Untitled #1

[Abras]

My first poem I post here and I don't give it a name? Ugh. I almost always name my poems -- that is, on the few occasions on which I write them -- but this time, a name just didn't come, and, in this case, I prefer it that way. Me? I think this poem is the bee's knees. I even like the way it looks; and I like that it's all one sentence. Nevertheless, please do tear it apart if you feel so inclined! :driving: (I'm sure those smiley icons get annoying but that one was too cute to resist)


Untiled #1
It is 12 o'clock noon in the countryside,
And nothing of worth has been done:
The cows are not milked,
The cheese is not hung,
– A weakling would call it a day –
But the ones newly risen
Know not of such prisons
While enjoying the singe of the Sun,
The burnings and turnings of the high-level'd Orb,
The trees and the grass of the One.

[Bar22do]

My first poem I post here and I don't give it a name? Ugh. I almost always name my poems -- that is, on the few occasions on which I write them -- but this time, a name just didn't come, and, in this case, I prefer it that way. Me? I think this poem is the bee's knees. I even like the way it looks; and I like that it's all one sentence. Nevertheless, please do tear it apart if you feel so inclined! :driving: (I'm sure those smiley icons get annoying but that one was too cute to resist)


Untiled #1
It is 12 o'clock noon in the countryside,
And nothing of worth has been done:
The cows are not milked,
The cheese is not hung,
– A weakling would call it a day –
But the ones newly risen
Know not of such prisons
While enjoying the singe of the Sun,
The burnings and turnings of the high-level'd Orb,
The trees and the grass of the One.

Who is the One? reads like the Almighty, up there and everywhere? If you're so enthusiastic about it, what else can I do than share! Enjoy writing poetry!

[Abras]

Yes, "the One" in this poem is meant to be God, the Almighty, the Lord, etc. etc. In fact, I am very much an atheist, but I'm certainly not the first of my kind to earnestly hope for an all-seeing, all-powerful, benevolent being in the sky. So my heart says "Yes!' while my mind says "No." Regarding religion, I try to be open, and generally avoid confrontation. And certainly, I hope people -- both believers and nonbelievers -- see more in this poem than just "God! God! God!" Is there a God? Honestly, isn't that topic a little talked out! :p

Also, the "high-level'd Orb" is meant to be the firmament; that is, the spherical shell that envelopes the Sun and the planets -- at least that's what many ancient and medieval scholars believed. In their eyes, there was a really strong light from outside of the firmament, and the stars were simply holes in the firmament that let in some of this light. I have been fascinated by this theory ever since I heard of it. Antiquated and silly, perhaps, in today's eyes, it nevertheless makes some sense, and it demonstrates a lot of long, hard thinking about and trying to understand the Universe. The somewhat antiquated spelling of "level'd" is in keeping with the spirit of the line.

[Revolte]

My first poem I post here and I don't give it a name? Ugh. I almost always name my poems -- that is, on the few occasions on which I write them -- but this time, a name just didn't come, and, in this case, I prefer it that way. Me? I think this poem is the bee's knees. I even like the way it looks; and I like that it's all one sentence. Nevertheless, please do tear it apart if you feel so inclined! :driving: (I'm sure those smiley icons get annoying but that one was too cute to resist)


Untiled #1
It is 12 o'clock noon in the countryside,
And nothing of worth has been done:
The cows are not milked,
The cheese is not hung,
– A weakling would call it a day –
But the ones newly risen
Know not of such prisons
While enjoying the singe of the Sun,
The burnings and turnings of the high-level'd Orb,
The trees and the grass of the One.

I really liked this, it painted a picture with ease. If it really is rare that you write a poem, you should make it more common, I'd love to read more.

[Hawkman]

I like this too, Its got an Edward Lear, Lewis Carrol, nonsense feel, which is very amusing and engaging. Nice one.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Yes, "the One" in this poem is meant to be God, the Almighty, the Lord, etc. etc. In fact, I am very much an atheist, but I'm certainly not the first of my kind to earnestly hope for an all-seeing, all-powerful, benevolent being in the sky. So my heart says "Yes!' while my mind says "No." Regarding religion, I try to be open, and generally avoid confrontation. And certainly, I hope people -- both believers and nonbelievers -- see more in this poem than just "God! God! God!" Is there a God? Honestly, isn't that topic a little talked out! :p

I'm reminded by the foregoing of Julian Barnes' poignant statement: "I don't believe in God, but I miss Him!"


Also, the "high-level'd Orb" is meant to be the firmament; that is, the spherical shell that envelopes the Sun and the planets -- at least that's what many ancient and medieval scholars believed. In their eyes, there was a really strong light from outside of the firmament, and the stars were simply holes in the firmament that let in some of this light. I have been fascinated by this theory ever since I heard of it. Antiquated and silly, perhaps, in today's eyes, it nevertheless makes some sense, and it demonstrates a lot of long, hard thinking about and trying to understand the Universe. The somewhat antiquated spelling of "level'd" is in keeping with the spirit of the line.

