A cataract of smog at the base of the mountain.

[pure_tuna_fish]

A cataract of smog at the base of the mountain.


On the nod.
You slept all day like death
until your arm twitched and you pissed yourself
and woke up wet.

Last night was exploding stars.
But this morning you're fingering scars
from the serrated shards,
while the pastel imprint of melted snow
smudges over your fingers like mud.

And your clothes are all soiled,
you bum.
The trash has
piled up.
But there'll be a moment of glee
when basic chemistry
leaves all that is dirty
clean.

So I kick your foot and that plastic drum,
and slip into your coat that won’t be undone-- a bit of loose change,
ten cent candy, hopes we’ll climb this range.

Tomorrow--

[PrinceMyshkin]

It's a strange poem (to me), almost as if it was fighting against itself.

[pure_tuna_fish]

Do you think it was annoyingly so? I wanted to show the inner conflict in the poem's structure, not just the lines, hence the inconsistent rhyme and sort of off beat rhythm in places. I'm just not sure if it comes off as mistaken rather than intended.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Do you think it was annoyingly so? I wanted to show the inner conflict in the poem's structure, not just the lines, hence the inconsistent rhyme and sort of off beat rhythm in places. I'm just not sure if it comes off as mistaken rather than intended.

The trouble for me began when the very down-to-earth, seemingly anti-poetic "you pissed yourself" was followed by the soaring poetry of the second stanza, after which I felt I was on wobbly ground and nothing quite put it right.

[MorpheusSandman]

I agree with Prince's observation but not his critique; I actually really like the conflict between the transcendent highs and degradative lows of the piece. It produces quite and emotionally dynamic swing.