The Fall

[Virgil]

I would love to have your comments on it.

The Fall

Clamp the weight and curl it up,
The muscle distends before it fails;
The back folds over into a cup,

I lift to become as hard as nails.
Reflected in the silver glass,
The bicep rounds through other veils;

The mind looks inward to surpass
Shoulders, arms, and masculine chest.
Body disputes the soul, fixed mass


Inverts, metal strains, becomes stressed,
The mutability of steel.
The flesh curves, falters, crests,

What’s there is not there to conceal
The resolution but reveals
In shades the everlasting deal.


The broken body falls, doubts, feels
Gathers itself up, rises, heals.

[Bar22do]

Hmmm! this is muscular! and masculine indeed... The rhythm of your poem is strong and steady... the rhyme perfect.
"body disputes soul" - but it is soul that has the last word, when you write:

"The broken body falls, doubts, feels
Gathers itself up, rises, heals."

has it not.

Thanks for your sharing this.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I've commented on your blog about how much I admire these unusual rhymes and how gracefully they are managed but I cannot say often enough how deeply I love the concluding couplet.

[MorpheusSandman]

That final couplet REALLY drives this piece home. There is a real strength and vulnerability to the piece that's astounding and very, very powerful. I quite love it.

[qimissung]

I think it's the best thing you've done so far, Virgil.

[Virgil]

Hmmm! this is muscular! and masculine indeed... The rhythm of your poem is strong and steady... the rhyme perfect.
"body disputes soul" - but it is soul that has the last word, when you write:

"The broken body falls, doubts, feels
Gathers itself up, rises, heals."

has it not.

Thanks for your sharing this.


Thank you Bar. You are correct about that.

Thanks Morpheus. I am proud of that last couplet.

Thank you Prince and Qimi. :)

[Buh4Bee]

Indeed it is a very masculine poem. The rhyme is very pleasant.

I liked these lines:
The mind looks inward to surpass
Shoulders, arms, and masculine chest.
Body disputes the soul, fixed mass

When I have gone to the gym to lift weights, I can remember the discomfort my body felt. I like the body soul connection in your poem. It reminds me how important it is to take care of the body, even if it is only a temporary vessel.

[AuntShecky]

This could be an example of terza rima, right?
I liked how it parodies the impersonal tone of anatomical texts. There's a bit of "wrenching" of syntax in the two stanzas before the concluding couplet, assumedly to accomodate the rhyme, but I find it difficult to parse those sentences.

The concluding couplet provide the most effective lines
of the poem -- a nice string of verbs, all portraying action.

[PrinceMyshkin]

This could be an example of terza rima, right?
I liked how it parodies the impersonal tone of anatomical texts. There's a bit of "wrenching" of syntax in the two stanzas before the concluding couplet, assumedly to accomodate the rhyme, but I find it difficult to parse those sentences.

The concluding couplet provide the most effective lines
of the poem -- a nice string of verbs, all portraying action.

Oh, dear AuntFusspot, just go with the beauty of it, the grace, the flow! Go with it! Remember long before poetry was codified, when one sang for the pleasure of singing...

[blank|verse]

This was a good effort. I liked the use of 'distends' in the second line - where a lesser poet would have said 'flexes' - and made me want to read the rest; and it's an unusual theme, there aren't too many body-buildling poets!

I thought there were a few too many lists of words throughout the poem and there weren't many surprises with the rhymed words, but it's a good effort in a difficult form.

[billl]

The way that the poem begins got me in the mindset of doing repetitions with weights (clamp them on and begin the first curl) and each stanza was--rather than flowing and easy--an interesting struggle of rhythm landing on the rhyme. And then the next rep.

Within all of it, there is even some mystery (to me) about which it might really be, this mixture of struggles, failure, beauty, crestings, falls, and successes. They are all a part of it, of course, and the poem doesn't stop at these mysteries, they are only temporary, and change. Well, actually, things do slow down, and arrive at an end. And we see that getting tired can certainly energize the thoughts.

Definitely a success in my opinion, and something out of the ordinary.

[paperleaves]

love the ending couplet! a piece filled with brawn and brains :p

[PrinceMyshkin]

The way that the poem begins got me in the mindset of doing repetitions with weights (clamp them on and begin the first curl) and each stanza was--rather than flowing and easy--an interesting struggle of rhythm landing on the rhyme. And then the next rep.

Within all of it, there is even some mystery (to me) about which it might really be, this mixture of struggles, failure, beauty, crestings, falls, and successes. They are all a part of it, of course, and the poem doesn't stop at these mysteries, they are only temporary, and change. Well, actually, things do slow down, and arrive at an end. And we see that getting tired can certainly energize the thoughts.

Definitely a success in my opinion, and something out of the ordinary.

Sometimes it's a bonus pleasure to read the comments, such as yours, on poems one already likes.

[Virgil]

This could be an example of terza rima, right?
I liked how it parodies the impersonal tone of anatomical texts. There's a bit of "wrenching" of syntax in the two stanzas before the concluding couplet, assumedly to accomodate the rhyme, but I find it difficult to parse those sentences.

Do you mean these lines Aunty?

The flesh curves, falters, crests,

What’s there is not there to conceal
The resolution but reveals
In shades the everlasting deal.
That last line there was a struggle and it is the one line I am not happy with.



The way that the poem begins got me in the mindset of doing repetitions with weights (clamp them on and begin the first curl) and each stanza was--rather than flowing and easy--an interesting struggle of rhythm landing on the rhyme. And then the next rep.

Within all of it, there is even some mystery (to me) about which it might really be, this mixture of struggles, failure, beauty, crestings, falls, and successes. They are all a part of it, of course, and the poem doesn't stop at these mysteries, they are only temporary, and change. Well, actually, things do slow down, and arrive at an end. And we see that getting tired can certainly energize the thoughts.

Definitely a success in my opinion, and something out of the ordinary.
Thank you very much Billl.

And thank you to all the others that commented.