the snow falling and the light

[qimissung]

Shall I write of snow falling,
of days entwined in thought, and you?
Shall I speak of seeing faces beautiful
when I am cast in shade's repose?
a golden light seems to throw its eye on me
yes, snow and light exist together
the world hinges on this belief
snow falling and the light
if only more people could see that it is so
I'll try to sing for it, and for you, too,
I'll try to ignore the outer arctic thought for you
and you the worries, that, like a hungry wolf, pursue me
I'll try, prithee, to forget my fears,
bask in the rosy golden light,
pour out a cup of tea,
and sit with you to watch the snow

Qimissung

[PrinceMyshkin]

I love this, dear soul! I specially love:



I'll try, prithee, to forget my fears,
bask in the rosy golden light,
pour out a cup of tea,
and sit with you to watch the snow

Qimissung

the admixture of the sublime and the precious ordinary!

[Bar22do]

Shall I write of snow falling,
of days entwined in thought, and you?
Shall I speak of seeing faces beautiful
when I am cast in shade's repose?
a golden light seems to throw its eye on me
yes, snow and light exist together
the world hinges on this belief
snow falling and the light
if only more people could see that it is so
I'll try to sing for it, and for you, too,
I'll try to ignore the outer arctic thought for you
and you the worries, that, like a hungry wolf, pursue me
I'll try, prithee, to forget my fears,
bask in the rosy golden light,
pour out a cup of tea,
and sit with you to watch the snow

Qimissung

With this poem, qim, you withdraw as if into a renewing essence... you bask in purity and light, and while thus exposed, I believe, you don't even have to try to forget your fears, you simply trust, effortlessly, naturally (and if only for a moment)... Light in the snow is white for my eyes (I assume...) - how yours developed to see light's gold? I will train mine to see or to stare more carefully, especially if winter returns to say good bye... so thanks for this experience and for the delicacy of your words.

[MorpheusSandman]

Overall I quite like this. As always your work is so evocative qimi, and I agree with Prince that those last 4 lines are such a sublime ending. I think this one could use just a bit of trimming. I'd remove that "snow falling and light" line since you've already established both. I might remove the next line too since it seems like a bit of a throwaway. There's also something awkward about the "like a hungry wolf" metaphor; probably because it's not really developed and also seems to stand-out as a one-off.

[Buh4Bee]

As I am not much of a person who critiques, I'll simply tell you I do like this poem and the story it has to offer.

[qimissung]

Thank you, Prince, for seeing with such loving eyes, and Bar. Yes, Bar, there is a white light to snow, I mentioned the gold to imply God and love.

Thank you, Morpheus, for your suggestions. I'll play around with it this weekend. I think it does need to be tightened up a little.

Me either, jersea, and I thank you. :)

[qimissung]

Here's the revised version. This one is for my friend Prince, who always sees the good.

Shall I write of snow falling and the light,
Of days entwined in storm and thought and you?
Shall I speak of seeing faces beautiful
When I am cast in awful shade’s repose?
A golden light seems to throw its eye on me
Yes, snow and light do exist together
The white world hinges on this wild surmise
I’ll try to sing for it and for you, too
Let us ignore our outer arctic thoughts,
And the wolf prowling round the heart that lays
Still beating, intermezzo, on the floor
I will try, prithee, to forget my fears,
Bask in the rose gold light, pour out a cup
of tea, and sit with you to watch the snow

Qimissung

[PrinceMyshkin]

Here's the revised version. This one is for my friend Prince, who always sees the good.


Evening, somewhere just north of eden

Shall I write of snow falling and the light,
Of days entwined in storm and thought and you?
Shall I speak of seeing faces beautiful
When I am cast in awful shade’s repose?
A golden light seems to throw its eye on me
Yes, snow and light do exist together
The white world hinges on this wild surmise
I’ll try to sing for it and for you, too
Let us ignore our outer arctic thoughts,
And the wolf prowling round the heart that lays
Still beating, intermezzo, on the floor
I will try, prithee, to forget my fears,
Bask in the rose gold light, pour out a cup
of tea, and sit with you to watch the snow

Qimissung

Oh yes, it's even more fluent than it was before, but, perhaps because of that, "prithee" feels self-conscious and out of place.

Thank you for giving mention to my friendship with and admiration of you.

[blank|verse]

I have to say I preferred the first version! I suppose the second makes it a sort of blank verse Shakespearean sonnet (14 unrhymed lines which have been tidied up into loose iambic pentameter; the 'Shall I?' opening has Shakespearean overtones...) but I think it loses more than it gains.

I really liked the original, particularly the rather wistful tone of it; I thought it was more open to interpretation and was the better for that. Now, with the prefatory line about Eden, it makes it too specific I think.

I'm not keen on 'awful shade' - it sounds too much. And I agree with Prince about 'prithee'. I can accept 'faces beautiful' but 'prithee' sounds wrong. It's also questionable whether it's used correctly. It's a contraction of 'I pray thee' and is interchangeable with 'please' - if you do that here, it doesn't really make sense, as you're talking to yourself. Maybe 'I swear' or similar would work better.

But still, a very nice piece overall.

[qimissung]

Thank you, blank verse. I took out the new titile, but that's all I'm changing for now.

[qimissung]

All right, a third, slightly less formal version, but I personally like it better than the first.

Shall I write of snow falling and the light
Of days entwined in storm and thought and you?
Shall I speak of seeing faces beautiful
When I am cast in awful shade’s repose?
A golden light seems to throw its eye on me
Yes, snow and light do exist together
The white world hinges on this wild surmise
I’ll try to sing for it and for you, too
Let us ignore our outer arctic thoughts,
And the wolf prowling round the heart that lays
Still beating intermezzo on the floor
I will try, then, to forget my fears,
Bask in the rosy golden light,
Pour out a cup of tea,
And sit with you to watch the snow

[PrinceMyshkin]

i don't notice all that much change in this but am happy 1) to see the departure of "prithee" and 2) that you've restored the final lines to how they were in the first version.

Did you perhaps have M. Arnold's "Dover Beach" somewhere in the back of your mind as you wrote this (from the beginning, I mean)?