Untitled Poem

[OctopusGarden]

Hello, still fairly new here and getting to know people. This poem says a lot about what I think and write about, and goes along with a monologue I wrote and posted in the general writing forums if anyone desires to check it out. I'm incorporating that piece into a story (length undecided) which I should the first part within a week or so hopefully, if I work diligently. Hopefully I'll write music and make this a song, because it's just so sing-songy to begin with.
Here's the poem- Untitled (as of yet)


**** this place
Why can't they see
This nation's lies
Are killing me:

"Dispose of life,
Enclose thy soul!"
The strife we feel
You can't console

Command inclined:
Just grind the land
Each mind aligned:
Demand, expand

Just look ahead and one will see
The cause that makes us all bleed.
I'll die before my life's unfurled
Living in this ****ed up world.

[MorpheusSandman]

It's quite an invective piece. Honestly, I'd avoid forcing rhymes in pieces like this. I think the only stanza that works perfectly as a whole is the 4th because it's also an excellent use of consonance which balances the rhyme really well. But you can't rhyme "disposable" and "fable" because the stress comes at different places in both words. In the former it's on "os" and on the later it's on "fa". You can use it for further consonance but not rhyme.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I, too, favoured the 4th verse because of the way you played with the rhyme rather than being corsetted by it. I don't altogether agree with Morph because I believe that the rhymes for the most part were either elegant or graceful.

Welcome aboard!

[OctopusGarden]

It's quite an invective piece. Honestly, I'd avoid forcing rhymes in pieces like this. I think the only stanza that works perfectly as a whole is the 4th because it's also an excellent use of consonance which balances the rhyme really well. But you can't rhyme "disposable" and "fable" because the stress comes at different places in both words. In the former it's on "os" and on the later it's on "fa". You can use it for further consonance but not rhyme.

right, i see what you mean with the stress on disposable/fable. it does make it sound kind of choppy. thanks for the input on everything, it'll help a lot

and thanks to you, too, PrinceMyshkin. it's nice to be here!

[Nax]

I personally dislike most poetry lest it rhyme, its nothing against the non-rhyming varieties, they generally are powerful and thoughtful and wonderful, but I see them more as broken short stories then poetry. So in this case u get brownie points from me, however its almost as bad to have a forced rhyme then no rhyme at all IMO.

On the subject matter, I too am in a state where I am rejecting this messed up society that we have in front of us. The problem being there is practically no escape save death or hermitism (and even then the tax man will come for you one day) and its a hard pill to swallow. The only thing we can really do is join the rest of the rabble and try to twist the system to a point where its working for us not against us.

End of the day it still sucks though, it feels like we were born in the nightmare of a previous era.

[OctopusGarden]

I personally dislike most poetry lest....
End of the day it still sucks though, it feels like we were born in the nightmare of a previous era.

i couldn't agree more. We're on the same page, ha. Check out my monologue on the general writing part of the forums! I think you might like it.
http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=50789