Reflection

[Hawkman]

I have been born aloft on wings
My face in contact with the sky
Breathed the thin air of infinity
And come back safely to the ground.

I have walked the hills in sun and rain
Swum with fish in mountain streams
Felt the icy tingle of the water on my skin
And slept beneath the trees in Autumn.

I have sailed the oceans and the seas
Been tossed about in hurricanes
Becalmed upon mindless eddies of time
I have known love.

Now look at me...

[Babyguile]

:)

This reminded me of a poem you'de find in a conceptual poetry collection where the poet writes poems about one thing and which are meant to be read back to front like a novel. For example the collection might follow two peoples relationship from the innocent and beautiful beginning to the tumultuous and sad ending. I'm honestly not sure how well this poem stands, in terms of having a meaning of any kind, on it's own.

I like to interpret this poem as a riddle? As in '...who am I'? I'd say a rock, I can see this poem working nicely :) And of course from this you can build the metaphors for yourself and find deeper meaning in it.

hmmm

Thanks for sharing.

[AuntShecky]

Your poem seems like the "same old, same old" conventional, greeting card verse UNTIL we reach the concluding line, which wakes us up and defies expectations.

Great punchline!

[Hawkman]

The Dave:

Thanks for your comments. I'm not sure if you really get it yet but you seem to be on your way. Anyway, we tend to interpret things according to our own lights.

Hi Auntie:

Glad it got you going... H

[Bar22do]

Hi, I don't know if/how this one works for me, I find the most interesting in it what you left unsaid. So the power lies in your last line.
I would compress the rest to no more than four lines or so (and avoid the nostalgic tone)... (ah, a typo in S1L4 - you wanted "came back" not "come back", I think, since it is all in the past).
But - it's a pleasure to read you always.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Oh, man, I HATE this poem - because of that last line! HOW am I to look at you now; what am I to imagine I'd see?

The 1/2 line before it might have achieved all that you wanted, that orphan line, that shortfall that would force us back on the pathos of the past imperfect (or AUNTY: should that be "past continuous?), you have known love but, implicitly, know it no longer.

[Hawkman]

Hi Bar,

English is a confusing language I’m afraid. What you have picked up on as a typo, or mistake in grammar, isn’t.

If you take the first the first line: I have been born aloft on wings, it establishes a tense, the ‘have’ being the operative part.

In English, one can say, I have come… which (I think) is a present imperfect tense. Or one can say, ‘I came,’ which (I think) is past participle. You’d be better off asking Aunt Shecky about the parts of speech as I can never remember the technical terms.

However, one can not say, ‘I have came...’

But thanks for your comments.

My Prince, It has been said, or nearly said, that you can please some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but not all of the people all of the time. So I guess it’s time. (You should remember that I always hit heavy with irony and humour) so I’m sorry you don’t like it. I wonder what you’d have made of my re writing of Beowulf…. (haven’t finished it yet)

H

[qimissung]

It took me several readings but I like what you've written, even the conventional love poem aspect of it. When paired with your sudden, unexpected ending you have created something in which we can all recognize ourselves at one time or another.

[Bar22do]

of course, and sorry!, I haven't noticed the tense of your first line! mea culpa!

[PrinceMyshkin]

My apologies if I was a bit, er, um, abusive in my previous response to your poem - and I see that no one else has had the problem I did with that last line, so maybe I was wrong? It has happened before, once in February '75.

[blank|verse]

I'll back you up on not liking that last line, Prince - it draws too much attention to itself (ironically, it does say of itself 'look at me'!) and would work a lot better if it were part of the rest of the poem.

The free verse style works well and the three or four-beat lines (I would say) are nicely balanced, something helped by the appearance of a verb in most of them, meaning they're complete clauses.

But I think you should change the ending. It's too self-pitying, if you don't mind my saying and, as Prince suggested, could be implied in the previous line, to greater effect, than spelt out in its own little stanza.

[Hawkman]

Hi PM, The poem is deliberately ambiguous. There are two ways it may be read, at least by my intention. One is the ironical (although BV has interpreted it as self-pitying). The other is associated with the attitude of the young to the old. (Though being only middle aged, perhaps I’m not yet old enough to qualify in my own right.) For the most part, the young just see the old as if they were born old. So what I am saying is, I was young once and led an active life – I have all this experience, now take another look at me.

So thank you both for your comments, but the poem says exactly what I want it to say in exactly the way I wanted to say it, so I think I’ll leave it as it is.

Just for you PM:

The glider’s been retired
Of only wood and canvas
It may have cracked apart
It didn’t have a canopy

I used to be more active
Now I’m two stone overweight
I’ve got a gammy knee
And I don’t get out a lot

I used to be a sailor
Now I never go to sea
It always made me ill
Not much cop those pills

Bar, don't worry about it, I'm just pleased you took the time to read it.

Qim, thanks, I'm happy that it resonates with you.

love to all - H

[PrinceMyshkin]

Hi PM, The poem is deliberately ambiguous. There are two ways it may be read, at least by my intention. One is the ironical (although BV has interpreted it as self-pitying). The other is associated with the attitude of the young to the old. (Though being only middle aged, perhaps I’m not yet old enough to qualify in my own right.) For the most part, the young just see the old as if they were born old. So what I am saying is, I was young once and led an active life – I have all this experience, now take another look at me.

So thank you both for your comments, but the poem says exactly what I want it to say in exactly the way I wanted to say it, so I think I’ll leave it as it is.

Just for you PM:

The glider’s been retired
Of only wood and canvas
It may have cracked apart
It didn’t have a canopy

I used to be more active
Now I’m two stone overweight
I’ve got a gammy knee
And I don’t get out a lot

I used to be a sailor
Now I never go to sea
It always made me ill
Not much cop those pills

Well, I've had a look at you now, and what I see is a mature dude, respectful of others, with a lively wit, a sense of fun and a good deal of warmth.

What I still don't see when I look at you now is someone who belies he has known love but is unlikely ever to know it again. QNED!

[Buh4Bee]

This poem got quite a bit of attention. I also liked it, but I actually liked what TheDave had to say about this poem being part of a collection.
The title and the last line pull it together for me. Is it the best poem I ever read, no, but written for a beloved, it's wonderful.

[Hawkman]

Hi jersea,

It just goes to reiterate what I keep saying. People find what they are looking for in the words, and what they are looking for depends on them.

Once the words escape the pen, the author has no control over how they are interpreted. I guess that’s why wars get fought over clauses in treaties.

For a poet, however, it is enough that his words are read.

Thanks - H

[Babyguile]

Hawkman, nothing you have said in defense of the poems artistic merit is new to me and therefore I still think you should listen to what we have to say: we are poets also. Even if you don't want to (and I know that feeling well) :)

Now that you've explained the meaning to us I said 'ah of course' and it's a beautiful poem and you effectively communicate the series of hyperboles as representing the old man/woman's life UNTIL we get to the last line and it just sounds horrible. Nothing less than horrible. That line was written for a different kind of poem. It does not belong in this poem. It's too static a line for you to expect the reader to latch on to what you intended it to mean.

Take it or leave it, I just respect what you're trying to say with this poem. Take it or leave it.

[psychofemale]

this is beautiful!