How do I keep from spoiling my child?

[Katy North]

My 2 1/2 year old is adorable and I love him to pieces. What's more, I personally love playing with little boy toys with him, so I frequently buy him little toys as treats. So far this hasn't been a problem, as the toys just "magically" appear, but as he grows older I don't want him thinking that he has a right to everything he sees, especially as I'm starting to take him shopping with me more often...

I know there are much more experianced parents on this forum, so I wanted to ask... do you think I'm spoiling my son? How can I teach him not only to behave like a little gentleman (saying please and thank you, which we've already taught him), but to think like one too (asking nicely for things, not demanding or insisting, and not throwing a tantrum if Mommy or Daddy says no)?

:idea:

[JuniperWoolf]

Well, I'm not a parent but when I was a kid I liked playing outside with sticks/rocks/puddles/leaves/whatever WAY more than toys. If you take him outside and play with the things that everyone gets for free, I guess he'd respect and love nature more and he wouldn't grow to be very materialistic and see you as a way to get stuff since he already has all of the stuff that he needs right outside.

[BienvenuJDC]

Everything in moderation.

As parents we also much show the example of self control...do we buy everything that we want for ourselves.

1) Set up a play area/room. There is only a certain amount of room for toys (gauge the area per age), if new toys are wanted, then old toys must be sacrificed.
2) Make them earn toys...maybe not the actual value. Respect and good behavior, performing duties, etc. Light a candle for a certain toy. When the candle is burnt down, then they get the toy. But any misbehavior will merit the candle being blown out for the day.

Be creative in ways to teach them that we must 'earn' what we have.

[The Comedian]

My kids are just a little older than yours (3 & 5) and, regardless of how you treat them, you'll still have to deal with tantrums and whining about this or that. But, generally, it sounds like you might be a little too indulgent; like adults, the more kids get, the more they want and expect.

One thing that I use that works pretty well with my kids is that I am unwavering and threaten only once or twice before I move to discipline. Once your kid learns to talk (he's probably pretty close if not there already), he'll start to negotiate with you. With my first girl, I gave in sometimes. Big mistake. All that meant was constant negotiating about everything. Now, when I say "no" -- or "maybe for your birthday" or some such thing, there is nothing that can be said or done that will change my mind. And, the "gentlemanly thinking" has greatly improved -- still, there are bits of whining and tantrums, but they're infrequent.

And when I say "one more whine about gum, and you'll lose your book privileges tonight" -- the slightest peep about "gum" and "Whamo!" Privileges gone. This sounds harsh, but as I'm sure you know, effective discipline is not really to designed curb current poor behavior; it's to prevent future poor behavior.

Wow, reading over this make me sound like a dictator, but I'm really not. I've just found that it's really important for kids to know that you mean what you say when you're serious. If this is established, then, well, most of the time you don't really have to be that serious. :crazy:

Hope this helps!

[soundofmusic]

What I've noticed, over the years, with my daughter and friends children is that children have a very strong instinct of whether their parents are buying toys out of love or to make up for a lack of time. You can be sure that if you are buying little Jane or Johnnie that tricycle because you had to work 60 hours this week; he will squeal until your guilt is overwhelming and you have ran up your credit card. This happened to me in the days when I worked nights and my social life took precidence over motherhood.
On the other hand, I love toys, I liked playing with my daughter and when we visited the store and purchased items for the fun of it, there was never a problem.
I might suggest:
1. Let your child know, no matter how old they are, that you're on a budget: "Isn't it nice, mommy paid all the bills this week so she can buy this tractor"...Never let them think you are just holding out to be mean.
2. Keep a list of the items the child really likes, and let them know that you will make the effort to purchase them when affordable; or if you will not be able to afford them
3. Let them make up birthday and Christmas lists, and reward them with the things they admired...I used to give my daughter the choice of a birthday party or shopping spree when she was 6 or 7; mom got out of entertaining because she inevitably chose the shopping spree:hurray:

[AimusSage]

Yeah, children, more devious than they are given credit for... ;)

I used reverse psychology when I was a little kiddo bugger, worked like a charm, well, so I thought until I realized my parents were even better at it than I was, so then I made it a rule to become even more devious, manipulating my parents whenever I had a chance... :lol:

Too bad I had good parents that didn't give in and only gave me something when I deserved it. Even though I never grew out of the manipulative behaviour, I like to think I grew up well. Comedian said it well.

I do not agree completely with sound of music, just because you can afford a gift doesn't mean you have to give it to them, let them earn it with good behaviour, otherwise they will come to expect gifts whenever, also, keeping a list of things they like isn't a bad thing, but letting them know you'll get it as soon as you can? No, that's just wrong, give it to them for something they did, as a reward, not as something you just happen to be able to afford. They will see through the ruse that it is more for you than for the kid.

And then, occasionally, but really only occasionally, give them something out of love, sure, but discipline is not earned through gifts, There are many ways to spoil a child, gifts are but one of them, giving them too much attention is another.

It's just a big balancing act, too much, too little neither works, and no kiddo is the same, so find that balance and stick to it vigorously.

