heyalice
03-25-2010, 05:46 AM
Hey, this is my first story,
but i want lots and lots of feedback - good and bad!
please!
"Fade in - start the scene,
enter the beautiful girl.
But things are not what they seem;
as we stand on the edge of the world.
---The Spill Canvas.
Here lay a simple girl, and an amazing boy. Both taking pleasure from the others embrace, yet neither quite prepared for what was to come...
As she attempted to ready herself mentally, she just couldn't come to terms. She wanted it, she was sure, but something in her long ignored innocence chose to revive itself; just in time to fight for what little honour it had left. She hated that feeling, she wished it away, all the while trying to shake the sensations which were setting each of her nerves on fire.
She was shaking, and he could feel it;
"I won't do anything, if your not comfortable."
She doesn't reply, and an awkward silence thickens the air, as suffocating as black smoke. It could have been the disappointment, it could have been the choked feeling of the atmosphere, but something made that boy do exactly what she expected of him.
"I should probably go," he said.
And even though she had been anticipating it, suddenly a thousand different thoughts and possible responses filled her mind, before overflowing from her eyes as tears the strength of diamonds. And for a split second, she considered agreeing; considered letting him flee with no more damage than a scratch on the shiny surface of his ego. Meanwhile, she felt a clawing on the inside of her chest, where her heart happened to be beating on a razor-sharp edge.
Her mind racing, she snapped back to reality and before she could pause to contemplate, her mouth had already slipped.
"I knew you would say that."
What he said next was indistinguishable, however no amount of muttering could have covered the guilt and shame in his voice. Even so, he did not need to say a word; they both accepted that he regretted his suggestion, and the atmosphere changed from intensely awkward to hostile, but at least he had understood.
She wished that she wasn't scared, but she was.
She wanted him to hold her, tell her it's fine, and the world would be no different afterwards - and so he did.
She was happy as she started to relax, his enchanting hands rhythmically working on her tensed muscles. The atmosphere lightened as he felt her beginning to ease out of her frightened state, and suddenly she had made her decision - It was time.
She turns around, and kisses the boy who cared enough to stay. She kisses him with everything she feels; with fear, gratitude, love, lust - and slowly he catches the drift. He moves her onto her back, and she knew that this was it, there would be no turning back, but through the fear she was thankful, and through the fear she knew;
she loved him.
It was over so quickly, both inexperienced and clumsy as they breifly explored each other's bodies. But when it was over, she could not wipe the smile off her face, and that's when she knew it for sure;
she loved him.
but i want lots and lots of feedback - good and bad!
please!
"Fade in - start the scene,
enter the beautiful girl.
But things are not what they seem;
as we stand on the edge of the world.
---The Spill Canvas.
Here lay a simple girl, and an amazing boy. Both taking pleasure from the others embrace, yet neither quite prepared for what was to come...
As she attempted to ready herself mentally, she just couldn't come to terms. She wanted it, she was sure, but something in her long ignored innocence chose to revive itself; just in time to fight for what little honour it had left. She hated that feeling, she wished it away, all the while trying to shake the sensations which were setting each of her nerves on fire.
She was shaking, and he could feel it;
"I won't do anything, if your not comfortable."
She doesn't reply, and an awkward silence thickens the air, as suffocating as black smoke. It could have been the disappointment, it could have been the choked feeling of the atmosphere, but something made that boy do exactly what she expected of him.
"I should probably go," he said.
And even though she had been anticipating it, suddenly a thousand different thoughts and possible responses filled her mind, before overflowing from her eyes as tears the strength of diamonds. And for a split second, she considered agreeing; considered letting him flee with no more damage than a scratch on the shiny surface of his ego. Meanwhile, she felt a clawing on the inside of her chest, where her heart happened to be beating on a razor-sharp edge.
Her mind racing, she snapped back to reality and before she could pause to contemplate, her mouth had already slipped.
"I knew you would say that."
What he said next was indistinguishable, however no amount of muttering could have covered the guilt and shame in his voice. Even so, he did not need to say a word; they both accepted that he regretted his suggestion, and the atmosphere changed from intensely awkward to hostile, but at least he had understood.
She wished that she wasn't scared, but she was.
She wanted him to hold her, tell her it's fine, and the world would be no different afterwards - and so he did.
She was happy as she started to relax, his enchanting hands rhythmically working on her tensed muscles. The atmosphere lightened as he felt her beginning to ease out of her frightened state, and suddenly she had made her decision - It was time.
She turns around, and kisses the boy who cared enough to stay. She kisses him with everything she feels; with fear, gratitude, love, lust - and slowly he catches the drift. He moves her onto her back, and she knew that this was it, there would be no turning back, but through the fear she was thankful, and through the fear she knew;
she loved him.
It was over so quickly, both inexperienced and clumsy as they breifly explored each other's bodies. But when it was over, she could not wipe the smile off her face, and that's when she knew it for sure;
she loved him.