Lament of a Destroyed Man

[Pendragon]

Lament of a Destroyed Man

I started out with the very best of intentions,
Founded on faith, that’s what life is all about—
I stepped on some toes, and some time honored traditions
Before I knew it they all threw me out…
They all said that I was just teaching sedition—
That the things that I preached where not right things to do
They took all my words and then made many additions—
Twisting the truth like a pretzel in cue
I tried to hang on, although the words of cruelty burned me—
Still believing that truth was the right way to go
Trying to befriend the very people that spurned me
Fearful of what I might find if I just let it go
Truth is sometimes a long line of great paving stones
That line the broad pathway right straight to Hell’s Throne…

Pendragon
© Saturday, March 27, 2010

[PrinceMyshkin]

This is heart-wrenching, Pen, and of course one must infer that you feel rage about this but, somehow, I think an overt expression of that whiplash of that rage is required.

[lallison]

It's so good! I love the rhyme and the verse, so creative, but I hate, yeah, the title. I try to think of some literary meaning to it, but i can't. maybe its just me, wouldn't be the first time. Then the last two lines...maybe the second coming is now, but how can we appropriately deal with that creative problem?

[Pendragon]

This is heart-wrenching, Pen, and of course one must infer that you feel rage about this but, somehow, I think an overt expression of that whiplash of that rage is required.

My dear friend, you would not like to hear me express any further my true rage and feeling of betrayal... I'm not certain even I would want to hear it, much less say it...

[blank|verse]

You've got a strong idea here Pendragon, but I think the poetry lets it down.

My main comment would be that you have to watch your phrasing - there are too many redundant words that are unnecessarily repeated (called expletives).

Eg.

Before I knew it they all threw me out…
They all said that I was just teaching sedition—
That the things that I preached where not right things to do
There are too many 'they all's and 'that's.

I know you're trying to go for a colloquial, conversational tone and diction, but just try and keep the poetry tight as well. Poetry is the art of saying something once, I've heard it said.