barrio

[paperleaves]

400

there are lanterns, glowing like honey
along the alley, and the neighborhood boys are all
throwing stones at tin garbage pails, scrawling graffiti
in the rail yard, and I'm
kickin' pebbles with my cowboy boots, a lanky ghost
in poet's clothes, a wifebeater and hard wash denim
eroding with the summer breeze
I can barely breathe, the air's like lemonade
in the sand, sticky and sweet,
the type that sticks between your toes as you
parade on dream beaches that appear in your sleep
mama says the tide will come and wash away
the dirt on my soles, but all I wanna do, all I wanna do, mama
is lay here in the mud.
I'll keep climbin' trees with skinned knees and drag
the colored boys home to come sing to me
and never forget the things
that summer did to me in the street.
the sirens, yelps from hell, flicker like blood and water
on dilapidated aluminum siding as we
smoke dainty cigarettes in grandmother's rose garden
singing in a deep, Bill Withers tone,
ain't no sunshine, mama, ain't no sunshine
today

[Babyguile]

Your use of language is unmatched from anything else I've read here. This piece is beautifuly melancholic: the character sees no hope in his situation and the ending is so poignantly sad yet I still read the poem with a huge smile on my face because your writing is so special.

Please publish if you're not already doing so because I'd buy that mutha like there's no tomorrow.

[~Sophia~]

Love "Bario" paper and you already know where I think you should place it wink wink.

mama says the tide will come and wash away
the dirt on my soles, but all I wanna do, all I wanna do, mama
is lay here in the mud.


Delicious!!!!!

[Bar22do]

Perfect! Ready for publication. With most of your other poems, Paper. Made me melancholic about my childhood "barrio"... thank you so much for sharing this. Love - Bar

[hack]

Thank you Paper, for carrying me back to my
grandmother's back porch...peace...

[Satan]

Lovely! Impressive work, indeed.

[breathtest]

This is truly beautiful and such a powerful image. Definitely nostalgic and melancholic. The best thing i have read in a long time. It seems to combine two of your styles. The stream of conscious beat style and the more recent rhythmic songwriting style you seem to have discovered of late. I hope you plan to write more of these very very soon. And i love the reference to ain't no sunshine by bill withers. I love that song, and it seems perfectly suited to this poem.

Thank you for sharing.

[The Walker]

mama says the tide will come and wash away
the dirt on my soles, but all I wanna do, all I wanna do, mama
is lay here in the mud.


favorite part! :)

[Pendragon]

400

a lanky ghost
in poet's clothes,

lovely turn of phrase here :hurray:

[paperleaves]

Wow, thank you all for your great comments--I didn't know it would receive so much praise! This is a little bit of an experiment I've been doing lately since my inspirations have changed and I've moved to this less sporadic stream of conscious style to a free-flowing rhythmic and raw expression. I'm glad the experiment is such a hit. I've tried to gain the attention of many literary magazines and publications, but it has never surfaced to be much of anything, and you all are who I keep posting for.

In loving kindness,
paper

[PrinceMyshkin]

You had me at "there are lanterns," but then you definitely had me all over again and for good at "a lanky ghost / in poet's clothes." How do you do it? And please, don't ever stop.

[MorpheusSandman]

Another supremely superb piece, paperleaves. But you exhaust me because it seems all I can do every time I read one of your pieces is sigh about how phenomenal every line, turn of phrase, use of language, rhythm, line breaks, and even those rare times you choose to use rhyme, aliteration are. I don't suspect I'll ever be able to write this well, but I'm joyous that there's someone out there that does. Just call me your #1 fan. :) I could try to select some of my favorite moments from the piece but I suspect I'd just end up quoting the whole thing! I especially liked the lanterns glowing like honey, the lanky ghost in poet's clothes, and your amazingly sustained wistful, melancholic tone and lyrical, lilting form.


I've tried to gain the attention of many literary magazines and publications, but it has never surfaced to be much of anything, and you all are who I keep posting for. This really shocks me because I can't imagine anyone reading your work and determining it's not good/interesting enough to be published. I seriously hope you aren't one of those artists that everyone only figures out they're amazing after they're dead and stop writing. But you have a long time, and I'd highly suggest you just keep trying.

[paperleaves]

PM and Morpheus--wow! Thank you!


and Morpheus, thank you for the encouragement. As soon as life settles down a little bit I may put forth as much effort as I used to into getting published and I expect you to push me along the way !:p

love
Kate

[The Walker]

How do you do it? And please, don't ever stop.


Just call me your #1 fan. :)

I think I'll read you more often ;) :D

[blank|verse]

Hi Paperleaves - Not much I can add but to join in the praise and say how much I enjoyed it as well. There are some fantastic images, I particularly liked the simile 'the air's like lemonade in the sand'.

However, I would say, if you're looking to get something published, it's lines like this you have to tighten up. The simile by itself is wonderful: spending the next three lines reiterating it is way too much. You're crossing the line between 'showing' and 'telling' as you're not allowing the reader to discover the image for themselves, but giving them every last detail, and in the process, diluting the strength of the original simile. Also, watch for repetition (sticky - sticks) and in saying that 'dream beaches' 'appear in your sleep' - in fact, if I'm being harsh, I would say cut everything in italics below:


the air's like lemonade
in the sand, sticky and sweet,
the type that sticks between your toes as you
parade on dream beaches that appear in your sleep

I hope you take my comments in good faith in that I believe you have strong writing skills already and with a bit of editing, I'm sure you stand a good chance of being published.

I don't have any plans to get published myself, but I know a couple of poets who have been published nationally in the UK and internationally, and, having benefitted from feedback from them (ie. they ripped my stuff to shreds!) I know just how difficult it is. I would also advise trying to get to know lots of different magazines and read them before you send stuff off - will your writing appeal to their readers in the first place?

Keep going - and good luck.