Forgotten Gods

[Hawkman]

There is a place in the collective mind of man,
Where Eden blooms,
Where Adam walks with Eve before the fall;
Where Atlantis lies,
And dragons, in their splendour, dominate the skies.

Here Arthur sleeps, beneath the hill in Avalon,
And ghosts, in crumbling temples, worship at the altars of
Forgotten gods.
Here wyverns vie with griffins,
And the sphinx, beneath her muse, composes riddles only heroes
Can unwind.

It is the place where war 'twixt truth and falsehood is
Contested;
Where, warlocks, sorcerers and kings,
Dispute their lore, on fields of battle no historian saw.
It is the refuge of the damned,
The place where cowards keep their courage,
It is the world of the imagination,
And the time...
The time of legend.

[PrinceMyshkin]

The only charge I might bring against this is that it didn't go on for another stanza or two. I was enraptured with this pantheon of mythic heroes & heroines, presented to us in such a fluent, conversational way. And by "conversational" I most certainly do not mean that it lacked poetry. On the contrary...

[Hawkman]

Sorry, PM, but that's just how it goes... Always leave 'em wanting more and maybe they'll come back. ;-

[blank|verse]

I have to say I agree with Prince.

What is there is enchanting and well written. And it's always nice to read a line of blank verse in the midst of free verse:

Where Adam walks with Eve before the fall;
Personally I would like to see the poem tidied up a bit more - heroic couplets suggest themselves as fitting for this theme perhaps.

Where I agree with Prince is that it does seem like half an argument. Traditionally, poetry works on the basis of presenting an argument and drawing a conclusion from it or opening it out for discussion from a certain persective or, particularly, expressing an insight. Sonnets work on this basis; as do the three-stanza Pindaric Odes, in which stanza one is used to present one side of a discussion; stanza two the oppositional (or at least different) view; and stanza three, which in Greek performance was spoken directly to the audience, the conclusion of the theme would be drawn.

What you have leaves the reader wondering... what about it? It's a rich subject and nice observation about the place and significance of myth and religion in 'the collective mind of man' - so let's hear your thoughts about it. Why have you chosen this as the subject of your poem? To that extent, you could say the poem doesn't so much leave the reader wanting more, as thinking you've got nothing to say on the subject.

I hope that sounds constructively critical (as it is intended) because you're clearly a good writer, but can improve on what you've written - which is something that PrinceMyshkin has identified as well, so it's worth bearing in mind such comments when you're writing future poems.

[AuntShecky]

The subject matter and tone remind me of the works of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, maybe even Tennyson.
The only criticism is that the meter really isn't consistently maintained. You could try combining parts of lines and make sure the stresses fall where they're supposed to fall. If you like long lines, you could try using the aforementioned Henry's fave --dactylic hexameter (12 syllables, 6 stresses.)

[Hawkman]

Hi Blank Verse, and thanks for your observations.

Firstly I must agree with you that it perhaps seems like half an argument. This is because it is quite clearly a statement, and invites the reader to respond, as you have.

In fact the nature of the human mind to have a predisposition to believe in myth (and the nature of myth as the ultimate narrative form) was the subject of my BA dissertation. (Many years ago now) To condense such a document into half a dozen stanzas would be a heroic undertaking in its own right.

The meter of the poem and the choice of words were intended to have a hypnotic, dream-like feel, which paints pictures in the mind and stimulates the memory and imagination. I certainly had no intention of reproducing classical verse or performance structures.

I tried rearranging the lines and adding in more verses but for me at least, the results were entirely unsatisfactory and spoiled what I had already written.

You obviously have a far tighter grip on the technicalities of poetry than I do. I am just moved by an idea and chose the words and form to express that idea. Sometimes it is just a phrase which pops into my head. I work it until it seems complete to me.

I freely admit that my abilities as a poet are limited, but then I’ve only been writing poetry consistently, ie 1 or 2 a day, since I joined the forum. In the preceding 40 odd years I may have written 2 or 3. I therefore welcome your critique, (and yours Auntie) and would be equally grateful for any pointers to good books dealing with its technicalities. I just hope becoming technical doesn’t curb the spontaneity.

TTFN

H

[~Sophia~]

First... I'd like to see you replace the second "lies" with another word. That's a personal preference. You have an opening quote mark 'twixt truth and falsehood is
Contested; but not a closing one - just a tidy up needed and, another personal quip - if you are going to employ punctuation throughout the poem for pauses etc., please (!) do not take the easy way out and capitalize the beginning of every line. It really disrupts the reading.

Other than these little foibles, I think the poem works! Good job.

[Mfdoom]

I've always been into the mindset of past times. Thinknig about legends and such, you have illustrated in this poem something I could not do in a sense. I do not have a skill for poetry even though I try and seeing something I like written so well made me happy. I'm new around these parts and I can't wait to see more of your works and everyone elses! Cheers! :D

[Hawkman]

Hi Sophia.

Yes you're quite right, the second 'lies' should be sleeps. However, what you have interpreted as an opeing quote mark is in fact an apostrophe; in order to maintain the meter I have contracted Betwixt to 'twixt.

As for capatalising the first letter of the line, it appears to be standard practice (even with punctuation) for Wilfred Owen, Siegfried Sassoon & John Mcrae, to name but a few. Sorry they're all war poets but it was the first book I had to hand when checking whether I should or shouldn't. I accept that some people don't though.

Mfdoom

Hello and thanks for your comments and I'm glad you like it. One aims to please.

Thank you both,

H

[~Sophia~]

what you have interpreted as an opeing quote mark is in fact an apostrophe; in order to maintain the meter I have contracted Betwixt to 'twixt.

H

Ooops, my mistake! Pay no attention to the editor behind the curtain!:ihih:

[Bar22do]

I acknowledge your talent in this poem H., it's poetry and a good one. Even though I agree with the observations made before, I easily overcome your temporary shortcomings because it seems to me I can see where you're getting. A very good poem. Do not lose spontaneity! and thank you.