Not that I am an expert. Personally I can't stand children, too devious for my taste. :) (whoever said children are honest is blind, they've just not had that much practice at lying.)

[blazeofglory]

In fact there are no certain rules about bringing up kids and every mother is a perfect judge. Of course one can come across so many books, articles advising
childcare but all they are out-shined when a mother uses her all tools she has learned automatically. Even a wild animal in the wilderness knows how to tend its babies perfectly.

It is of course natural to like what your child likes and I too had gathered a passion for comic books.I bought plenty of comic books and I myself not left un-read them.
Now coming to the question of keeping children controlling it is just a demanding task. People taking restraint measures fail in rearing up babies. Babes of course have the capacity for understanding their parents and they can be sensitized. Of course there can be an art of convincing a baby of good and bad things and channeling their desires or influential the way we want and this is called the art of cultivation and all we need is not knowledge but patience and endeavor. Of course we must keep our streams of emotions in check all the time

[Katy North]

My kids are just a little older than yours (3 & 5) and, regardless of how you treat them, you'll still have to deal with tantrums and whining about this or that. But, generally, it sounds like you might be a little too indulgent; like adults, the more kids get, the more they want and expect.

One thing that I use that works pretty well with my kids is that I am unwavering and threaten only once or twice before I move to discipline. Once your kid learns to talk (he's probably pretty close if not there already), he'll start to negotiate with you. With my first girl, I gave in sometimes. Big mistake. All that meant was constant negotiating about everything. Now, when I say "no" -- or "maybe for your birthday" or some such thing, there is nothing that can be said or done that will change my mind. And, the "gentlemanly thinking" has greatly improved -- still, there are bits of whining and tantrums, but they're infrequent.

And when I say "one more whine about gum, and you'll lose your book privileges tonight" -- the slightest peep about "gum" and "Whamo!" Privileges gone. This sounds harsh, but as I'm sure you know, effective discipline is not really to designed curb current poor behavior; it's to prevent future poor behavior.

Wow, reading over this make me sound like a dictator, but I'm really not. I've just found that it's really important for kids to know that you mean what you say when you're serious. If this is established, then, well, most of the time you don't really have to be that serious. :crazy:

Hope this helps!

You don't sound like a dictator... this thread is really making me realize that I do need to start working out a better form of discipline with my son... he's still easily distracted but the whining is starting to take hold with him, though right now it's mostly revolving around foodstuffs (for some reason he has a fixation with "cheeseburgers" and "coffee"... we don't eat fast food often and he only drank coffee once but apparently these foods have had a big impact on his short life... :goof:)


Make them earn toys...maybe not the actual value. Respect and good behavior, performing duties, etc. Light a candle for a certain toy. When the candle is burnt down, then they get the toy. But any misbehavior will merit the candle being blown out for the day.

Good idea Bien...

[Scheherazade]

I agree with Blaze that, unfortunately, there is no one single set of instructions that would work for all children...
though right now it's mostly revolving around foodstuffs (for some reason he has a fixation with "cheeseburgers" and "coffee"... we don't eat fast food often and he only drank coffee once but apparently these foods have had a big impact on his short life... :goof:)Do you mean he is insisting that he should have cheeseburgers and coffee? If that is the case, is it possible that he is aware of the fact that you do not like him to have those things and is simply trying to press your buttons? If you firmly explain it to him that cheeseburgers are to be treats and coffee is not an option (assuming that he is too young to have it :)), you can make him grow out of it... However, being firm and consistent are always the key, I believe.

[The Atheist]

In fact there are no certain rules about bringing up kids and every mother is a perfect judge.

I'd have to disagree pretty strongly with this.

Many mothers are in jail for killing their children. Even more have had kids taken from them or hospitalised for neglect and/or abuse.

Mother isn't a synonym for "good".


My 2 1/2 year old is adorable and I love him to pieces. What's more, I personally love playing with little boy toys with him, so I frequently buy him little toys as treats. So far this hasn't been a problem, as the toys just "magically" appear, but as he grows older I don't want him thinking that he has a right to everything he sees, especially as I'm starting to take him shopping with me more often...

It's the giving in to requests/demands which is more of a problem, although I think you should limit the surprise gifts to once every month or two. Half a dozen special treats for no reason is no harm.


How can I teach him not only to behave like a little gentleman (saying please and thank you, which we've already taught him),...

Reward & penalty. Simple.


...but to think like one too (asking nicely for things, not demanding or insisting, and not throwing a tantrum if Mommy or Daddy says no)?

:idea:


Still applies - he'll modify his behaviour and build connections in his brain which will keep working.

[soundofmusic]

I am trying to figure out if most parents are raising sociopaths. I have noticed lately that my friends buy everything they like, go wherever they want, "We earned it; all our 10 month old baby does is sit around" :rolleyes5:
Do any of you remember what it was like to be a child...it truly sucks. Why should a child earn anything when it is our sexual pleasure that brought them here in the first place:nonod:

[Gladys]

...when I was a kid I liked playing outside with sticks/rocks/puddles/leaves/whatever WAY more than toys.

To 'buy him little toys as treats' or to feed his 'fixation with "cheeseburgers" and "coffee"' is the perfect way to teach a child what to value in later life. And, of course, many a parent values such things!


Yeah, children, more devious than they are given credit for...

Little children are, more or less, exactly what parents train them to be. Devious parents breed devious children: honest parents, honest children. Like parent, like child.


...this make me sound like a dictator...

Rather, an authoritative parent with the child's long-term interest at heart.


Many mothers are in jail for killing their children.

Others kill with bribery thinly disguised as kindness.

[soundofmusic]

I shall have to share my :alien: rational to child rearing; my daughter is 35 years old:

1. I gave my daughter everything she admired (that I could afford) as a child; as an adult, she only buys what she greatly admires (perhaps one thing in 6 to 12 months); when she is done with it, she donates it

2. I bought my daughter all the clothing styles that were modeled in "teen magazine"; as an adult, she keeps her clothes for 5 years and when they are too old she recycles them. She styles her own hair and uses none of the "products" her friends use.

3. I drove my daughter everywhere, as an adult, she takes long walks and uses public transportation.

It is my opinion that our children live with us and learn through our mistakes; my daughter has learned that I am a spendthrift, bohemian, and lazy; she is therefore frugal, conservative and industrious. :idea:

[BienvenuJDC]

I shall have to share my :alien: rational to child rearing; my daughter is 35 years old:

1. I gave my daughter everything she admired (that I could afford) as a child; as an adult, she only buys what she greatly admires (perhaps one thing in 6 to 12 months); when she is done with it, she donates it

2. I bought my daughter all the clothing styles that were modeled in "teen magazine"; as an adult, she keeps her clothes for 5 years and when they are too old she recycles them. She styles her own hair and uses none of the "products" her friends use.

3. I drove my daughter everywhere, as an adult, she takes long walks and uses public transportation.

It is my opinion that our children live with us and learn through our mistakes; my daughter has learned that I am a spendthrift, bohemian, and lazy; she is therefore frugal, conservative and industrious. :idea:

That goes to prove that we all have a will.

[Helga]

I think these things also depend on the child.. my son gets overexcited if I buy him new underwear, as much and even more than a toy car. he knows that when I say no it means no, but I have to admit I love buying him stuff and I want to be able to give him the things he likes. he is almost 4 and has never thrown a tantrum in a store cause I didn't buy him something. also I usually let him pick out a yogurt and if he says he wants something else later in the store I say no you just got your yogurt, and that's enough for him... yet (knock on wood)...

as long as they know that when you say no that's it I think it's ok to give them small gifts every now and then.

[Gladys]

That goes to prove that we all have a will.

The occasional child will rise above even the most inappropriate parenting, especially if the role-modelled behaviour is socially abhorrent. For instance, most children of spouse bashing or child molesting parents spurn that role model in adulthood. But sadly many, many don't.

[Katy North]

I shall have to share my :alien: rational to child rearing; my daughter is 35 years old:

1. I gave my daughter everything she admired (that I could afford) as a child; as an adult, she only buys what she greatly admires (perhaps one thing in 6 to 12 months); when she is done with it, she donates it

2. I bought my daughter all the clothing styles that were modeled in "teen magazine"; as an adult, she keeps her clothes for 5 years and when they are too old she recycles them. She styles her own hair and uses none of the "products" her friends use.

3. I drove my daughter everywhere, as an adult, she takes long walks and uses public transportation.

It is my opinion that our children live with us and learn through our mistakes; my daughter has learned that I am a spendthrift, bohemian, and lazy; she is therefore frugal, conservative and industrious. :idea:

It sounds as though you were able to use reverse psychology to your advantage... :p



as long as they know that when you say no that's it I think it's okay to give them small gifts every now and then.

I think you've hit upon the crux of the problem... I really need to work on saying no more firmly.

[Helga]

this is a good thread I think... a while back when my boy was 2 and half or so I did struggle with this issue a bit cause I want to give him the toys but I don't want him to be greedy or spoiled.... but when I just started saying no every now and then it was enough and I think that makes him even more glad when I do give him things.

[Katy North]

Yes, right now it's started to be places too... he's just learning that you can't go to your favorite place every day. For instance he likes going to one of our friends house because she gives him her undivided attention, plus we just went to the zoo for the first time... I want to be able to encourage him to remember past events without feeling like he has to be there RIGHT NOW... hard concept for a two year old to grasp I know.

If he really did dictate my life right now this would be me:

:driving::driving::driving::driving::driving::driv ing::driving::driving::driving::driving:

[Helga]

hehehe I know what you mean....

my boy loves going to my brothers house and for a long time he would get mad if we went straight home after picking him up, we had to go somewhere fun....

it's funny how the 'parenting ' part suddenly kicks in as they grow up, ha.... all of a sudden you need to think about what the reaction will be to what you say and do...

[kilted exile]

I would use some type of preservative - perhaps vinegar