1) It's a fine poem!
2) That you think it's the "bee's knees" is all to your credit. Why write a poem (or offer yourself to anyone) if you're not head over heels in love with it/her/him.
3) Do this one the honour of producing a sibling for it.

[Abras]

I'm reminded by the foregoing of Julian Barnes' poignant statement: "I don't believe in God, but I miss Him!"

I rather like that quote. It sums up how a lot of people feel, in just nine words. Thanks for sharing.

And thank you, everyone, for the kind words. I am pleasantly surprised that your response has been so positive. I will attempt to go once more unto the breach, my friends -- that is, I will write at least one more poem. I have been doing this -- writing poetry -- for about a year, and have only produced around a dozen poems; I like none other as much as the above. "Untitled #1" just tumbled out, one night, all in one lump. I will surely never know the secret (there [probably] is no secret) of writing poetry. It's a perplexing thing, this "Inspiration," but junior scientist that I am, I will keep trying to crack the nut.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I rather like that quote. It sums up how a lot of people feel, in just nine words. Thanks for sharing.

And thank you, everyone, for the kind words. I am pleasantly surprised that your response has been so positive. I will attempt to go once more unto the breach, my friends -- that is, I will write at least one more poem. I have been doing this -- writing poetry -- for about a year, and have only produced around a dozen poems; I like none other as much as the above. "Untitled #1" just tumbled out, one night, all in one lump. I will surely never know the secret (there [probably] is no secret) of writing poetry. It's a perplexing thing, this "Inspiration," but junior scientist that I am, I will keep trying to crack the nut.

Many, I suspect, at least half "crack" it, one way or the other. For me it happens (for good or ill) as often as it does precisely because my brain has been operating in that mode for some time and, for want of better words, my subconscious or muse is at work even when I'm not requiring it to. The poems I'm happiest with often begin with a line or two that is/are mysterious to me but have the smell or beat of poetry and as best I can manage that I work initially in a trance-like state, leaving it to my editorial self to work over what turns up, which provides a quite different sort of pleasure.

I do sense from the way you comment, that there will be one or two more poems, soon, and that the writing of them will set the stage for one or two more... Think of it, if that suits your temperament, as a noble sort of play.

Best wishes.

[Abras]

I did it! I wrote another poem: PrinceMyshkin, I think you were right. A self-fulfilling prophecy, obviously, but Reason, don't spoil my fun.

On another note, I never expected to write a poem even remotely about my cat. But well, here it is: The following poem is lovingly dedicated to Mr. Meowsy, my cat

The black cat at the end of my bed
I went up to my room
and turned on the lights
to experience the feeling of gladness
that only can come
on a day so glum
from a brightly-lit room
a bagel
a lover
a friend

[PrinceMyshkin]

I did it! I wrote another poem: PrinceMyshkin, I think you were right. A self-fulfilling prophecy, obviously, but Reason, don't spoil my fun.

On another note, I never expected to write a poem even remotely about my cat. But well, here it is: The following poem is lovingly dedicated to Mr. Meowsy, my cat

The black cat at the end of my bed
I went up to my room
and turned on the lights
to experience the feeling of gladness
that only can come
on a day so glum
from a brightly-lit room
a bagel
a lover
a friend

I like it very much EXCEPT for the too obvious "come/glum" rhyme, which would be too jingly in any case but stands out here because it's the only rhyming couplet.

On the other hand, I very much like the movement in the final three lines from something as matter of fact as a bagel through the more significant final two items..

[Abras]

I completely agree. I went through three versions of the "on a day so glum" line and I don't like any of them. It is the only line in the poem with which I had any major problems. Eventually, I just decided to throw that one in there, but nothing gets past you. :rofl: It seems (even more) out of place, probably because I removed the two lines in bold below.

I went up to my room
and turned on the lights
--there is one over my head,
one next to my bed--

Maybe the two lines you mention should suffer the same fate -- they just seem out of place -- but I hesitate. I'm open to suggestions and of course I'll keep thinking about it.

Today is very gray, foggy, and cold. I could feel myself drifting into a slight depression. Even the poems written by others here, even the "happy" ones, seemed to have a lead lining. So I wanted to write a poem that was unconditionally happy, to cheer me up -- and maybe it would have a similar effect on someone else. So I did exactly as the poem says and when I finished it and felt much better for it, I noticed my cat, curled up at the bottom of my bed. I began to think that, hey, maybe the whole poem was about him: curled up in the shape of a bagel, a friend who "loves" me unconditionally; that's where I got the title.