neilbullett
03-23-2010, 09:46 AM
Hi Guys - I am currently completing a short story module at college and have never written one before. The added problem is we only have 700 words!! Could you look at the below and giove me some feedback positive and negative would be great.
Thanks
Neil
The bottle
… How could this happen? The quietness of the house dawned on Billy as he slowly opened the back door. He expected the familiar noise of his sister screaming or the annoying non recognisable music, which interfered with everyone’s peace which she continually played, but today there was nothing, not a sound. On entering the kitchen he faintly heard the sound of the clock with its distinguishable tick tick tick. It instantly transported him back to the times when he was told to sit at the table until he had finished his meal. He often stared at the clock with all his thoughts whirling around his head unable to fully understand his emotions and waiting for it to finally explode. Eventually he noticed a bottle, he knew what it was but he could not resist as his father had always strictly forbidden him to touch it. In all of his long 9 years he was not the type of child to listen to anyone in fact he was surprised to have reached 9…
“What have you done you stupid boy?” Helen said when she first saw Billy with his head over the toilet bowel. You could tell straight away she was not the caring sister type. She had never approved of Billy and never shown him any love. Being the only daughter in the family she felt secure with her place however three years later this mistake comes into the world with a bang. Helen received no reply from her brother which was common with their relationship and thought nothing much of it so proceeded up to her bedroom. How could no one help him? Billy thought whilst lights flashed past his eyes, his head spinning out of control like a waltzer whilst vomiting with uncontrollable violence. This was it he thought for a moment, he had escaped the eating of the fire lighters and the eating of raw yeast but for once Billy was scared and alone not knowing what to do.
Suddenly Helen appeared unaware that he was very ill and this was not one of his usual tricks of seeking attention. She started to panic unaware of how to resolve the situation which was unfolding in front of her. She was the big sister but felt for a moment like a child who had started her first day at school. What was she going to do? She felt the blood drain from her face with the realisation that this was serious. At first she started to slap Billy around the face with great conviction. This felt natural to her as she had never really liked her brother but she could feel the sense of urgency as she looked at him slipping away from her. Who would she argue with enter her moment for a second before returning to the grave situation in front of her.
Helen could hear a familiar sound outside and at once knew instantly that she had been saved by her elder brother, Pat. She ran screaming outside to confront him to make him aware of what had happened. She tried to explain what she knew, which was very little, all she knew was that Billy had been sick and was not making any sense when speaking. Helen had always played second best to her younger sibling and had always distanced herself from him. She felt it ironic that it was her that was left to deal with the pain and suffering she could see in Billy’s face.. Eventually sensing the imminent danger Pat scooped Billy in his arms like a father who had just been passed his first child for the first time. He drove at such speed it was clear to all that he needed to be some where urgently. He had now accepted the responsibility for Billy’s wellbeing albeit one that on reflection he would prefer not to have seen. He turned quickly to ensure that Billy was still breathing and to his horror he had started to turn blue.
Thanks
Neil
The bottle
… How could this happen? The quietness of the house dawned on Billy as he slowly opened the back door. He expected the familiar noise of his sister screaming or the annoying non recognisable music, which interfered with everyone’s peace which she continually played, but today there was nothing, not a sound. On entering the kitchen he faintly heard the sound of the clock with its distinguishable tick tick tick. It instantly transported him back to the times when he was told to sit at the table until he had finished his meal. He often stared at the clock with all his thoughts whirling around his head unable to fully understand his emotions and waiting for it to finally explode. Eventually he noticed a bottle, he knew what it was but he could not resist as his father had always strictly forbidden him to touch it. In all of his long 9 years he was not the type of child to listen to anyone in fact he was surprised to have reached 9…
“What have you done you stupid boy?” Helen said when she first saw Billy with his head over the toilet bowel. You could tell straight away she was not the caring sister type. She had never approved of Billy and never shown him any love. Being the only daughter in the family she felt secure with her place however three years later this mistake comes into the world with a bang. Helen received no reply from her brother which was common with their relationship and thought nothing much of it so proceeded up to her bedroom. How could no one help him? Billy thought whilst lights flashed past his eyes, his head spinning out of control like a waltzer whilst vomiting with uncontrollable violence. This was it he thought for a moment, he had escaped the eating of the fire lighters and the eating of raw yeast but for once Billy was scared and alone not knowing what to do.
Suddenly Helen appeared unaware that he was very ill and this was not one of his usual tricks of seeking attention. She started to panic unaware of how to resolve the situation which was unfolding in front of her. She was the big sister but felt for a moment like a child who had started her first day at school. What was she going to do? She felt the blood drain from her face with the realisation that this was serious. At first she started to slap Billy around the face with great conviction. This felt natural to her as she had never really liked her brother but she could feel the sense of urgency as she looked at him slipping away from her. Who would she argue with enter her moment for a second before returning to the grave situation in front of her.
Helen could hear a familiar sound outside and at once knew instantly that she had been saved by her elder brother, Pat. She ran screaming outside to confront him to make him aware of what had happened. She tried to explain what she knew, which was very little, all she knew was that Billy had been sick and was not making any sense when speaking. Helen had always played second best to her younger sibling and had always distanced herself from him. She felt it ironic that it was her that was left to deal with the pain and suffering she could see in Billy’s face.. Eventually sensing the imminent danger Pat scooped Billy in his arms like a father who had just been passed his first child for the first time. He drove at such speed it was clear to all that he needed to be some where urgently. He had now accepted the responsibility for Billy’s wellbeing albeit one that on reflection he would prefer not to have seen. He turned quickly to ensure that Billy was still breathing and to his horror he had started to turn blue.