Out of Eden

[Pendragon]

Out of Eden

The hot sweat rolls down his face before the violent summer sun,
As he struggles with his horse and plow and the work that is never done
He raises crops and cattle so his growing family has enough to eat—
But he grows more thorns and brambles than life-giving wheat
He dreams about the garden, he thinks about the fall
Sometimes he even wonders if God exists at all—
It’s been a long, long hard road out of Eden…

The years that pass write their lines on the surface of his face
He thinks about the passing days, how many have gone to waste
Bowing beneath the weight of responsibility of a wife and kids
He cries all through the hours of darkness wondering if this is all there is
The garden is just a memory that fades with each passing day
Still hoping for redemption, he bows his weary head to pray—
It’s been a long, long hard road since Eden…

Now his death is drawing nigh, the Reaper haunts his dreams
He wonders about what lies ahead, could it be more than it seems?
His family gathers round him, as he breathes one final harried breath
He slips away like vapor into the cold arms of Death
He thinks about the Garden, will it be his again
Somehow he still is wondering if it all was just a myth
Going down that long, long hard road out of Eden…

Pendragon
©February 23, 2010

The author apologizes to the rock group The Eagles, my inspiration…

[Hawkman]

This is seriously good. Love it, love the Eagles too, by the way but only have a small collection so pray tell, what's their inspiration.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Some of the rhymes, I felt, took too much of an effort, though the off-rhymes were always a pleasure and often a surprise. I loved the effect of the repeated line.

[tailor STATELY]

Never was a fan of the Eagles' music; I am a fan of your poetry.

Your rhymes did seem forced at times (sic). I notice the form you set was altered in the third stanza: 'again-myth', so you did not fully committed to rhyme.

One line as an example:

from

"He raises crops and cattle so his growing family has enough to eat—
But he grows more thorns and brambles than life-giving wheat"

to:

"He raises crops and cattle so his growing family has enough"—
"But he grows more thorns and brambles than life-giving wheat"

is not too much of a stretch.

All in all I'll liken your poem to that of Cain's travails; and spare you the nuances of why.

[hack]

I like it Pen.
We are ever drawn back to tales of the Garden. It brings Joni Mitchell to my mind. "We are stardust, we are golden, and we've got to get ourselves back to the garden".
...peace...

[Pendragon]

This is seriously good. Love it, love the Eagles too, by the way but only have a small collection so pray tell, what's their inspiration.

Song: It's a Long Road Out of Eden

[Pendragon]

Never was a fan of the Eagles' music; I am a fan of your poetry.

Your rhymes did seem forced at times (sic). I notice the form you set was altered in the third stanza: 'again-myth', so you did not fully committed to rhyme.



It's a form called "slant-rhyme" where the word doesn't perfectly rhyme but fits the cadence. Many poets use it, perhaps mine was a bit of a stretch, but I still like it.

[whitman]

I enjoyed this-very good narrative...

[MorpheusSandman]

I haven't heard the Eagles song (not much of a fan) but I also really like this poem. It's so classic, and such a timeless story with universal themes. But you really do it justice. It's the kid of poetry where the archetypes are so well worn that it's easy to slip into boring cliches, but I was involved from the first line to the last. Well done. Though I do agree you really stretch the effectiveness of the rhymes; especially in a very loose meter that seems to alternate between hexa and heptameter lines.

[Pendragon]

Thanks to each one of you for your insights and comments. I take each one seriously. Who knows, yours may be the voice that inspires me to greater heights in improving my poem! God bless you all. Here's a hug! :grouphug: