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paradoxical
03-18-2010, 02:34 AM
reading Bhagavad Gita
on the shore of Lake Martin,
I sit under cypress trees,
moss hanging from the branches
of live oaks that will endure
beyond a human lifetime

smell of magnolia blossoms
in humid Louisiana air,
honey suckle and trumpet vines
wrap around the trees
as an egret stands motionless
on the water's edge

the sun begins to set,
the sky like red wine
spills across the horizon,
reflecting like blood on the water,
I stand and slowly begin to walk
back down the gravel road

the sound of cicadas
deafens my ears with their calls
and in the darkening light
I am followed by ghosts,
the last true remains of the South,
brooding and noble with pain,
they plot revenge and reclamation

I think I understand the ghosts,
the way they scold us,
their attraction to this water,
and this land

there is life here
and there is the life of distant worlds
beyond what we can see and hear

at night, I look outside my window
and I know this is all illusion,
is that what they try to tell us?

in my dreams, I can feel the pull
of another reality,
but when I wake, it is gone
and even the world of sleep is illusion,
it is best left alone, forgotten

the best thing is to let it all go
and return to what is real,
not to this land
or my self or my thoughts and memories,
back to our true source,
and to let these ghosts rest


Well, I rewrote the poem and I'm pretty satisfied with it now. It shouldn't be so over-packed and the line cuts should be more natural.

The conclusion of the poem should also be a bit clearer now, but I don't want to give too much away by coming out and stating it. I think doing so would take away any effect it may have. I will say that it has to do with reincarnation and the idea that this world is a kind of illusion.

Bar22do
03-18-2010, 06:58 AM
Hi Paradoxical, I can appreciate the effort you put here in your poem, which is dense and picturesque, maybe a bit overpacked and a material for - several poems... you might try your talents at writing prose or poetical prose...
I wonder about your conclusion: why it is best to let it all go?
a typo: "they way they falter and scold us," should probably be "the way";
Other than that I enjoyed getting back in touch with old stories and legends... with your efficient way to summon the senses for a feast of colours and perfumes, visions and sounds... I am not a good technical critic, so I'll leave this for a specialist (I only observed your line cutting doesn't always feel right). Congrats for the seriousness with which you work on your poetry! Best - Bar

paradoxical
03-18-2010, 11:32 AM
Thank you so much for the feedback. You're right, that was a typo. I'm going to edit that and change some of the line breaks. I should have left them the way they were originally. I had changed them to try to control the amount of syllables in each line.

I thought that it may have been a bit over packed with material. I had wanted it to be a bit overwhelming with colors and sounds and smell, but I think that I may have included too many types of plant and animal life and too many metaphors. Although I am glad that you experienced it as a 'feast of colours and perfumes, visions and sounds', as that was the intended effect.

I am going to work on this some more, and then edit the poem. Thanks again.