meh - a poem i writed

[ktr]

left it here for a while. time to disappear

[PrinceMyshkin]

What splendour of imagery and ardour, BUT

but lay it out as a prose poem, which I believe it is, rather than oblige us to read the lines as if the line-breaks were significant; which, as far as I could tell, they aren't.

[ktr]

ty for your input, the line should take care of itself, just go with the grammar - please, don't pause or break just because the line ends.

[OctopusGarden]

ty for your input, the line should take care of itself, just go with the grammar - please, don't pause or break just because the line ends.

i think that is what he was getting at, that the end of the line has no meaning and the poem is read like a story, following those normal grammar rules. I liked it, the ending was interesting and like stated above you used excellent imagery. I especially liked "I am the closed door splintering...."

[ktr]

i think that is what he was getting at, that the end of the line has no meaning and the poem is read like a story, following those normal grammar rules. I liked it, the ending was interesting and like stated above you used excellent imagery. I especially liked "I am the closed door splintering...."

yeah i mean - i do have it typed out like that for a reason. part of my "inspiration" for the poem is one by robert pinksy called "the figured wheel" ill link it, here's the beginning of it.

The Figured Wheel

The figured wheel rolls through shopping malls and prisons
Over farms, small and immense, and the rotten little downtowns.
Covered with symbols, it mills everything alive and grinds
The remains of the dead in the cemeteries, in unmarked graves and oceans.

Sluiced by salt water and fresh, by pure and contaminated rivers,
By snow and sand, it separates and recombines all droplets and grains,
Even the infinite sub-atomic particles crushed under the illustrated,
Varying treads of its wide circumferential track.

Spraying flecks of tar and molten rock it rumbles
Through the Antarctic station of American sailors and technicians,
And shakes the floors and windows of whorehouses for diggers and smelters
From Bethany, Pennsylvania to a practically nameless, semi-penal New Town



i love that kind of style and flow and grammar, i personally find it attractive, useful - beautiful. rest of the poem can be found here if you are interested, but note how he uses that same - follow the grammar, not the line type thing.

http://www.cscs.umich.edu/~crshalizi/weblog/334.html

[MorpheusSandman]

It's incredibly engrossing with superb use of language, imagery, metaphor, etc. This is certainly one I could read over and over. But in terms of form, I agree with Prince in that this is poetic prose or prose poetry instead of actual poetry. Nothing wrong with that, but line breaks ALWAYS encourage one to pause on the last word. So instead of grouping these things into stanzas it might've been better just to write them all out in sentences grouped by paragraphs.

[qimissung]

I, too, could re-read this. Strong beautiful imagery and and the words you chose, at once playful and propulsive.