The Guitar Player

[Pendragon]

The Guitar Player

Slowly he strummed his guitar,
The notes fell like raindrops in spring—
As he sang of love and the joy of just living
Of flowers and pets and old flames…

Slowly he strummed his guitar,
The notes were the warm summer breeze
He sang of passion and glory, and told the old stories,
Embellishing them all as he sang…

Slowly he strummed his guitar.
The notes fell like the cold rains in fall—
He sang of promises broken and words best left unspoken,
Of heartbreak and gloom and despair…

Slowly he strummed his guitar,
The notes broke like winter ice—
He sang of death and destruction, of suicide and pain,
Depression had taken its toll…

Now he sits in the institution, locked away from it all:
Slowly he strums his guitar…

Pendragon
© 11/31/08


(from a long ago poetry contest...)

[Bar22do]

This is so sad! joy of life progressively condensing into disillusion and psychiatric ward! how terrible. Well some lives just go so wrong. Your poem inevitably reminded me of Brassens. I think it could do with some polishing, some ends of the lines look to me as if you forced the rhyme, but I may be wrong. Thank you for sharing. And - read the translation of Brassens song "toi, l'Auvergnat".. it is a beautiful song of friendship.

[Pendragon]

Any rhymes are totally accidental. It's more of a song and a personal story... unfortunately

[blank|verse]

It's a nicely crafted poem, and the tone is well sustained throughout; sorry to hear that it's based on a personal story.

There is enough objectivity to make it effectively moving without sliding into being too emotional, which is nicely handled. Tracking his ever changing moods to the seasons is a nice touch, but perhaps a bit too inevitable.

I agree with Bar that maybe a bit of 'polishing' would help - I also noticed the enveloped rhymes (lines 2 and 3) in the first two stanzas - and enjoyed that - but it does set up the expectation this pattern will be repeated. Even if they were unintentional, the reader isn't to know that.

I thought the repetition of the first line was quite effective, but perhaps could have changed throughout the poem.

For me, the ending was a bit too realistic after all the metaphorical descriptions. Endings are always difficult particularly if the poem describes an issue that has affected you directly, but I think the personal creeps into the poem too much here.

(And just watch the typo in the third stanza: Of he sung of promises...'.)

But overall, it's well written and I think is all the better for being based on form, rather than just written as free verse.

[ampoule]

I liked this, Pen. The guitar can be such a friend. I'm reminded of John Denver's....This old guitar taught me to sing a love song....which is much 'happier' than your subject...but no matter what, it purges feelings deep within us.

[Pendragon]

(And just watch the typo in the third stanza: Of he sung of promises...'.)

But overall, it's well written and I think is all the better for being based on form, rather than just written as free verse.

Whoops! Thank you, I corrected that. My mind works faster than my fingers most of the time...:iamwithstupid:

[Virgil]

Except for the last two lines, I think this would make a great song! I could almost hear the guitar playing and Pen singing. :D Very nice Pen. I will say I'm not crazy about those last two lines, and frankly I think they are unnecessary. I think the song/poem would end just fine without any concluding couplet.

I hope you're feeling better my friend.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I do agree with those who believe it would be better without those last two lines. They don't do service to the freedom, the respect for form of all the very good stuff that came before it.

[MorpheusSandman]

I pretty much agree with blank verse's post though I guess you changed some of the things he was criticizing. I really like this overall.