about
coffee after nightmares.
They say that nightmares
are the most beneficial
lessons of the subconscious
because through the panic and the
struggle
we may prepare ourselves for what lies ahead.

if that's the case,
what a vestigial response nightmares are!
no dream prepares you for
the taunting grasp of love
that smothers you in the blanket of
the persistence of memory
no dali painting can save my soul
when I'm siphoned out of being
and nothingness,
making love in Sartre's grey kitchen
nauseated at the movements
too fast, too slow, too careful, too reckless
we are merely animals
who pretend to be the Übermensch

[PrinceMyshkin]

You are most certainly one Übermädchen! Lovely flow, as ever, throughout 403. Thanks

[carino]

Oh my goodness Paperleaves, Love it! "There is a consolation in the fact that even though your dreams do not come true, neither do your nightmares".

[Virgil]

Ooh, Paper, this seems different from your other works. I find it fascinating, wonderful integration of ideas and the physical. Some of the phrasing is quite rich: "vestigial response," "when I'm siphoned out of being," and "the taunting grasp of love." This phrase is a little awkward, "in the blanket of/the persistence of memory," though to be honest i like it.

If I had to recommend a section to work on, it would be this:

They say that nightmares
are the most beneficial
lessons of the subconscious
because through the panic and the
struggle
we may prepare ourselves for what lies ahead.
I agree you need a section like that as a transition, but what's there isn't all that profound really, if sort of cliche in a new age sort of way.

This is a really good one though. The openning hooked me from the beginning!

There's something so unsettling about
coffee after nightmares.
Wonderful!

[paperleaves]

Wow, folks, thank you so much! I honestly wrote this poem in about five minutes as a quick, venting blog entry but decided I wanted some feedback on it so I posted it here instead.

Thank you so much, PM, carino, and Virgil.
Virgil--I appreciate your feedback about the opening. If I were to revise it, there would definitely be work to make the entrance more eloquent. It is mostly just ranting since I was on a particularly angry philosophical diatribe at the moment which I wrote it :)

in loving kindness,
Kate

[toni]

Absolutely beautiful, paperleaves! I love the imagery and the referrences to Dali, Sartre and the Ubermensch. I'll definitely watch out for your pieces from now on.

[Babyguile]

Wow, folks, thank you so much! I honestly wrote this poem in about five minutes as a quick, venting blog entry but decided I wanted some feedback on it so I posted it here instead.

I wish I could write poems this (seemingly) naturally. I'm getting better at it though.

[blank|verse]

Interesting poem, paperleaves, with more than a hint of Prince's philosophical musings!

Like Virgil, I really like the first line – it's brilliantly arresting, that the coffee is more 'unsettling' than the nightmare. Then of course, it dawns that the coffee is a metonym for thinking about the meaning of the nightmare itself, and the implications of this disclosing of the subconscious, and the possible challenge to one's self-perception….

I think the weakness of the first stanza is that it reads more like a philosophical statement than it does poetry. I know you have a loose, free verse style, but I think some sense of order would help clarify and persuade the reader of your argument. And lines 2 and 3 both rhyme 'nightmares' which although perhaps unintentional, is very noticeable.

I'm not keen on the second stanza, overloaded with intertextual references; they're far too distracting and I found myself playing 'spot the reference' and forgetting what the argument of the poem is, which is a shame as the theme is such a febrile one.

However, as you said you wrote this quickly, I think that goes some way to explain it. I should concentrate on expressing your own ideas, rather than using the ideas of others as a crutch – you don't need it.

[lallison]

To me, the first stanza reads like an interesting journal entry. All you would need to do is get rid of the line breaks and it would fit nicely into a thought of the day.

I liked the first line because i can imagine someone waking from nightmares and sitting up drinking coffee, afraid that if she sleeps, the dream may become reality ala our heroin in Nightmare on Elm Street. I was also reminded of Nietzesche's famous line, "That which does not destroy me makes me stronger."

The nightmare its self is quite vivid and horrific. The allusions are interesting and add to the convolution of the second sequence. They are quite broad and lack any subtlety, but create a verse that seems to writhe with generalized anguish and scorn.