Lunar Lullaby

[Le_Iris]

This is my first song in English. I usually write songs and poems in Russian, so I have no experience in writing in English. Please don't kill me. ^_^" I'm waiting for constructive criticism.

Through the cloudy curtains, through the cloudy flight
The mistress's stepping on stage, the mistress of night.
She's sitting down on your bed, you hear her windy sigh,
And silently she's singing you a
Lu-lla, Lullaby
Lu-lla, Lullaby
Lu-lla, Lullaby
Lu-lla, Lullaby
Lu-lla-by



She's singing 'bout the moths, which dance in her light beams,
About the sea, which bows to her, she's singing 'bout her dreams,
About eternal loneliness and the eternal sky.
And baby slowly falls asleep by the lunar
Lu-lla, Lullaby
Lu-lla, Lullaby
Lu-lla, Lullaby
Lu-lla, Lullaby
Lu-lulla...

Lu-lla, Lullaby
Lu-lla, Lullaby
Lu-lla, Lullaby
Lu-lla-by

[Hawkman]

Through the cloudy curtains, through the cloudy flight
The mistress's stepping on stage, the mistress of night.
She's sitting down on your bed, you hear her windy sigh,


Just a couple of things. Firstly may I say that I really like this but without music the repetition of lullaby is superfluous, and detracts from the verses which are lovely.

I would alter the second line to:
The mistress steps on to the stage, the mistress of the night

and third line:
She's sitting down upon your bed, you hear her windy sigh,

this makes in flow slightly more easily off the tongue and eye and into the mind, at least for me.

[Le_Iris]

Hawkman, Thank you very much ^_^ I know, my English is not good enough ^_^"

Well, I agree with you, that if it was a poem, the repetition of "Lullaby" wouldn't be appropriate. Maybe I should post it without this repetition?

[Hawkman]

Your welcome, and your English is certainly better than my Russian, of which I know barely half a dozen words. Keep up the good work.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I think it's rather lovely, and I didn't at all mind having the Lulla-lullaby lines repeated.

Без перевода. or should that be (in Roman script) Spasibog?

[qimissung]

It is very dear. You write quite well in English.

[inbetween]

it got a nice melodie (when you read it) i like it

[Le_Iris]

I think it's rather lovely, and I didn't at all mind having the Lulla-lullaby lines repeated.

Без перевода. or should that be (in Roman script) Spasibog?
Thank you very much. Wait, Lullaby is a soothing song, or what did you mean?

qimissung, inbetween, oh, thank you very very much ^_^

[Bar22do]

It is soothing, and only seemingly a simple melody. It has power in it, and many layered emotion. I agree that as a poem, it would do better without too many lullaby's...
Thank you for sharing with us your first song...

[Le_Iris]

It is soothing, and only seemingly a simple melody. It has power in it, and many layered emotion. I agree that as a poem, it would do better without too many lullaby's...
Thank you for sharing with us your first song...
I have posted it as lyrics) Of course it's not a poem. Anyway, thank you ^_^

[Buh4Bee]

I'm partial to it, because I wrote something similar in theme to this song. I hope that if you do record it, you can put it on utube so we can all see/hear it.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Thank you very much. Wait, Lullaby is a soothing song, or what did you mean?

You used "lullaby" in the refrain, and the tone of the song seemed to be one that was meant to comfort a child, to help it get to sleep. Did I overlook some darker intent in this?

[Le_Iris]

You used "lullaby" in the refrain, and the tone of the song seemed to be one that was meant to comfort a child, to help it get to sleep. Did I overlook some darker intent in this?

No, you're absolutely right. I didn't think about any dark intent)

[NisreenS]

Hi! I think the first line will be more interesting if you do not repeat"through the cloudy" you can change a word or two either from the first or the second phrase to make the opening line more vivid.But maybe because it's intended for a child, repitition will work here. In the second stanza (the third line) you repeat the word "eternal", you have written a good poem, but I think you need to increase your English vocabulary so that you will be able to avoid unjustified repitition in your coming poems. I enjoyed reading it and I hope you will write more

[Le_Iris]

Hi! I think the first line will be more interesting if you do not repeat"through the cloudy" you can change a word or two either from the first or the second phrase to make the opening line more vivid.But maybe because it's intended for a child, repitition will work here. In the second stanza (the third line) you repeat the word "eternal", you have written a good poem, but I think you need to increase your English vocabulary so that you will be able to avoid unjustified repitition in your coming poems. I enjoyed reading it and I hope you will write more

Hello! Thank you for your comment. I used repetitions not because I have a narrow vocabulary. I wanted to make a special style)

[eclipsemoon]

I agree lovely work

[Le_Iris]

Thank you all)