Spastic

[Genericname]

This is really short story. It is my first attempt at fiction in a while. Any criticisms are welcome.

Spastic

We got on at Glasgow central, with wine in our blood and more in our hands. Life is always better with blurred vision.
In between Glasgow and Ayr the spastic got on. He shuffled with bent legs and a flat face. He looked round with an empty expression then sat down. In seconds we were treating him like a freak. He stared at us without emotion. He was letting us have our fun, or so I suspected.
“Is this the Ayr train?” he ventured.
“It’s the only train that goes through there mate.” Josh said.
“I’m sorry. I don’t live there. I was visiting my mum.” His head fell and his voiced disappeared; losing any social ability he’d acquired. Josh began mocking him. The bottles emptied and the stares became more resentful. The inebriation was enough to keep us callous and unafraid of onlookers.
“Hey mate! Hey spastic! Where does your mum live? She fit?” Josh said.
“What do you mean?”
“You know, she hot?”
“She was pretty. She’s dead now though.”
In a flash I felt my idiocy washed away.
“I’m sorry. I’m sure she’s in a better place though.”
“What? You mean the ground.”
“No. Like heaven.”
“I don’t think so. She’s in the ground.”

[em onty]

Very striking. I like it.

"He looked round with an empty expression then sat down. In seconds we were treating him like a freak. He stared at us without emotion. He was letting us have our fun, or so I suspected.
“Is this the Ayr train?” he ventured."

This bit seems a bit confused. You don't explain how you were treating him like a freak before he asks the question. Also, the "letting us have our fun" ... Is that meant to imply he was rising above it, or cowed by it?

But otherwise very powerful.

[Genericname]

Very striking. I like it.

"He looked round with an empty expression then sat down. In seconds we were treating him like a freak. He stared at us without emotion. He was letting us have our fun, or so I suspected.
“Is this the Ayr train?” he ventured."

This bit seems a bit confused. You don't explain how you were treating him like a freak before he asks the question. Also, the "letting us have our fun" ... Is that meant to imply he was rising above it, or cowed by it?

But otherwise very powerful.

I'm just up so this reply will probably be just as confused. I personally hated that bit, but I'm in the process of redrafting. It was originally sent as part of a folio and I had a ridiculously word count, leading to a lot of material being chopped. I don't think I wanted to represent him as rising above it or cowering away. He is just not affected by any of their badgering, disappointing the other characters.

[TheBearJew]

I really liked it. One of my biggest issues as a writer is word limits, so it's nice to read a short piece so striking. I wish we knew a little more about what was going on, as I didn't understand exactly what was so spastic about the guy, and I think it would add to have some background for your characters'. Perhaps where they're journeying to, as a contrast to the spastic mans' travelling purpose.

Anyway, what do I know? Well done.

[speedemon87]

Really like this. It shows how some people can act immature sometimes but they're not total idiots and they do feel bad for things they've said/thought after they find something out about someone.

I like how the spastic keeps things simple almost child like. "No, she's in the ground." It's really good.

[Steven Hunley]

This was good. It could be better. I like the limits you've placed on it. Keep working, it's insightful for so young an author.

[Rores28]

I like this because you said a lot without saying a lot. The opener is very nice but I swear I've heard it somewhere before. Not accusing you of conscious plagiarizing, but it just seems very familiar to me. The dialogue felt very realistic.

I think I like the title the spastic though and I even like that his spasticity isn't really discussed besides calling him spastic. I think what's nice about the title is that it of course doubles talking about the narrator and friends who spastically chide and ridicule on sheer impulse almost without conscious thought or consideration. This ties the narrator to the "spastic" making his later decision to apologize or connect more poignant.

[Captain Pike]

I'm pressing the down button, but there is no more. I often stop before the end, but not with your little piece here. Either it is good or just short.

[Steven Hunley]

Trust the Captain. He's the one in charge. He know it when he sees it.

[Genericname]

Thanks for all the kind words. I find it hard to keep myself motivated and have sporadic access to the internet, so I haven't been able to log on for a while. This is all encouraging and once I'm suitable recovered from my weekend binge I will be able to make coherent a coherent response. In reply to the Captain, that is all there is. I rewrote it and made it longer, but ultimately felt the piece was destroyed. Less is more in my opinion.