My Enemy

[anzki4]

My Enemy

When I met him,
I felt,
the venom tearing my mind.
His new clothes, hat and his belt.
He was educated, but not so kind.
When he talked,
the venom he spread.
He told he had walked,
everywhere on earth.
It sounded convincing,
but it was not the truth.
Yet, the others believed him
and, I think, so would have you.

He is hero,
in some way at least.
He could tell
people to have a feast,
with human flesh,
he talks so well.
Some day I will,
reveal all his lies.
I just hope he doesn`t kill,
my mind,
before.

Some day I have my
revenge.
"I can do it! I`m not so shy!"
When the Justice
is at stake,
because
all his words are fake.
He is liar, thief and scum.
No one can tell the sum,
of his crimes.
His hideous work,
fills the air with cries.

Before I get him,
there`s just one thing I hope.
I hope I will stay pious,
and that I don`t go down the slope,
or turn laborious,
or do something evil,
just like he did.
I don`t want to be peril.
I never wish to feel guilt.


This is third poem I have finished voluntarily (=not in school) in my life. I think it`s quite good (for me at least), but because man is him/herself worst judge I wanted to hear your opinions.

EDIT: I added dots and commas to poem. (Thank you Jersea.)

[PrinceMyshkin]

What is clear and well-expressed is your loathing for this person, but it is all tell & no show (are you familiar with that critical cliche?). Just one example of his vileness might have had a much stronger effect than all the loathing you express for him.

[Buh4Bee]

what I liked:
Most people can all relate to this guy, who is your enemy. I have met these sorts, that brag and exaggerate and are so well spoken everyone loves them. The whole act can be enough to drive you to revenge. It seems this character however, is more than a braggart.

possible constructive criticism:
Each stanza appeared to be one long sentence. This structure for me made it lack much poetic language.

For starters, it is a good attempt. If you are from Finland than English is not your first language, and for that I give you a compliment!

[anzki4]

Thank you both for your comments. And Jersea; I live in Finland and English isn`t my first language. I don`t want to write Finnish poems because, in my opinion, they sound so dumb, although I have no idea why.

Here is two short poems made by me yesterday:

Abyss

I stare into the darkness,
the terrible, bottomless pit.
I can only think about the darkness,
while it`s devouring my mind bit by bit.

That was inspired by the quote of Friedrich Nietzsche, which is in my signature.

The Greatest Feeling Ever

Your own bed,
soft pillow,
stomach that has been fed,
bed made of oak or willow.
Tired mind,
tired body.
Dream so kind,
rooms so cozy.
Eyes so heavy,
mind so light.
"Dream I`m ready.
I`m giving up without fight."

Eyes closing,
mind getting free.
No worries,
the greatest feeling ever.

Inspiration for that came yesterday evening/night while I was lying in my bed. I just had to put that down to my cell phone. After that I tried my poem in practice. Got to tell you that it`s quite true. :)

[PrinceMyshkin]

What is coming through in your latest two poems is your willingness to speak truthfully and with vulnerability. You could do with a bit more attention to the music in your choice of words.

[anzki4]

Thank you for your comment, compliment and advice PrinceMyshkin.

[anzki4]

Note: I added dots and commas to my poem, thanks to Jersea.